Reposted also on EN forum! So he has admitted to three internet sex contacts, two "professionals", numerous topless bars and lap dances, clothing optional beaches, masturbation aids, and then there are the porno downloads and magazines. He travels the U.S. and Canada for business. One male friend in particular encouraged this sort of behavior. He admits he has developed a "second" life with friends of both sexes. The female he says were "just friends" and that they just went out to lunch or some parties - he used to work with most of them but I have never met them. I am so sick, I can hardly believe that I am still upright after writing that down!<P>We've been married six years this October. We have a wonderful 4 year old son, and my husband has 13 year old son from a previous marriage. My husband just turned 39 and I will be 39 in a few months.<P>There was an incident when we were dating and he had been seeing other women. But I excused it because I was slow to commit (he moved pretty fast) since I had been divorced for less than one month when I first met him. We did not live together prior to marriage. I was, I thought, careful to outline my concept of marriage to him even as he proposed, and he agreed with my concept. It would have fit nicely into MB. And believe me, I was very clear about how I felt about topless bars and all of the other stuff.<P>But after the wedding we began to disagree. It is as if my husband has never started behaving like a married man! He went out after work with people and did not come home until late. No calls, no excuses, he told me it was none of my business. His male friend (see above)brought up other women in front of me. We fought all the time. I kept trying to get him to read books about marriage and sex. Eventually, I gave him an ultimatum. I required that he end contact with the male friend and all the other female freinds. I am still not sure if he ever did - now I think he just went underground. I found out I was pregnant shortly after. <P>Two years ago strange stuff seemed to happen, and I began to accuse him of lying about something, but I always back down. Last year near the end of summer he didn't come home until 4:00 in the morning. We fought about it for several days, but I eventually backed down. Since then I have accused him many times, and we have a blow out about once a month. I always let him get away with it, and I always back down. <P>Somehow, and slowly, I got an admission from him this time. He found the MB website on his own and showed it to me. He has done some of the things recommended here, and ordered several books. He has demonstrated that he ended his assorted male and female friendships. He is letting me check up on him, sometimes cheerfully, sometimes reluctantly and sometimes with anger, and sometimes with extreme anger. Overall, there are alot of good things he has done. <P>I am trying Plan A I guess. But I have no solid ground. He is a stranger to me. His sincerity makes me disgusted and angry because he has used it to get his way in the past. I want to hide my body from him. I don't trust him to take out the trash. The very act of having to check up on him makes me sick. I get no comfort really from checking up on him, because I figure if I don't find something, then it is because he hid whatever it was before I found out. Today I couldn't reach him on his cell phone for 10 minutes and I really lost it. Then he became very angry about having to prove where he was (or wasn't) and did something very strange that I cannot bring myself to print. A little while later I asked him to leave but he ignored me. Then later he actually came trying to hug me and make up and that disturbs me even more. <P>So what did I do? I made dinner!<P>Sorry, this is so long - but all replies and comments would be appreciated, because I could use some! <P>------------------<BR>pundit<p>[This message has been edited by pundit (edited September 09, 2001).]

pundit,<BR>I'm so sorry for what you're going thru. I'm a BS and my H is also addicted to porn on internet. Although he really hadn't had any contact on line, I can relate and know how much pain you have...<P>I'm no expert and don't have a good advice to offer, but please read things on this site and ask questions. There are lots of good people on this board. Did you already check out OneGoing's post "General Welcom for All New Builders"? <BR>Here is the link: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html</A> <P>It's a good idea to post in "General Questions" or "Emotional Needs" because these are lot more active forums, you'll get more responses. Also I've seen many discussions about porn addiction especially in "Emotional Needs" forum.<P>The only thing I can think of to tell you right now is that plan A is not about "backing down". You have to become stronger, and be good to yourself, and to your spouse. MB can lead both of you to get there. It is a very good sign that your H wanted to try out MB rules... I wish my H would!<P>There are many similar situations like yours. Maybe you'd like to search posts about "internet affair", "porn" or maybe "boundary". Go to "search" and type the key word in "search words" box.<P>I hope some of the good MB builders come in and give you good advice soon. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone... Please ask questions and keep posting...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Then he became very angry about having to prove where he was (or wasn't) and did something very strange that I cannot bring myself to print.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>??<P>Laura

[QUOTE]Originally posted by itrust:<BR>[B]pundit,<BR>I'm no expert and don't have a good advice to offer, but please read things on this site and ask questions. There are lots of good people on this board. Did you already check out OneGoing's post "General Welcom for All New Builders"? <P>Yes, I have. Thanks! <P>It's a good idea to post in "General Questions" or "Emotional Needs" because these are lot more active forums, you'll get more responses. Also I've seen many discussions about porn addiction especially in "Emotional Needs" forum.<P>Thanks for the suggestion. I reposted to that forum.<P>There are many similar situations like yours. Maybe you'd like to search posts about "internet affair", "porn" or maybe "boundary". Go to "search" and type the key word in "search words" box.<P>Yes, I will try this.<P>I appreciate your comments! God Bless. <BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lucks:<BR><B> ??<BR>I appreciate your reply and interest. But I don't wish to make any further explanation.<P>Laura</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Pundit,<BR>Do you feel intimate with this man? Intimacy only comes with honesty. Eventhough he seems to be telling you SOME things, which makes you FEEL good, like he's being honest with you, is he telling you the whole story, or are you questioning what your being told? <P><<Somehow, and slowly, I got an admission from him this time. He found the MB website on his own and showed it to me. He has done some of the things recommended here, and ordered several books. He has demonstrated that he ended his assorted male and female friendships. He is letting me check up on him, sometimes cheerfully, sometimes reluctantly and sometimes with anger, and sometimes with extreme anger. Overall, there are alot of good things he has done. >><P>My favorite saying is that if you can't trust someone in the little things, how are you going to trust them with the big ones. Are you enabling him to cover? <P>TopCat <BR>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by TCat:<BR>[B"<P>Do you feel intimate with this man?" <P>Are you kidding? I can't remember the last time I could have answered yes to that question. <P>"Even though he seems to be telling you SOME things, which makes you FEEL good, like he's being honest with you, is he telling you the whole story, or are you questioning what your being told?"<P>Given that his past strategy has been to "deny everything" and "admit nothing" - it seems like just having him admit that he has done all those things is amazing to me. Even so, yes, I am still questioning him and I am checking on him constantly. He checks in with me too. <P>But I am soooooo angry. It makes me even more angry to have to check up on him. His sincerity makes me angry. His smile makes me angry. It makes me angry when he puts gel on his hair in the morning. I can't look at him without getting angry.<P>"My favorite saying is that if you can't trust someone in the little things, how are you going to trust them with the big ones. Are you enabling him to cover?" <P>Enabling? I really don't know how to answer that. Before we were married I told him what I considered desirable in marriage, and unacceptable, and I set the "boundaries" everyone seems to think will help me so much. My H will tell me, you, the marriage counselor, and his mother that he understood the boundaries and (if you let him out of your sight) within the next hour he will be stuffing bills into a g-string! <P>Trust with little things and big things? I don't trust him with anything or anyone, big or small, that might have something to do with sex or women. I haven't trusted him for years. <P>Today he was supposed to call for a counseling appointment but he said he did not get around to it, but would try tomorrow. <P>This morning he called me and left me a voice mail to tell me that his cell phone had been off for awhile in the morning, and he was worried that I would be upset. I was in a meeting and thankfully I never knew. He called me 3 more times today at work. Then at 5:00 pm he said he was working on some software installations that were very difficult. After that, he called me at home once or twice an hour from his desk and I called him a couple of times, too. He got home at 9:30p. <BR>So these are things I know about him,<BR>1. Could he have been at his desk surfing or chatting the porn sites all that time this evening, and calling me between the action? Yes.<BR>2. So I asked him if that is what he was doing? He said "No." I asked him again if he was sure? "No. I'm not doing that anymore."<P>So, if he was lying again and he was really surfing the porn sites all the time he was in the office, then I was enabling. <P>

Of course you don't feel intimate. I'm just stating the obvious. Anyway, I'm not saying you're enabling, but god how I would be sick of trying to find the truth out, or maybe you're to the point that it doesn't matter anymore. I mean, how long do you want to check up on someone? I personally would want for a short period, but then ya know, it's gonna come out anyway... addictions are like that.<P>TopCat