I revealed my affair to my h in May. we have been married 18 years, 3 children, we were HS sweethearts. i have read the book His needs Her needs and am committed to making my marriage work. the affair is long over, it happened in 9/99 to 1/00 and we have since moved away. there has been no contact. long story. problem is this is the very core of my husbands vows. he is so hurt/angry. i went back to the states for 2 months this summer to visit family and attend a wedding and he joined us for 2 weeks, one week of rafting. we make love/sex almost daily. he says he doesn't love me, i broke the marriage, wants me to leave, but still is with me. i refuse to end this. what next?

Welcome <B>Portland</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Plan A... Plan A... and a little more Plan A.<P>Counseling may be a good option as well...<P>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$120US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)! Also check out the post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008844.html" TARGET=_blank>looking for a counselor</A>…..zorweb/K…..5/11/2001<P>You have my prayers...<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

after reading your reply, i downloaded all the basic concept to perhaps leave on his shelf to read, maybe? he had gone to a church meeting with me back in '93 and really understood the "lovebank". we never get beyond that. he's a good guy and has lots that i love, the problem i have is that my H, the BS, just doesn't like to talk about it. when he does, he gets angry, and uses all the "lovebusters". he hates the idea of counseling. i am getting some from the pastors wife, a licensed counselor, she is wonderful. how do i get through to H, or do i just go along daily, forgetting the past, not fixing the future, raising kids, as roommates. it is more painful for me to know he could care less. how much time does he need? how do i, except through prayer, get to him and help us to have a "great" marriage. when his heart isn't into it? he's just going through the motions. is that an indication that he must want something to work? he tells me i'm like a maid. and he can screw the maid... WOW. its hard for me to be quiet. its what got me into this mess to begin with. him not talking about life with me and someone else filling that gap. then i realize how much i miss the affection that H provides, the handholding is gone, the kisses, the "iloveyous" and now i feel at a great loss. it just seems very empty right now, with not much hope of him turning. how long do i wait?

I'm sad because no one has replied in a few days. it seems like i'm the only one who wants to work on this "marraige" and my husband is just going along for the ride. today he actually vented about his work woes, which makes me feel like his best friend again. this is soooooo hard. do i give him the copies of basic concepts with a note to read? do i just hang in there and hope he'll come out of withdrawal. do i assume he wants to work on the marraige if he's talking, having sex and otherwise being kind to me??? please.....someone talk to me.

I guess my question is did you discuss fully why you had the three month affair with your husband why it happened and what were the causes? Does your husband believe that it could happen again? The problem that you need to overcome is the fact that your husband realized that you were able to look into his eyes and lie to him and be with another man during this period. I am sure he is asking himself how can he really believe you since you were able to fool him so easily in the past. Maybe your husband believes your affair ended only because you simply moved away. Your problem is to really convince him that you are a trustworthy and honest person again.<BR>I am curious but did you think about how this would affect him when you decided on having the affair? Why were you willing to put your marriage at such risk? I hope that both of you are in counseling. Here is a thought: What would you want your husband to do to make you feel secure if the roles were reversed and he had a three month affair on you? I wish you luck.

I was the BS. My H had an affair with my former best friend. They both lied and said that nothing happened. Just 2 months ago I found out that they had sex at her house, in her car, made out at the office and WERE IN MY BED which destroys me. I have had every feeling you can imagine-hurt, shock, rage, depression, etc. <P>I am going to counseling (so is he) and taking antidepressants just to get thru the days and sleep at night. Because I loved them both so much, it has scarred me deeply. <P>I also can't believe he broke his vows, with MY BEST FRIEND (former!) He is sooooo strictly religious. He believes as a Catholic that if you use birth control, you go to Hell. But it's ok to sleep with your wife's friend? I've given up trying to figure it out, because it will never make sense no matter how much I want it to.<P>I love him and I don't want a divorce. But like your Husband, I often feel like giving up. It's very hard to be the one having to do the double forgiveness while he sicks back and feels his job is over because he FINALLY confessed in counseling after years of lies.<P>I really hope that you and he will go to counseling. He needs to vent all of his hurt and fears if he hasn't. Read Torn Asunder and the article Shattered Vows at findarticles.com (by Psychology Today). They both do a great job of explaining why it's absolutely necessary for the BS to work thru all of the hurt and anger and fear, or they really don't heal. That happened in my case since I was lied to and it's so much worse going thru it later. Good luck.

my H does not want counseling. big problem. this is so difficult. thanks for your replies. i think he understands why i had the affair, he too slept with me & the wife, a 3some, its all very complicated. the neighbors have an "open" marriage, and basically i got sucked in. i always wanted to know another woman, and my H was willing to go that far, but he was not willing to share me with another man. the friendship with the neighbor man got too close for me and my H wasn't providing for my needs, telling me that i was the only thing that was "wrong" with his life. well, we have alot of healing to do. all i want to know is should i give him this packet of info i downloaded from MB?

Dear Portland,<P>I think you should give the packet to your husband. Ask him to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with him. Explain to him how sorry you are for what you did. Tell him the meaning of "repent" (to turn around) and that you have truly turned around and that you realize what a great man he is. Build him up. Tell him of his good qualities. <P>I am a the betrayed spouse and I needed to hear my wife tell me these things.<P>After you build him up as best you can, show him the packet and tell him just how bad you want to make this marraige better than it was before! Good luck and don't give up. I am just over a year in recovery and it just keeps getting better. <P>Stillhurts (but not that bad anymore)<BR>

It's probably too late now to say this....but in one of your earliest posts Portland, you said your H doesn't want to talk about it. Well that seems to me to mean, DON'T talk about it!<P>He doesn't want to know about the details, or receive the education, which Harley says is not a good idea for WS's, because they don't want to listen; if a BS doesn't want to listen either it could be a LB to give him the printouts.<P>Rest assured he will want details and the full story one day. You have to wait...you need to tell him that when he wants to know, to come to you and you will tell him. For now, leave him alone. Telling him might make you feel better, but if it isn't what he wants, it ain't going to help.

Nina, thanks for your note. I am struggling with not communicating because that is a key part of my character. I feel penalized now that he doesn't show affection during the day and completely ignores the problem, like this is my payment for wrong doing. i have lost his love. basically. yet he still makes love at night. hasn't said i love you during the day. i mentioned that he participated in a 3some with the wife of this couple. he thinks he didn't do wrong, since i gave him permission. but, in reality, its all wrong. i feel like i'm just living as his maid, housekeeper, business manager. we had a dinner for 8 other people who are in from out of town and H just acted normal. had my niece visit, who knows about this, she's 25 and learning from us. he acts normal, goes out to dinner with us, just doesn't touch me any more. this morning he blew me a kiss when i said i wanted a kiss. i don't know. its hard waiting and being quiet for me. i want information from him. i want to know that he wants the marraige to work. he said earlier we're not married in his eyes. its tough and some days i want to end it all, divide up the stuff and leave with the kids, but its a copout. i am working on me. i feel trapped without him wanting to work on our life together too. guess he just needs more time and i'm to wait patiently, make his meals, do his wash, clean the house, shop, entertain, while he works like the workaholic he is and pretend everything is ok. he never commented when i gave him the packet. i did that quietly with a note in his satchel. oh well. any more suggestions and how to live the day to day stuff. i'm happy inside. the meds help. we raise the kids together, pray at meals, and talk to each other about daily stuff, but not about the A. i want to take him out, away for a weekend and risk it all by lighting in to him and reminding him that this is his consequence too for not providing for the needs that he can in my life.... what to do now?????