Please help.....me and my husband have been seperated for almost 4 months now. We seperated becasue he got physically abusive one day, and I left and asked him to go to seek help, and once he did I would come back home with the kids. During our separation, I would continue to be fulfill his sexual needs. Well I found out yesterday that he has been having an affair with a young girl. But the part that I cant understand is that he brought her into our home....he had sex with her in our bed, on our couches, and in our car. I am totally lost for words and really dont know which way to turn. I am so hurt I feel like I want to die. I have never felt this way about anything. It feels like he took my heart out and ran over it with a lawnmower. I just feel numb. I didnt even sleep at all last night. I just need some advice from anyone. I found this all out becasue I spoke to the girl, and then I just started asking questions to my husband, regarding different issues, and he confessed. He doesnt know that I talked to her at all....but is it a good thing that he confessed????? I dont want to go back to that house we own together.....I dont want to ride in his car either. HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!

I wish I could help, but all I can do is totally relate. My H also had an affair, with my former best friend. It happened almost 6 years ago and destroyed our friendship, even though it was "only emotional" they claimed. We ended up being separated for 9 months anyway. We are back together now and I just found out 2 months ago that it was very physical, INCLUDING IN MY BED. I have never been so angry, hurt, depressed, etc. I haven't slept there since. I am currently changing my sewing room into a bedroom which is costing about $2500 with new furniture. My H told the counselor he didn't feel it is necessary to spend the money right now, she really "let him have it!"<P>I am very 'into' my house. All of my free time is spent decorating, reading about home stuff, doing crafts, etc. Well, now that I know this I don't even care to be here. He lied about it for all those years and I could puke thinking of sleeping in that bed after SHE was there. Can you imagine she was with him in my bed and then gave me a birthday gift right after? <P>The whole affair thing is bad enough to accept. Especially since I loved them both so much. She was only married 6 months at the time she cheated with my H, can you imagine? And I was her matron of honor.<P>I have spent so much time and money on fixing up our house (it's a great old house, about 100 years old, with hardwood floors, great woodwork, fireplace, 2 big porches, etc.) But now I could care less. I told him it was the worst violation he could EVER commit against me. <P>He promised both me and our counselor that he would be 100% honest and truthful from now on. He lied for 2 more weeks after that, saying in writing he was NOT WITH HER in our house. What a shock to find out differently. Now I don't know what I can even believe about anything.<P>He was with her in HER car and HER bed also, and OUR office. They had sex at a local park and walked on the beach at a state park. I won't go to either of them with him again, at least not for a very long time. I don't want flowers from him either, he bought them for her. <P>I realize it happened years ago and he's here now, but 6 years of lies and betrayal really destroy trust and respect. He exposed me to the threat of stds and never told me. That is very hard to forget. I told him if he would have been on the couch with her, I could have given it away. Our bedroom seems so much more 'sacred' somehow.<P>Please get into counseling, and read as much as you can. Torn Asunder is great, ask him to read it too. Also, there is an article called Shattered Vows on findarticles.com by Psychology Today which does a great job of explaining why we need to know the truth, sometimes in detail to heal.<P>I will pray for you. Hugs.

Nana,<BR> I am sorry you have a need to be here, but know that we know how sick and frightened you feel. We will help you grt through this.<BR> It seems you have two problems to deal with. The abuse and the affair.<BR> You need counseling so that you can get some clarity, if money is an issue a local church would probably help, I think it helps to be able to say the words outloud to a third party.<BR> Do you have children? A safe place to stay?<BR>He obviously needs counseling and if he agrees it would be hopeful. Does he drink?<BR> Im sorry to say it is not fair but you must be the strong one now.<BR>Good Luck

Nana-how are you doing? I've been wondering. I can so relate to how you feel. Except I haven't experienced abuse like that. <P>I was either watching t.v. or reading something and it said "You stepped on sacred ground." That is exactly how I feel about my H and friend being in my house, in my bed no less. It makes me physically sick. He sleeps like a baby in there every night, how weird!<P>I hope you will let us know how you are!

Well, I am doing okay everyone....and thanks to all of the support shown from u guys I will be ok. I think I am going to try to work it out, but I am giving him to December to change. <P>No he doesn't drink. Yes we have children. Between the 2 of us there are five . <P>Am I doing the right thing by going back???

Nana,<BR> Five children depend on you to make the right choice. Has he gone for help? Have you told him you know about A?<BR> I will continue to pray for you.

He hasn't gone for help at all. He claims he will when I go back home. He also told me about the Affair, after I spoke with the girl. I asked questions and he answered, the odd part is he told me about it without knowing that I spoke to the female. I still have yet to go back. I am praying about it but I dont think I have been sent God's answer. Or better yet I might not be receiving what he is telling me.<P>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Nana:<BR> Well I found out yesterday that he has been having an affair with a young girl. But the part that I cant understand is that he brought her into our home....he had sex with her in our bed, on our couches, and in our car. <P>Dear Nana,<P>First of all let me tell you how sorry I am that this happened to you. I know what a blow it is because I recently found out my husband had an affair (albeit not a long one) with a little s*** who pretended to be my friend and pursued him for nearly a year before and after. They had sex on my couch and my daugher's bed. When I found out I told him to get rid of the couch and bed and he didn't want to. So one night while he was at work I slashed the couch to smitherines and carried it and the bed out to the yard and set them on fire. The fire department came and I had to make an excuse for why that stuff was burning like the blazes of hell right out in the middle of my yard. I said I'd accidently set some junk furniture on fire with a cigarette butt. <whew><P>Well, I wouldn't advise being quite as flambouyant as I, but I *would* advise getting rid of whatever reminds you of her or the affair. My daughter did just fine on a barbie doll sleeping bag till her daddy bought her a new bed. <P>Nothing is worth the pain of looking at things that remind you of that horrible blow every day of your life. Get rid of it all, even the car. <P>Oh, and I also put the house up for sale and moved the whole family. It felt great to start anew in a place she will never see or know or be any part of whatsoever.<P>Good Luck,<P>Z

Nana, <BR> I am so worried about you. If he hasnt gone for help with you gone what makes you think he will if you go back? <BR> She probably called him right away and told him she talked to you.<BR> Have you gotten any counseling? You need a counselor with your best interest to talk to.<BR> A friend of mine at work was talking about her abusive H, she talked about how the abuse elevated and finally after near death several times she left. She said she was obsessed with him and couldnt let him go for a long time, she said she was "brainwashed". She says now she is a lot stronger and a lot better person and "what was I ever thinking to let him treat me like that"<BR> I cannot understand what you are going through, except for the pain of the affair, please find a site for abused women so you can get some support on that front also.<BR> I can sympathize with the hurt of having the OW in your house.Please come here for support, we have all been there.<BR>Please listen to the whisper of God, open your ears and eyes.<BR>Good Luck