I just found out that my H is a serial adulterer. It is so difficult to just adjust and collect my thoughts today after finding out yesterday that he has been seeing someone over the past several months. I feel so stupid,used and have only myself to blame that I took the chances/risks to save my marriage/family over the years. I am now admitting that I have allowed myself to be scammed. My H met very little of my emotional needs throughout the years which has been absolutely toture for me. I am extremely romantic and quite comfortable with my own sexuality. I have had plenty of opportunities over the years to have affairs myself and avoided/turned all of them away. It has been like self briddling myself in not wanting to act out in revenge, harm myself, him or our children. I just keep walking away from those types of situations as I know how much it hurts to be betrayed. My H has betrayed me so often as he knows my weak spot and that is my marriage/family that I endure. When I read about people not meeting emotional needs can I ever relate. It has not been easy emotionally to reject the many advances made to me by my h friends over the years. How do you say to a strayer that his friends could of done a much better job at meeting my needs as a woman on so many levels. It makes me so happy to know that there are millions of marriages out there where people's relationships are less than perfect--relationships full of flaws, full of unmet needs and still partners do not seek out affairs. My H will probably want a divorce now that I have called his hand yet another time. And go bang busters wild with women at the single bars he hangs out at. It will probably hard for the next while but you know there are two sides here those who haven't cheated and can love also deserve peace and love. Plenty of other people on the planet who can love back in kind and undestructive ways. I have often dreamed what it would be like not to be treated sub human lonly pathetic level and actually experince one day love. People who commit affairs over and over are not lovers of human kind but only of them selves. Their greed, lust and cruelty knows no limits but thrives on having a victim. Maybe a host is a better word to use, that becomes comes their prey that they can feed off and suck the life out. I have learned after so many years of marriage no matter how loving, kind, supportive, forgiving, willing, tolerant etc, these type of people just keep on taking and taking with out exaiming themselves and find more people willing to have affairs with them to suck out what they have to give on what ever level. It seems never enough or good enough from the spouse. There is a God out there that doesn't condone spouses dealing treachery with thier spouses and will repay. I only hope that I can go through this familar dark passage of martial death that my spouse has led me down before over and over. Maybe this time I will grab on to a life line,let have his divorce, new honey and not be stupid anymore. My rose tinted glasses of optimisim,hope, faith, trust, beliefs for better days to come are now but smashed forever. Let them lie in the garbage heap where I should have thrown them long ago and gotten over my delusions. <P>Signed Pathetic who hanged on-for nothing but more pain!<P>How does it feel when love is not real!

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry you are here and for the pain you are in. <P>I can relate. My husband cheated early on in our relationship, several times. I felt all of it was a lie. I came to understand that it was not. Just because he betrayed me, did not make MY LOVE and faithfulness a lie. <P>Have you read the materials on this site? It sounds like you have. You just found out yesterday? All of it or just the latest affair? Please keep you and your children safe. Praying for you...

Thanks rascal for the support and encouragement--means alot to me and I too, one hand feel sorry that I am here. But another level greatful for the support and this site. The pain/hurt is so great. His prior affairs really hurt the most as I had no where to turn, or where to get tools to heal myself. Your prayers are deeply appreciated as it has been prayer that has helped me make it up to this point. In response to your questions my h can affair in the beginning in our marriage mid point and now this one. Actually, I really don't know how many others there has been do they ever tell the truth? H has also been in the bars,parties etc without me sooo I doubt he was out protecting our marriage or nuturing it. He know has said that if I can't get over this incident or the past he wants out. That stung leaving me with that kind of disrectful remark. He says he wasn't having an affair but rather got connected with an old friend from days gone by sent a few greeting cards and met her with one drink while with work colleagues. Do I belive this? He feels that I should not be so sensitive about his having women as friends and his flirting doesn't mean he;s interested in them after all he's been married to me for all these years. He feels he is a social being and no harm intended, say's he didn't tell me about it as I go off the ceiling. Anyways, he is also is justifying his social flirtatious behaviors as normal and pushing to resume some other contacts. Does he seem in remorse no! It's just a power play and says if I don't like it then I can file for a divorce. I am so angry with him, and his nerve. He doesn't deserve trust and after what he has done in the past to me what nerve to think he can withdraw from my heart account. WHAT DISRESPECT for me as human being and a life partner. Actually, the thought of divorce is rather freeing for me as then I could freely get on with my life and be with someone who has actual character. I have met alot his needs for years and years because he wants more and more without giving to much back. Let's not forget he wants his cake and eat to or else! What a terrible thing to hold over someone's head... He is far to high mainteance and underserving of my time, care and attentions. He on the other hand used up his life energy to cheat, lie, deceive, and have good time. How does one fullfill a bottomless pit that he is? Can marriage builders help with such a person who is so constantly needy and greedy like him? Or when the winds of life and responiblity pop up he is gone on to better things like other women. Weak character is all I say and almost babyish.. I want a man not a baby.....<P>Thanks for listening-- I am still realing at his unbelivable ultimatim. If I were a man think I take him outside and give him a few fisted rounds. Time to seperate the men from the boys. Ahhhh!

So sad. Such an ego. Maybe plan B is your only hope for your own sanity. He is still visiting singles bars... You deserve the best. Go for it, call his bluff, fish or cut bait.<P>TopCat

You are welcome for the support, Mayday. It sounds like your husband is in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>taker</A> mode. Yes, I believe Marriage Builders can help. Have you considered counseling? If so, maybe Marriage Builder counseling? I can point you to the phone number, if you are interested. <P>I see a lot of similarities in what your husband has said to you and what my husband said to me. Back then, I did not know about Marriage Builders. We never really recovered from his affairs/flings and I ended up having an emotional affair several years later. That is how I ended up here...<P>We have been in recovery for 2 1/2 years. <P>How long have you been married? I think you need to examine what you want and go from there. We are here to support you. <P><p>[This message has been edited by Raskal (edited September 11, 2001).]

I thought I was reading something that I had posted myself and forgotten about.<P><He feels that I should not be so sensitive about his having women as friends and his flirting doesn't mean he;s interested in them after all he's been married to me for all these years. He feels he is a social being and no harm intended, say's he didn't tell me about it as I go off the ceiling.><P>My W tells me the same thing. She admitted to sleeping with a long time male friend, but yet, she tells me that I am too controlling and don't allow her to have male friends. She explains that I have had many female friends in the past and she didn't "go off the ceiling" like I do.<P>I honestly believe that she really believes that she is right. That I have no reason to invade "her" privacy. That my loss of trust for her is what is tearing us apart. I think that all "affair addicts" believe that they are not doing anything wrong and they used every excuse in the book to justify their actions.<P>I hope you can find peace in your life.<P>Pops

Thanks for all the support-- I really needed everyone input. Just when I think things were bad now they are very,very bad. Today I found out more and I just want to vomit. The stress level for me is at it's zenith. Everything that is going wrong that possibly can go wrong has hit. I have not enough words to convey my outrage my betrayer so called husband. All I can think of is wanting to call up a realtor and sell our house. Next I want to get as far away from him as possible. I really never want to see his face again after learning more about his affairs and slinkings. But I have only myself to blame at the moment in letting my defenses down in the first place and allowing myself to be attacked by this pathetic gutless coward. I am so0ooooooooooooooooooo angry.... the affairs really are but conducting warfare, assult on another person.<P>I am so outraged.............................................

Mayday:<P>Firstly, welcome to marriagebuilders. I'm glad you found this site. I know I don't know what I would have done without it.<P>Here's my advice for you. Do NOT make any decisions right now. Making decisions based on anger is not going to help you right now. What you need is some you time. Try to get your mind off of things (I know, virtually impossible.. sigh!). Go shopping, out for coffee with a girlfriend, rearrange some furniture (that's a favourite of mine... couches work best.. they allow for exerting your anger energy into something more productive.. and if you punch or kick them, they won't resent you for it), take a nice long bubble bath, have a glass of wine in the tub with you! ANYTHING that is just for YOU.<P>After a few days, when you've calmed down some, you can start with your plan. It is then when you will be more able to decide whether or not you want to do your best to save your marriage. IMO, if there is even the slightest bit of wanting to do that, you should try it. Otherwise, you may have regrets later in life, always wondering the 'what ifs'. And my guess is that you do want to work it out, otherwise you wouldn't be here in the first place.<P>I do understand your hurt. My H cheated on me many times throughout our relationship, and had 1 EA, 1 EA/PA, and 2 PA's during our marriage (all within one year). I never thought I would want him back after the last time, but once I calmed down some, I realized that I truly loved him, and wanted to try my best. We are now about 4 months in recovery, and things are going VERY well.<P>Whatever you decide you want to do, we're here to help you (some forums are better than others, depending on your choice). Best wishes,<P>Karen<BR>

Hi mayday,<P>I have just had the same thing happen...I knew of 2 A's, but there were more. I don't have any other proof other than I caught two STD's (I didn't know one WAS a STD,) the other there was a possibility of getting from toilet seats. This was before we were married...and I believed his stupid lies. It hit me yesterday what has been going on, probably my whole married life. I have suspected here and there, but I kept ignoring it.<P>My post is over on D/D if you want to read it.<P>I am also taking Topie's advice, holding off doing or saying anything...we are already separated. I feel like visiting the lawyers and filing, but I know in myself that RIGHT NOW that's anger and hurt talking to me. So I am trying to deal with the pain of losing my picture of my marriage, and screaming inside all the while.<P>Hugs, to you.

Hi everyone,<P>I have been laying a little low these past few days as my emotional pain has left me speechless, numb, angry and very resentful. So much so I couldn;t bring my self to respond but felt so grateful for the outreach all the same. Guess, I am not use to having kindness and support shown to me in this manner. Sorry that I fell off the communication wagon my pain was to great to bring myself to communicate.<P>To address some of the great advice which many of you have kindly suggested. Yes, H and I are now in counciling with Steve. What a difference he has made. Sad part though my H is pretty much denying that he has had this affair with the OW. I think he is really terrified to come clean. So what else can be said. I wake up in the middle of the night and my mind wanders to back to all the cues,loads of red flags.Which makes me want to discover more. H still stands on the fact that he only sent emails and friendly card back and invited her out for a drink. The OW was just a friend. Of course hearing that makes me more angrier as I don't belive him after the track record he has had the deception is still driving me crazy.<P>I think there is much to said by telling the BS the truth. The deception, denial, and lies are so very cruel.The deception is worse because one can't really heal with lies lurking in the shadows all the time. I am so angry with him that all I want to do is outburst at him all the time. I am trying so hard not to do LB but am finding it so difficult to do. At moments I do feel love for him, then I feel absolutely digusted and outraged that I would allow myself to feel any love for him at all, when he has conducted such cruel acts over the life time of our marriage.<P>Yesterday, I had a huge fight with him after finding out all the monies that had disappeared from our account. He attributes to using the money on his drinking. Bogus!<P>He probably won't confess as probably he is protecting the OW. What a jerk. His having 3x A that I know of makes me want to again vomit. I do agree that this is beyond our relationship and indicates that he definately has a serious personality disorder that stems from his family lack of attention, childhood abuse, etc. But he has had every opportunity through out the years through all our previous counciling to get it together and he chooses to do this. This hurts even more. Very painful. When I read the posts I am amazed that people can be so forgiving. I feel so injured that it takes every ounce of my being to be kind to him.. He has done a terrible crime............to me and our kids.<P>

Mayday,<P>I completely understand your pain. My WS won't confess either, and lots of $$$ disappeared from our accounts also. I finally split the accounts down the middle to keep him from using my share on OW as we both work and have about the same incomes. It is cruel not to admit it. That let's our imaginations run wild and WS tries to make me think it's just a figment of my imagination....that nothing ever has, will be, or is going on to quote. Counseling's not helping either. Keep coming here for support. It helps you to stay on track and realize that all WS's say pretty much the same things. It's not us; it's them.