It's been over five months since I've been here or any other board. It seems strange to come back because there are only a few names I recognize...HG, of course, Glenn, Dot's H, Against the Wind, Wexwill ....maybe a few others. I see many more names...many more posts from people having to endure so much pain. It makes me even sadder. I wish that I could stop all this pain being inflicted by the very people that supposedly love(d) us.<P>Anyway, I have found myself back at the computer and most of you do not even know me or my story. I've been married for 23, almost 24 now, years. (2 kids, both teenagers) 18 had been pretty good, but then we experienced all kinds of family, financial and career crises before it crashed. I had gotten to the point where I had both the opportunity and desire to have an affair, but COULDN'T do it (kind of blows Dr. Harley's theory...doesn't it?). Decided to go to H to talk to convince him that we needed counseling and then realized he was doing exactly what I couldn't! Like an idiot, I decided that he would "come to his senses" and I played a waiting game. In trying to protect my children from their father's behavior, I ended up hurting them (because I was like a ping-pong ball....a normal person one moment and off the wall the next) and myself. He never came to his senses on his own...the OW's H called me (on the Ides of March!) and I felt a major weight lifted off my shoulders. I didn't want to work on our marriage at first (he only wanted to for the children's sake) but then we decided to try. Unfortunately, his withdrwal period about did me in...and I mean that literally...I was really sick and was not getting the right help. <P>So now it's been almost 18 months since we began to work on our marriage, but over two years since I knew of the affair. Sometimes I feel that we can make it, but there are still so many times that I look at him and know that I will never feel the way I used to. The sense of loss is still so great for me. I forgave him the initial transgression even before I realized it...probably because I know how close I was to doing the same. I can't seem to forgive other things, though...the ongoing deceit and intentional hurting of good and innocent people. My counselor says that because of how everything transpired, I was traumatized on top of being in a crisis state for a very long time. What this means is that everything is imprinted differently and to a greater extent. Because I feel like a BAD person for not being able to forgive completely, she also says that I need to put that aside to concentrate on healing. I am supppose to come to terms by finding peace. She says this is possible without giving complete forgiveness...but I have to be able to be at peace living with and loving a man that I know was capable of doing the things that he did. I am finding this very, very difficult. It is not to say that he isn't and hasn't been working on changing. He has. We have been in both individual and couples counseling.<P>Now....why have I returned tonight? I have just found out that I need to go in for surgery and am really frightened by my reaction. In the past, I would have taken comfort in knowing that my H would be there for me. Years ago, he would have helped me get through this. I would have felt total comfort (yes, and peace!) in his arms. Now I am feeling afraid that he will abandon me emotionally as he had twice in the past when I was ill. I had always been a strong woman...I was confident in my abilities and in my attractiveness to my H and to other men. I had friends to confide in...now I have only one because I have hidden the truth from everyone else. (I did tell one other close friend, but her reaction was so detrimental that we haven't maintained much of a friendship). I feel old and used up...a weak and fearful person...one that I don't even know. Additionally, because the affair was partially a satisfaction of a fantasy he always had (to be with a "beautiful" and younger...woman), I don't even want him to SEE ME sick!<P>I'm a mess. All my insecurities are resurfacing with a vengeance. I'm afraid that all of this will affect the outcome of my surgery. If anyone has any words of wisdom, I'd appreciate it. If not, well thanks for letting me vent. It has helped...maybe I can sleep now. <P>Ginny

Ginny,<BR>I am so sorry you are facing yet another crisis in your life. I'll pray for your good health to return........And I wish I had the words of wisdom to help you cope with the feelings that resurface, in times such as these.<BR>((((((((GINNY)))))))))

Ginny, I remember seeing your posts when I first joined the forum. I'm sorry you have experienced recent illness and have to have surgery. I hope all turns out well for you and that your husband will come through. Your story sounds so familiar to mine. The statement you made that you feel old and used up is how I feel a great deal of the time. I think continual stress takes its toll on us physically and mentally. Try to get some rest and relaxation if possible prior to your surgery so that your recovery period will go well. Hugs and prayers --Janie

Ginny:<P>If you're working on your marriage using the MarriageBuilder's principles (the Four Rules for Successful Marriages), then it seems to me that this surgery is a perfect opportunity to start working on the Rule of Complete Honesty.<P>You need to tell your husband everything that you're feeling. You need to be clear about what you want and need from him. He should be able to acknowledge these needs, and then the two of you should sit down to discuss and plan around this. <P>This is a perfect opportunity for the two of you to grow together. <P>If you're still doing marriage counseling, it appears to me that you have a great deal of work to do in the communication/honesty department. Your fears here are apparently things you haven't told your husband---he needs to know. He can react to these fears responsibly and lovingly---which will help you recover your feelings for him. He could react negatively---which might confirm your fears and doubts about the marriage. But right now, you're living in fear of the unknown (his responses), and that's the worse of the three scenarios.<P>God bless. It's good to see you again, and I'll pray for a speedy recovery---for both your surgery and your marriage.<p>[This message has been edited by K (edited August 24, 1999).]

Hello ginny, I am sorry that you have another obstacle to overcome. Will pray for great outcome from your surgery.<BR>You have come so very far in recovery. Maybe this is an opportunity for you to share some of your deeper emotions with your h?