Does anyone else have a hard time calling what the H/W did an afair? I, for some reason, call it cheating. To me, an afair is when they have emotional feelings involved. Cheating is just sex.. <P>Does any of this make sense? I hope so. <P>My other question is *** Does anyone else feel like they are being a weak person by letting the H/W stay? ***<P>I mean.. all our lives we know that it is wrong to cheat. I have always told myself that if my H ever did this that he would be gone. But now... He is still here, and so am I.<P>Thanks for the replies....<P>~Heather

I agree. I think Sex (Cheating) is one thing, and one may be able to separate themselves from emotions, but emotions go much deeper. Sex is really in the mind. Reminds me of what Jesus said. If you think about lying with someone else, you have already done it. Of course it can get much worse and go to the next demension and get physical, but none the less, he did say that.

I do feel weak for letting him stay, but I think this is my pride getting in the way of recovery. you have nothing to be ashamed of. In my case it would have been a lot easier to call it quits than to work on it, take pride in your strength.

Very good point!! Thank you for making me smile!

Oh my gosh, StayStrong! I feel the same way. Tomorrow will only be 2 wks that I found out my H had a 1-night stand. I too find it hard to call it "affair." Except this 1-night stand resulted in conceiving a child. My H is begging for forgiveness and my immediately reaction was "get out!" Now I'm trying to accept this and try to forgive, and I feel weak. I too thought that he'd be gone if he ever did this to me. I agree with "sad princess" that it is our pride trying to get in the way of our recovery. <P>------------------<BR>marigo93<BR>BS-trying to forgive<BR>DDAY 8/12/01<BR>OW pregnant<BR>Do not want contact w/ OC

Heather,<P>Yes, I too, feel very weak for allowing him to stay. He started to leave one night and I lost it. It's just so hard to think he would leave that easily, but I know if it happens again, I have to let him go. We worked so hard to get the home we wanted, and we've only been here a few years, and now he's willing to throw it all away.... He told me he has nowhere else to go and that I could leave. That won't happen!! My H won't even tell me what is going on at this point! He's confessed to nothing; just keeps saying he's never been unfaithful.... All of my instincts and the clues suggest otherwise. <P>All of us need to stick together an help each other through this.

I'm now 2 months past D-day--not much time has passed but enough that I can look back now and be glad I was weak. When I found out about the affair (also just a physical thing, but lasted 6 months) I was devasted and had many panicky moments, including "how can I support myself and the children?" and "I can't stand it if he leaves," etc. He offered to leave if I wanted but said he really wanted to stay. Anyway, feeling very weak, I told him to stay. He was, in fact, back in my bed within the week. This from the woman who always told him that if he ever strayed I wouldn't just send him packing, I would SHOOT him. He believed it, too.<P>Well, I regretted my weakness during the first few weeks and reconsidered, time and again, telling him to scram. Finally, now, I have realized that if I had asked him to go at first, my anger and pride would have had ample opportunities to increase during his absence. I'm not sure I would've been able to allow him to come home again, ever. As it was, his presence forced us to talk, talk, talk, sometimes for 6 to 8 hours a day, which I think saved our marriage.<P>I'm not weak now, and would definately give him the boot if this happens again, but I'm glad my temporary weakness gave me the opportunity to give him another chance.

Anyone else scared that if it happens again that you will keep H/W? I mean we all said that if it happened to us, we'd give them the boot.. but we didnt.<P>How do we know what we will do if it happens again..<P>Also... I can relate to that last message so much. I feel the same way. It does force you to talk...<P>Thank you for the reply..<P>~Heather

I always said he would be gone,I think that I couldnt concieve him doing that and at the same time really loving me. I now know it was not something done TO me. He did it for selfish reasons. I told him that everyone makes mistakes, I will try to get over it , but if its a character flaw I cant live with that. I think I wouldnt stay again because I wouldnt want to work this hard again. I also think his eyes are open now where before they had on rosie glasses,he feels like he let himself down too.<BR>Who knows though....<BR> It would have been easier for me to leave, especially in the beginning, so I think the 2nd time it would be even easier. I know I have done evrything I can to save this marriage, I would have little guilt leaving.

Dear Staystrong<P>In all my general conversations i have had in the past with friends and H about affairs, i have always thought and said that i would never forgive and leave if my H ever cheated on me. But yet here i am still here, still struggling after 4mnths since D-Day to forgive. From his A i feel i have become a very weak person within and on my worst days i feel weak for staying or allowing him to stay. I also often wonder if the tables were turned would he love me enough to stay or leave? <P>But then again if this was to ever happen again i really dont believe that i would have the energy to even consider staying and feel the extent of hurt and betrayal that i am feeling at this time of recovery. Most times i feel so emotionally drained from it all.<P>TOS<p>[This message has been edited by tears of sorrow (edited August 27, 2001).]