Hello members... This is the first time I am posting to this forum. I have been looking for a place like this though, and am very glad to have found it.<P>Ok Here goes...Married 3 years, together 5... My H, 23, is military and goes away alot leaving me, 21, at home to take care of our 2 year old, work, and ect... I am ok with his trips, but I do tend to get jelous and angry because he cant be here with me.<P>In April on a trip to NY, he met a female who was also military. They hung out alot, and he told me he made a new friend. I see nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, but I was a little jealous. When he returned home to me... the phone calls started. They had exchanged numbers and were talking on the phone way too often. I confronted him that I didnt want them talking anymore because I didnt feel comfortable with it. He got angry and told me I was choosing his friends.<P>To make this short... they "stopped" talking on the phone, and started emailing and using Instant Messanger Service. Problem was.. It was a military email account that was secured, so I could not see what the emails said. One night, I made him show me her emails.. They said things like she misses him, the sound of his voice, she couldnt wait to see him on their next trip in California, she got him a gift, and that I (his wife) was in the way and she wished that I would let them talk.<P>Ok.. Trip to Cali... I told him that I didnt want him even talking to her after the email deal. He agreed. He told me that he was going out to the bars to play pool with his friends everynight, and that her H was even there with her, so she was no where around my H. I felt good about the situation.. No worries.<P>BUT... there's always a BUT! After 1 week of him returning from his month long trip... I got a letter from an anonomous person.. It informed me that my H cheated while away in California. It told me with who (I already knew in my heart) and it told me some very heart-wrenching things.<P>I confronted him with the letter. At first he was angry that someone would play such a mean joke to me!! Then after about 10 minutes... He confessed to me that he had "messed around" on me. He said that he didnt have sex, just oral.<BR>That was enough for me to want to leave though. I was crushed. I told him to stay away from her, and he didnt do it.<P>Turns out that they were always in her hotel room and watching movies the whole time he was out there. They did oral on wach other a few times, sometimes drunk... Took a shower together, massages with lotion ... many details that I asked for, and he answered. The truth finally came out that he had penatrated her, but stopped it immediatly. I guess he felt bad.<P>To end this post... I am just crushed that he could do something like this and then try to lie to me to make it easier. I want to know all of it, not just half. <BR>He swears that I now know all the details. i am just so scared that there is more. <P>I have spoken to the OW's H. We have talked a few times on the telephone. He knows just about everything that I know.<P>It is just very sad, and now I am starting to become angy.<BR>I think that I am doing very well with the situation though. I am still here with him, and I am trying to stay strong and work this out. It is very hard though...<P>Any advice, questions, input, thoughts... Anything will help me..<P>Thank you to all who relpy.<BR>~Heather<P><BR>

Hello Staystrong: I am sorry that this had to happen to you, and I am praying for you. It appears that this happens quite often in relationships, but just why to us?<P>My situation is similiar in the since I have been married for three years, but I don't have any kids and my H is not in the military. I just found out he had an affair about a month ago because I was not meeting his sexual needs. Have you read the MB Basci Concepts? They were very helpful for it helped me to see that not only was his needs not being met, but mine was not being met either, and we both shut down. And in a real since this could have been you if the opportunity had presented itself.<P>What now? Well, I am still dealing with my angry, resentment, some days good and some days bad, and I probably can go on and on, but from what I am told these are normal reactions. Everyone tells me that you CAN survive after an affair, but I don't know if I want to (which is a normal reaction).<P>My word of encouragement to you is "take one day at a time", and you will see what you need to. I am told that Time does heal all wounds. After a month, I am thinking a little clearer, not much, but a little.<P>My prayers are with you.<P><BR>

Staystrong,<BR> You are at the right place. You will find answers here if you look. I suggest looking under infidelity, how affairs start and how they should end, print it for both of you to read. Look at no contact letter.Buy Torn Assunder By D.Carder. Print out emotional needs questionnaire for both of you to take. Work on plan A (hard) and expect him to go through withdrawel when no contact starts. When you feel strong enough post in recovery and look for some hopeful stories to give you hope.<BR>Good Luck<BR> Oh ya Everyone asks "why Me" but think of it as he didnt do this TO you he did it without thinking of you for selfish reasons,He did not do it with the thought in his head it would hurt you, he thought you would never know. Remember it would have been easy for him to make up some weird story and continue to lie but he came clean, give him credit for that. <BR> Oh ya, only get the details you HAVE to have the more general the better off you will be when the images flood your head. <p>[This message has been edited by sadprincess (edited August 25, 2001).]