The last 3 months have been a rollercoaster. My partner and I seperated as he kissed another girl on a business trip and felt that he needed to be a bachelor. I got on with my life and met some-one and had a brief fling. This drove my partner crazy and begged me to come back. After much thought I did. It was great i really thought that this had made our relationship so much stronger ( we had been together for 5 years). We planned to get married in December. He has just returned from another trip whereby one night he drank 10 beers and half a bottle of wine which made him very drunk and as he quoted 'incoherent'. He ended up in the same bed as a friend we both know and before he knew it he was taking part in sexual acts but suddenly came to his sences and stopped before reaching any climaxes. He came home and 2 days later told me what he had done and how regretful he was, how he cant remember most of what happened and that he loves so much and that had never changed and he desperately wants to do whatever to be forgiven and given another chance. Right now I feel so sick! Especially what we had just gone through but I have to give him the credit of been honest. Do people make such mistakes and are we suppose to forgive and reconsile. This is a man that I had fallen so deeply in love with all over again and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and start a family. but my natural worry is will this happen again? Is he predisposed to derail? Am I to blame it on alcohol? Any thoughts on this matter would be greatly appreciated. We have a meeting with our parish priest tomorow to get some guidance on such a matter. What would God want us to do in this regard?

Hmmmm... These are warning signals and your fiance's track record ain't looking so great!<P>I think you should pay attention to the warnings. If you have doubts then please don't marry this person. It doesn't sound like a good foundation is being laid. It's easier to get out of an engagement rather than a marriage especially after children enter the picture.<P>If this is his way of showing his love for you, his love doesn't look so great... I'm sorry you're going through all this! Consider yourself hugged!<P>p.s.And I'm not so sure that *I* believe he didn't climax, after all, he was supposedly "incoherent," right???? Next thing you know, you'll be married and one of his OW will show up knocking at your door with their baby in tow requesting child support!<P>I could be totally wrong and I hope that I am, but please make sure you have total peace (no doubts, nor questions) in your heart about marrying this person.<p>[This message has been edited by BINthereDUNthat (edited August 31, 2001).]

Your fiancee must start AA meetings...<P>You both should start on a serious marriage preparation program ( even if you're not Catholic... check into Pre-Cana).<P>Build your marital skills together...<BR>...(that doesn't mean live together)...<BR>...and... after periodic reveiw of where you are BOTH at...<BR>...make the decision if you really should marry this man.<P>Right now...<BR>...postpone the marriage...<BR>...if he really loves you... you both can wait!!!<P>Marrying out of sympathy... is neither beneficial to him or you!<BR>Before the covenant is made...<BR>...make sure you both understand mutual self-giving!<BR>Can you "take" a future of alcoholism?...<BR>Can you "take" a future of infidelity?...<BR>Can you "take" a life... of someone not so mature?...<P>You are not married yet...<BR>...there are many men... mature men...<BR>...who are not alcoholics<BR>...who dispise infidelity<BR>...who will want to take the "headship" of the family<BR>...who will "give"... in mutual self-giving.<P>One thing your mother must have said to you...<BR>...if you raise your standards... your (future) husband will strive to reach them.<BR>...if you lower your standards... they race to go lower!<P>Build a good marriage...<BR>...before you marry!<BR>If the sense is that this man can't do it...<BR>...be patient... pray... and you will be blessed!<P> <P>Jim

The advice you are getting here is right on.<P>Consider the future in light of the past. Good idea to see your priest. Perhaps see a Counselor as a couple and individually. As a former minister with 18 years experience, I agree about the warning signals--I liked the statement there are wonderful men out there without addictions and high morals, there are men who are just waiting to love a woman to the best of their ability.<P>I'm really glad you are asking What would God have me do?<BR>He will show you the path. It will be one of Light, Truth and Hope. It may be a rocky road at times but it smooths out and He is with you every step of the way with blessings for your obedience. <P>Please seek Him regarding why both of you strayed before marriage and really consider and research about alcoholicism. Even when a person is in recovery, they can be a "dry drunk" with difficult behaviours that plague relationships. Those troubles can be overcome but is this the life God and you want for you?<P>I wish you blessings with hearing from Him and your priest. Please don't feel we are judging you--just responding from experience and genuine concern for you.<P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

Gosh! Thank You all for your replies.My faith in humanity has been restored, knowing that there are people out there who care so much. We had our meeting with our priest yesterday and he gave us so much food for thought. The first thing he did say was how weak we all are and it is all about been aware of our weakness. We are both going farward with pre maritial councilling that the church provides. I am obviously still hurting and in complete disbelief that this has all happened but I do know that the man I have is generally a good man. Yes he has made a big mistake but as Gods children he wants us to put the Lords Prayer in practice and that means forgive. I dont want to be seen as naive but life is also filled with risk taking. Our priest said how important it is to risk and how with faith in God his providence will work for us. Sometimes I think we are tested and it is up to us to acknowledge the weaknesses and act upon them by taking the right action. My partner decided upon his own will to give up this drinking and so have I - not that I was a heavy drinker we both tended to be 'binge drinkers'. We dont drink at home only on those rare ocassions, which is probably worse. Time heals and that is what I will be doing taking my time to forgive and to learn how to love again. Our priest is been very supportive and my partner is willing to do anything to make this relationship work - We have always felt that we are soul mates and in todays world it is very difficult to find such a soul mate. I am going away tomorrow on a training course which lasts 6 weeks ( be back on weekends) and this time will probably be very good for both of us. Our pre maritial councilling will take place on saturdays.<P>once again thank you so much for your support! I hope I am doing the right thing by giving this relationship another chance but I have been praying to God to guide me through this period and to show me the way. <P>God Bless<BR>Springbok

Now that you are leaving for a while...<P>Both of you should practice "the rule of time"...<BR>...make sure to talk to each other every day or other day...<P>...make the "surprise calls"... not just regular ones...<P>...if he (or you) feel the weakness of falling into a drink...<BR>...call each other!<P>Please take Pre-Cana seriously!<BR>(Neither my wife nor I did... and it is one of my major regrets!... we thought we were too old 27 and 29 years old... to <B><I>need</I></B> it!... <B>WE WERE WRONG</B>!!!)<P>Check out... read... and discuss with your fiancee...<BR><A HREF="http://www.ewtn.com/library/THEOLOGY/AUTHWOM.HTM" TARGET=_blank>THE AUTHORITY OF WOMEN</A>... and...<BR><A HREF="http://www.christendom-awake.org/pages/mshivana/communit.html" TARGET=_blank>the rights, dignity and role of men and women</A>... and... (very important_...<BR><A HREF="http://www.ewtn.com/library/Theology/WOJTLAHV.HTM" TARGET=_blank>THE TRUTH OF THE ENCYCLICAL "HUMANAE VITAE"</A>.<P>Use these as springboards to discussion of a REAL future together.<P>Going into a marriage (solely based on human "passion"... the "on love feeling"... "he's my soulmate"...) isn't going to cut it!<P>Going into a marriage... putting Jesus ahead of you...<BR>...(even ahead of your future spouse)... is the only way to know and learn and love His will!<P>Many prayers to you.<P> <P>Jim

Springbok, I'm so happy your session with the priest was helpful. I think your training course is perfect timing.<P>And WAY TO GO on the no drinking issue! VERY wise...in my previous work, I saw people who endured unbearable grief knowing that during a time of drunkeness, they made a horrible mistake. H and I worked with a young boy-I doubt he was 18--the very first time he binged he ran over a child who died. Better not to take the risk at all.<P>AA is a terrific group..very open caring people..just be careful with boundaries so that you don't get sucked into others issues too deeply. The Serenity Prayer and 12 Steps are great...I have never been an alcholic but benefited greatly from living by the 12 Steps..so much material is available.<P>Good choices! Good for you! May good follow you and great joy and contentment rest on you as God blesses your choosing His path for your future.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Alcohol can not be blamed or rationalized into this equation. What direction did your parish give you? It sounds like God gave you a message, that although very painful is equally telling. Counseling is a must, but the deep seated issues that placed your partner in a situation that was entirely of his choosing should guide you in making your final decision. Stay strong, and be at peace. Originally posted by Springbok:<BR><B>The last 3 months have been a rollercoaster. My partner and I seperated as he kissed another girl on a business trip and felt that he needed to be a bachelor. I got on with my life and met some-one and had a brief fling. This drove my partner crazy and begged me to come back. After much thought I did. It was great i really thought that this had made our relationship so much stronger ( we had been together for 5 years). We planned to get married in December. He has just returned from another trip whereby one night he drank 10 beers and half a bottle of wine which made him very drunk and as he quoted 'incoherent'. He ended up in the same bed as a friend we both know and before he knew it he was taking part in sexual acts but suddenly came to his sences and stopped before reaching any climaxes. He came home and 2 days later told me what he had done and how regretful he was, how he cant remember most of what happened and that he loves so much and that had never changed and he desperately wants to do whatever to be forgiven and given another chance. Right now I feel so sick! Especially what we had just gone through but I have to give him the credit of been honest. Do people make such mistakes and are we suppose to forgive and reconsile. This is a man that I had fallen so deeply in love with all over again and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and start a family. but my natural worry is will this happen again? Is he predisposed to derail? Am I to blame it on alcohol? Any thoughts on this matter would be greatly appreciated. We have a meeting with our parish priest tomorow to get some guidance on such a matter. What would God want us to do in this regard?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>He has just returned from another trip whereby one night he drank 10 beers and half a bottle of wine which made him very drunk and as he quoted 'incoherent'. He ended up in the same bed as a friend we both know and before he knew it he was taking part in sexual acts but suddenly came to his sences and stopped before reaching any climaxes.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P>After 10 beers and half a bottle of wine, it's quite possible that he did stop before reaching any climax; however, the "suddenly came to his sences (sic)" part doesn't ring true. Very often, when a man is very, very drunk, he <B>can't</B> climax, or he may even "lose it", if you get my drift.<P>On the good side, he did confess to you a couple of days after he got home and expresses remorse.<P>Don't marry this man until you've had time to really work on the relationship and build trust.<BR>LC