I found out about a month and a half ago that my H had an affair because I was not meeting his sexual needs, and the truth of the matter was I did not know how. But now what do you do when your H says he wants to save our marriage, but his actions state something else.<P>He told me he is going to call, but he didn't. I haven't spoken to him in 3 days. He talks around his feelings (not being totally honest - not enough details), and all the focus is on what I didn't do or what issues or problems I have?<P>Granted I'm 34 and only had sex with three men in my life - My first H of 4 years (separated two years before divorce), a one night stand, and my second H (of three years and currently separated) - what a history.<P>I have these emotional mood swings - one day I'm okay, next sad, next lonely but what do you do when his actions state other wise. I decided not to call him since he is the one in error why should I be "chasing" after him, if he wants me then come get it. When we are together, like at church, he attempts to make it appear like everything is okay. If we get together outside of church, I can't stand to look at him, but try to see if I can read into him.<P>I am tired of people asking me how is he? where is he? ( I don't know) and how come you are by yourself? What do you say when people can tell that something is wrong but you don't want people in your business?<P>I just want this to be over, and kill the pain. Today is a very lonely day - the weekends are a killer, but the weekdays I'm busy. I decided to step back and let this go. Whatever the Lord has for me is mine, and that's all I can rely on even thou part of me is upset with God for allowing this. What boldiness that is to be upset with your maker, and the one that controls and rules all things.<BR>I have nerve, but I've honestly been working on it.<P><BR>

If you are angry at God, no problem. He can take it. And you might as well admit it, he knows anyway.<P>How do WS go to church? I have been wondering. Mine seems to have rationalized away any consciousness that an A and regular church attendance don't go together...

Whyme,<BR>Why do you say that you didn't know how to meet his needs? <BR>Did you not talk? As far as your age and the # of men, what difference does that make? Don't put yourself down for that.<BR>I think it's rather a plus, except for the one night thing.<BR>He's taken control in this situation, and frankly it's pretty stupid he had the A. But what's happened is done, and he needs to own up to it, not run away. BGentle is right too, God knows you're upset. Maybe you need some antidepressants to get you thru this time. <BR>Your H is in the wrong, don't forget that.

Well, Bgentle, WS goes to church, I guess he is attempting to rebuild his relationship with the Lord, which is good; and I'm not sure if that's really what he's doing actually. The reason why your WS has rationalized that an A and regular church attendance don't go together is because of the guilt and shame one fills because they know they have sinned against God. Not only did the A effect you but it was a direct violation of God's law. But regardless if WS goes or not, you should because worship does relieve some of the stress and pressure.<P>TCat - In response to your questions: I only say that because its what he has told me, but I really don't know what his needs were. I knew he liked to have sex which was okay but I think he wanted me to want it as much as he did (which I didn't). Yes, we did talk about sex (in marriage counselling) and there were some issues that he knew of before we got married that I was dealing with (trust). We spoke about sex after marriage but it was not an communicated properly on both ends but it was more of duty (on my part). Sex in my first marriage was duty. My first H was only concerned about his needs, and I was lost for feelings or desire. I left that marriage and went into this one with the same attitude. That in a real sense did not allow me to be as "free" or passionate, as he says, that I could have been. I feel he should have either walked me to were he wanted me or dealt with me where I was. Most women my age have lots of experience, and I seem to behind the time. TCat, I agree with you about the one night thing :-(<P>The thing I am dealing with now is "forgiveness". If I forgive him does that mean that I have to take him back?<BR>This is really a tough pill to swallow, and the pain now seems a little less than a month or so ago, but oh the anger is so real. However, forgiveness at this point is unthinkable. I can't allow him or anyone else to disrespect me in such a way and not feel some kind of discomfort. My first H did the same thing, and now my second H does the same thing. Well my next H - I don't plan to find out :-)<P>Yea, I'm miserable. I don't like being by myself but I don't have a choice, and I can't take him back now. I talk better with him over the phone, in person I usually get upset and can't even look at him for long periods of time. I'm really disgusted with him and his actions.<P>Our pastor has arranged a meeting for us so we can at least begin to "talk" - about what exactly? I know - he wants us to attempt to come to some resolution about the matter - what happened before this, what was my WS's state of mind. So that either we can work things out or divorce. So I agreed even thou I think it will be a waste of time, but I feel within me that I must begin to deal with whatever I feel and state it - but forgive myself for actions I've taken that contributed to this incident (not that its my fault - not at all). I already told him if he can't deal where I am it's not a problem say so and we'll move on but I think he has already proven this fact. I hear people say forgive and forget. How do you do that? Do we have any success stories regarding "survival after an A".<P><BR>