I am so hurt right now I dont even know what to type. He says he's never cheated on me but he's lied about so much else, how can I believe him? I had a baby this year and while I was on maternity leave I found a bag with some raunchy video's and a picture of him with a fully nude stripper, he was behind her and had his hands on her breasts. That was devastating enough for me and I still havent quite gotten over that.<BR> Fast forward to today. I got up and noticed he had forgotten to sign off the internet. And I know it was bad but I thought it was the pefect opportunity for me to see just what kind of email he got. Well his new mail was empy, as was the old mail, but his sent mail(stuff he has sent other people) was loaded with the knives that tear through my heart right now. There were plenty of responses to pictures females had sent him(but of course I couldnt see them) one was re: why didnt you call me last night? Another I read him describing himself and what he liked doing, it didnt have any sexual refferences but he said if you want a friend or just to go out and have fun, like it was a response to a personal ad he put out, it also mentioned our kids, but no mention of me; like I didnt exist. And I'm sure if it was a guy he was talking to he would have mentioned having a wife. But the worst of all, he sent several pics of himself to them, which I could look at, and several of them where him in the nude, and a couple of just his private area, in which case he was arroused as well. I immedately storm to our bed room and demanded to know why he was sending girls naked pictures of himself. first he said I'm not then I said I'm looking at them right now. Then he says, well it was a long time ago. I'm not dumb, I can look at the dates they were sent and it was within this month. Then he keeps trying to tell me that they're just pictures, he was just curious, it excited him to take pictures of himself naked. And even when I asked how he would feel if i was sending a bunch of guys naked pics of me he didnt say nothing. I know it would bother him but he didnt say cause that would make what I was(am) feeling right. I just cant believe that he doesnt understand why I'm upset. To me this hurts as much as cheating, cause still other women have seen his unmentionables, and who knows what they did with those pictures. He says that they IM'ed him and asked him for them, that doesnt make him innocent to me though, he could have told them to go to hell, Its what I'd have said if a guy asked me. Then he also blamed me for not giving him sex whenever he wanted and complained that we only do it when Im in the mood. Isnt it supposed to be a mutual desire? Does he want me to do it when I dont want to, so I can cry into my pillow at night after feeling like I've been raped? And I just had a baby for christsakes, my hormones are imbalanced. He always makes it seem like my fault that he does this stuff, like I drove it to him and I had better be a better wife before he does it again or does worse? I asked him if the next thing I would find is pictures of him having sex with someone else, he got mad. He always gets mad when I accuse him of cheating and denies it passointly, does this mean its true? Why does he keep doing this to me? Why does he want to do stuff like this? I point blank asked him a while back if he had any fantasies he wanted fulfilled, why didnt he ask me to take pictures of him then? And he swears he told these girls he was married, but why didnt I read those letters? He said it was when they IM'ed him, but why are they even IMing him? How do they know his screen name?<BR> I just want to die right now, just want the pain to end. But I have to stay and suffer for the sake of my kids. I love my kids and I love my husband, but I sure dont feel loved in return. Would a man who loved me unconditionally do this? I know the man I married wouldnt have ever done stuff like this, where did he go? I feel like I have to mourn my marriage to the man I love and condemn myself to live the rest of my life with a stranger who makes me miserable. He always says he'll never hurt me again, then in a week SLICE! another cut with the knife. Why arent I good enough? I'm so confused and hurt, I dont know how I'm going to go to work tonight. I just want it to stop hurting<BR> I also just got a call from my DR yesterday, my pap was abnormal. I'm scared as hell about that and he's lending no sympathy. Says I'm sure theres nothing wrong. After finding what I did this morning I keep thinking maybe he'll be lucky and I'll have cancer. Then his response to the personal ad will be true, there will be no wife, I wont exist.<BR> I'm just so hurt right now, I dont know if I'll ever recover. I keep feeling if he keeps this up there will be nothing left of me. He says he does love me and is sorry, but I just cant take that in right now. How can I after all the lies? And he still denies physically cheating, and I want to believe him(it would hurt too much to not) but its so hard, I want to trust my husband, I love him, but I feel like I'm weak because I cant send him packing. He's the father of my children and I want more children. I havent done anything remotely like this to him, why do I deserve this punishment? I'm afraid to tell my friends cause they'll think I'm weak for not leaving him. And I'm embarrased by what he's done, I cant talk to anyone I know.<BR> Like I said, its so hard to find the words to go with my pain so I've been rambling. I just wish it would go away, but I cant make it. Thank you for giving me a place to get out my feelings.

Dear hurtbyondblief,<P>I am sorry you are in this situation. I am married to a man who enjoys internet porn and chatting online with OW. He uses YAHOO messenger to chat with other people. The only things he has changed since D-Day back in April was he changed his YAHOO profiles to saying he is married, after I was very persistent about it every day for a week. He also stopped using our computer at home to chat but now brings his laptop home every night.<P>What is going on in your marriage is infidelity, plain and simple. Your feelings ARE justified. When infidelity is discussed, many people refer to an actual physical affair, meaning two people getting together secretly and engaging in sexual activities. When you talk to people who feel cheated on in their relationship though, some will define infidelity as any relationship that is conducted in secrecy and that you would not want your spouse to know the true nature of. With the advent of the internet, infidelity may include talking intimately with others, cybersex, e-mail, pornography and cheating via on-line chats. <P>I see this happening a lot to moms of young children, like you and I. You go through the transformation from spouse to parent and some attention gets shifted away from your spouse to your baby. As you embark on the emotional, spiritual and physical journey into motherhood, it's very easy for Dad's to get jealous. I know my husband did. This may not be your case but this is when my husband's cybercheating started. I was ignoring his emotional needs and he was ignoring mine. There was a huge crevass between us. We didn't make love for almost a year, including throughout my fourth and final pregnancy. He wasn't there for me, I wasn't there for him. He sought out other people for his ENs and between being postpartum and majorly depressed becasue of out marital problems, I was literally on the verge of suicide. At that time, I stayed around for one reason only...my kids. <P>Confronting him is one piece of getting your marriage back on a path toward healing. Here is a story I wrote about one woman's struggle with her husband's online infidelity. <A HREF="http://www.bustedyouonline.com/onlineinfidelity1.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.bustedyouonline.com/onlineinfidelity1.htm</A> <P>I also moderate an e-mail discussion group at YAHOO for people who have suffered because of online infidelity. This online support group is offered for people who have been hurt because of online infidelity and it is for both wayward spouses (who are repentant) and betrayed spouses. The URL is <A HREF="http://groups.yahoo.com/group/onlineinfidelity" TARGET=_blank>http://groups.yahoo.com/group/onlineinfidelity</A> <P>Here are some other recommended reading materials. <P>The Warning Signs of A CyberAffair <A HREF="http://www.bustedyouonline.com/cyberaffair_warning.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.bustedyouonline.com/cyberaffair_warning.htm</A> <P>A resource for those struggling with Online Pornography and Affairs<BR>http//www.Pure Intimacy.org <P>Center for On-Line Addiction <A HREF="http://www.netaddiction.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.netaddiction.com</A> <P>Affairs of the Internet <A HREF="http://temagami.uwaterloo.ca/~petz/affair.html" TARGET=_blank>http://temagami.uwaterloo.ca/~petz/affair.html</A> <P>Check out these links so that you can find comfort in knowing you are not alone and that this really is infidelity. In some aspects, some betrayed spouses find this even harder to deal with than a physical affair. Read all you can here at marriage builders. Post and read. we are here to help.<P>Bluebird<P><p>[This message has been edited by Bluebird (edited September 07, 2001).]

dear hurtbyondblief,<P>I know how you feel. I Just recently I have discovered the same thing. My husband has been cheating with a girl in Europe, and I am sure many others. He left his email open and I too looked through it. He said things like he "I love you", "I dream about you" and "I wish I could hold you." I felt like puking. How could he say those things to an absolute stranger? He doesn't even say those things to me. The worst part is that I keep reliving it in my head. I confronted him and he fessed up. I asked him straight out if he wanted a divorce and he paused and half-heartidly said no. I was going to L.A. the next day and I was hot. I didn't say good bye, I just left. He called me while I was there with some lame excuse, that he needed to give me a phone number. Anyway I had been suspecting that something was going on because I found a calling card. There is no reason that he needed one. Anyway we talked and he was sorry, and he doesn't understand why he hurts me. He agreed to go to marriage therapy. He is leaving for the Navy in 2 weeks and I really want to work this out before he goes. We have had sex a couple of times. But after he went and saw the therapist he clammed up again. Now I am mad. I have been busting my butt to take the pressure off of him. Yesterday, I looked through our computer's history, and found that he possibly sent someone a romance ecard. How dare he use me like that. I have talked to his family, I have talked to his best friend, and everyone is stunned and confused to why he is pulling this crap. Today I disconnected the internet service and disconnected the extra phone line. The phone is in my name so he can't get it reactivated. Anyway I guess what I am trying to say is that I am sorry you have to go through this. No one deserves this. And to those of you out there that dabble in these internet affairs, I say "shame on you" The funny thing is that most of those people are so fake. And people who get fooled by it are idiots. I tried to sympathize with them at first, but now I don't care if they are whining little house wives or bored husbands, it is wrong. They need to know they are creating a cycle. Thanks for letting me sound off. It really helped!!<P>

It's DEFINITELY cheating!!! Read these:<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5028_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity on the Internet Letter #1</A><P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5028b_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity on the Internet Letter #2</A>

I hate to add misery to your situation, however, I would feel terrible if I didn't share with you. I know how I felt. I also had a bad pap smear in Dec. of 1999. My husband let me go for 3 months worring that I may have cancer. Well, come to find out, I caught a sexually transmitted infection from the whore that he was doing and it showed up in the pap. After 3 months I had a recheck and it came back normal. Please ask your doctor if it is possible that you have HPV. That is a sexually transmitted disease that could eventually turn into cancer or herpes.There is also a bacterial infection that causes a bad pap smear as well. By all means, keep bugging you husband to tell the truth. I told my husband that the only way you get what I had was thru sex, and since I hadn't cheated, then he had to have. He denied it at first, actually for 6 months, because he still hadn't told me after the pap came back normal, but then 3 mos after that I was getting more and more suspicious and he finally told me the truth. Good luck and God Bless.

Im sorry, this is awful for you.<BR>My only suggestion is to do a search for sexual addiction.<BR>One thing you said that is a big clue is going to bed feeling like you have been raped, this is rlated to his sexual addiction, as his addiction gets worse he will treat you with less respect.<BR>There are some internet sites with areas for spouses of sexual addicts, they can give you support and advice.<BR> You can also print out a test for him to see if he is a sexual addict.<BR>Hope this helps.