I blew it I let her get to me she came home and I wanted to hug her and she said she could bearly let me in her space. I started talking and got so depressed( I no I am closre to the edge) we talked actually I talk she will not say anything I told her I believed Dr. H could help more than anything in the world she said she was holding on by a thread. By the time I got done feeling sorry for myself sge was back to wanting a divorce. I love her way to much I am weak what do I do. I hurt so bad I can hardly stand the pain. I can not eat or sleep or live I just hurt I want the pain to go away. I made lots of mistakes I talked about leaving I talked about tring to keep our little girl. I talked about dying. I just cried and made her mad. How do I do this. I asked her to quit her job so she will not see the other man. Iknow we can live.Her last afffair I got her to quit her job and she hated me. She told me she just stopped tring to see him this winter its been since 1993 we even had a child and she could not love me enough to quit. She is a smart women but nothing seems to work. She crys because she has hurtme she crys because of our daughter.But she just tells me she does not know. She says she has been in limbo for all these years and can barely stand to have me touch her( wow that hurt) being lied to hurt here she is starting with another guy and she said she started it to get her off the edge. I hurt I want to die. I just spent the last hour begging her not to leave and just stay with me I donot car why feeling sorry fo me is better that her leaving. She says she loves me more than anyone else in the world.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by allicat (edited August 29, 2001).]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by allicat:<BR>[B]I blew it <P>allicat,<P>Shes blowing it, not you. You need to get a grip and get it soon.<P>Go to your family Dr and explain what is going on. He can give you medication to help with the emotions you are feeling. There are many wonderful new drugs that can help even out the lows for you.<P>Gosh, I wish I could offer you more hope but if I were you I would seek out the advice of an attorney ASAP. Your wife is abandoning you and your child. Get this info to a lawyer so that child custody will be easier for you in the future.<P>If things are able to be worked out...fine, but if it comes to divorce, you should have custody. You need to start thinking of whats best for your child. Being raised by this selfish woman would not be best in my opinion.<P>Take good care of yourself.<P>Randy

Thanks Randy:<BR>I am doing better today and it hurts to here my wife called selfish even though I know you are right. I believe in love. My question for today are How do you survive without your needs being met until she comes around. How do you be yourself when you feel so much pain. My wife told me she did not want a divorce she knows that this guy is a fling but she wants to be able to see him until she can say that she loves me and this will not happen again.I think it can be worked out I am not religious but I am praying anyhow. Please someone give me advise on how to win her back<BR>

Allicat,<P>I too, had a terrible day yesterday...We had our second counseling session, and I told the counselor and my husband that I do not trust him. She asked me what I wanted from being there, and I told her "to figure out a way to trust again so that I don't have to throw my marriage away". She told us that marriages can survive affairs, but it's difficult to survive destruction of trust. So encouraging. <P>In response to your post, I too, begged my husband not to leave. I told him to leave that night, and when he started to pack, I just couldn't take it. He won't admit he was having an A now almost 2 months later, but all signs point to it. Now sometimes, I really wish I hadn't stopped him. <BR>In the beginning, I had the same thoughts you are having and even wrote letters and planned it, but couldn't do that to my parents. I understand the feeling of wanting the pain to just stop.<P>Having been through this once before we were married after we dated for 6 years, I remember you have to deal with the pain. You have much more of a reason to work through it...your child. <P>Please see an attorney, and try to pull yourself together. You've done what you can for your marriage, now focus on you and your child. <P>One thing I also learned the first time around. Once I started making a life for myself and not worrying about what he was doing and who with, but what I was doing, he turned around. For some reason, if you keep going toward that person, they move away, but if we move in the opposite direction, they come toward us. Let her worry about what you're doing and why her actions aren't upsetting you any longer (at least let that be the side she sees). Last week, for first time since all of this started, about 2 months, I left the house for a dr.'s appt. and decided to stop several other places. I came home almost 3 hours after I left, and my H was actually annoyed. It really does work. <P>Believe me, I know how difficult this is. We need to be strong together. I ask God to give me strength and answers everyday. <P>

Harley has a great workbook called 5 Steps to Romantic Love which you might want to take a look at. IF your wife is willing to fill out the questionnaires with you from this site, that is also a good start--at least for you to see what her needs are. She seems to be in a withdrawal state where your needs don't matter, but I could be wrong.<P>In any case, ya gotta stop crying because that appears to be a "love buster." Frankly, if my husband cried and let out some raw emotions like that, he would totally have me wrapped around his finger! I would do anything I could to stop his pain. With your wife tho, it's different. She might see you as weak or something?<P>I think it is a good suggestion to see your doctor about your depression. You have a LOT of assets and business decisions to make and you want to be in a solid frame of mind.<P>You're going to make it through this. Don't give up! Don't let your dignity walk out of the door, either. Pick yourself up, carry on! You can do it! We're here to listen to you. Your feelings matter to us!

Thanks guys for your help I am doing much better today these mood swings could get to you. I have had lunch with her two days now and she is getting flowers and cards and poems from me each day. I have told her that the most important thing to me is that my daughter life is not disrupted by this. She says she still loves me but is excited to have sex with this guy they have not consmated the relationship yet. She told me because she felt I had the right to know. He was not happy and is scared. he is living with a women and thinking of marrying her. Hold on because this will come as a surprise but I told her we could have a threesome. The guy I guess said know and said she was not taking this serious enough. I told her I was not really that scarey 6'2 190 # and in good shape for a 42 year old man.But her boyfriend said no. I am tring to date her we are having a good time and I think I may be winning alittle at a time. It is vary hard to hold on to smoke though. It is vary hard to competer with a fantasy. I believe Dr. Harley advice could save us but there is know way for me to make her mind up for her. We have lots of problems not just her I have some hang ups to and have not been at all innocent in this case. I am tring to prove that we can work this out because my daughter is not going to me left at day care 12 ours a day. I dont care if I have to hire studs for her. She said one reason she wanted a affair was for no commitment sex. God what else could a man ask her for I have tring for years. At this point in our marriage she says she has a sexual aversion to me. She has held her feelings in for to long. She know I am not weak and I hope she know I really do love her.<BR>