I'm working hard, I'm trying, but I often lose sight as to what I am working for.<P>His Love Bank Account is so overdrawn. He is barely covering his service charges and many times the balance continues to drop. When he tries to do something it doesn't raise the balance much. It is as if I just can't care anymore. Does that mean I just don't love him? Has he become nothing more than just another person for me to clean up after? It has been over 18 months. I would think something would have happened by now. <P>We've started therapy, but I don't feel it is really helping me much and he is still of the attitude that he doesn't need it, he is just going to be the strong supportive husband for me. I'm on antidepressants. I get to raise the dose in a few days, maybe that will help. My H makes it obvious he is eager for me to "get straightened out".<P>I have too much to do, but instead of helping me, my H just tells me I need to stop doing some if it. That has always been his way. His idea of helping me clean the house is telling me I don't have to clean it all right now, I can leave some of it til tomorrow.<P>I have told him how much this bothers me, but he just acts like I'm trying to do too much and therefore he needn't do anything to change the situation.<P>I love to bake and decorate and make gifts at Christmas. I want to give my children these memories. I also have to take myself and one of my sons to a Chiropractor 2 times a week. I have counseling 1 day a week either with or without H and my oldest son is beginning counseling this next week. The kids have homework and projects for school, plus Christmas concerts and that sort of thing to get ready for. Then there is the gift buying and the wrapping. It is all up to me.<P>I don't want to give any of this up, I want help doing it.<P>Now my daughter, oldest son and H have a terrible case of the flu. I am so tired. I figure the only reason why I haven't caught it is because I have been moving so fast it hasn't been able to catch me.<P>I want to go back to college in the Spring, but my H has asked me to wait one more semester. His attitude is I have waited 15 years, what is one more semester, my attitude is I have already waited 15 years, I want to keep going even if it is only one class.<P>No matter how hard I try, the slightest thing just sends him right back to his selfish ways. I find that I have to admit to myself that I hate my life as his wife, and sometimes can't get past the feeling of slavery when dealing with my children. <P>How do I take care of myself under these conditions.

Essyboo,<P>I hate to say this but your H is right. Please read this post again as if your were proof reading a paper. It is "I want..." You complain that you are over worked an yet most of the things you have to do "You want to do". He does not want to do them and he is telling you that you don't have to do many of them either. And as if you are not busy enough, you want to go back to college. <P>He sees a woman under terrible stress and she is putting most of it on herself and then complains that he won't help. If he did help you would simply had more stuff to do.<P>There is a message here Essyboo, let us think about it for a moment. Is it possible that your H felt neglected before his affair? Is it possible that you were too busy doing things "You had to do or wanted to do"? Are you returning to this pattern? Why? <P>Talk with the counselor about this please. It would seem to this very amateur physc. guy that you are trying to avoid things by keeeping real busy. I may be off base here, but this thread has some strong messages in it for you. <P>I would guess your H is trying to help with his suggestion not punish you or hurt you. Please rethink this whole thing. If there is some truth to it, let me suggest something.<P>Sit down with H, and using POJA decide what must be done, what is relatively important to be done, and finally what would be nice to do if you had lots of free time. In doing this see if he would agree to help you with the must to be done stuff and in turn you will agree to loss the would be nice items fof of your list. You just might find that H will help under these conditions and that with less stress you might be more inclined to accept some love units . In the coin of the realm of course.<P>Essyboo, please think about this. It is an opportunity to take charge of somethings, get your H involved in the decision process, and maybe help your feelings of being overworked not to mention your marriage.<P>God Bless You and Your Family<P>JL

Essyboo,<P>I don't know your story at all, so don't mean to make any comparisons, but after reading your post, you sound like your energy level is similar to my wifes. She had really been getting into the holidays again this year. Baking, decorating, shopping for presents, etc. She also is quit depressed and sometimes I think she throws herself into things things rather then facing what she is depressed about. I think it is our marriage. To me what is sad about this is she says she is doing it for the kids. To me this is sad because after the year we have been going through, I think that what would be more meaningful to the kids is if she would spend time with them, not decorate, or bake or buy presents for them. That is why I have a hard time helping my wife with these tasks, especially this year, because they just don't have a whole lot of meaning for me this year. Not sure if this is how your husband feels. My wife is going back to school this spring. She is pretty excited about it. I'm not. She plans to keep her job and go back to school in a town 70 miles away. She works everyother weekend and some nights so often times we don't see her to much. Now with school we'll see her even less. She has told me that part of it is a way to escape our marriage again. It's not the school that bothers me, but that she plans to keep her job too. I have been through this before and it is part of what started our downfall. (Not spending time together anymore). <P>Anyway sorry to jump in here and not sure I helped. Didn't mean to compare you to my wife either, but just thought I might let you know what your husband might be going through or maybe not. Good luck to you.

So much of what I'm wanting to do is with the kids. Atleast the Christmas stuff. I have so many memories of making cookies, pies and candy with my sister and Mom.<P>I know I am overextending myself, but Christmas was always so important to me and my family. It isn't and never has been important to my H so I overcompensate. I want my children to grow up with some memories and traditions from our family.<P>My oldest son shares his father's attitude and won't participate, he didn't even when he was young, but my younger two love it as much as I do.<P>If I only helped him with the things I agreed with or wanted to do myself he would be equally hurt. I'm just asking him for some consideration. I'm not asking him to help me with the things I want to do. I'm asking him to help me with some of the chores and kid running and that sort of thing so that I can have some time to do what I want to do. I would definitely love for him to get involved with me, but don't get mad when he doesn't. Can't he just help me because he knows it's important to me?<P>When college starts in the Spring, Christmas will be over. It won't be that bad.<P>It just boils down to the same thing. I want to feel important to him. I want him to support me and take pleasure in my pleasure. Maybe not by actually helping me or doing it with me, but by supporting me with it, instead of resenting the time I don't spend with him.

Essyboo,<P>Sorry you are feeling so exhausted. One thing I wanted to point out to you is that although this has been 18 months, you guys just started going to therapy, I think. So, that means that although YOU have been working onn things for quite saome time, as a couple, you guys just started working on things. Please give it some time.<P>I also hear some depression coming across in your post. I am hoping as you pointed out, that the increasingof your medication dose will make some impact in a positive way.<P>The holidays are pretty demanding on so manyof us - especially women. You sound alot like me. I do all the shopping, gift wrapping, all the decorating (except H usually did all the lights), all the cards, bought the gifts for his engineers and wrapped and mailed those, all the baking and cook the entire dinner too. Basically, the holidays are a time for my H and kids to enjoy themselves and a time fo rme to work myself into a frenzy. Now, like you, I lOVED doing it or I wouldn't have kept doing it all these years! Still, I would love to have some help and never did get it - it just wasn't important for my H, although he enjoyed the benefits of all I did. So, he wouldn't help, because it wasn't all that important to HIM.<P>Like you, I am also an overactive "DOER". I kept mysef WAYYYYYY to busy. Even now, in the midst of my marriage falling apart, like you I am in school working on my PhD, besides working full-time. <P>I think Just Learning makes a good point that is also applicable to me - was your H feeling neglected by the amount of time you were and are devoting to everything else?????<P>I know since my H and I have separated, I have dropped many other things I dearly love - but major time-drainers - Tae Kwon Do, other workouts I was doing, rearranged my work some so I don't have to work quite as much as I did previously. Basically, the only "extra" I am doing now is the school work. I want to show my H that time for our marriage is my #1 priority right now.<P>Think about this....there are ways to enjoy the holidays and to enjoy your traditions (like baking) without letting it eat up all your time.....find ways to simplify the holidays for yourself....not cram more in there....<P>Also, you need to rest some for YOURSELF! <P>Thinking of you,<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

I have been reading Give and Take. I realize that my Taker is strong and healthy right now and totally in control.<P>The Giver and Taker idea is solid, except in atleast my case there is something I don't understand. When I try to be a Giver for my children I end up coming across as a Taker to my H. If not a full Taker, then he still acts as if I am neglecting him.<P>Doesn't that make him a Taker? <P>Why does it always boil down to what he wants verses what I want? We just can't seem to get there.

I put a poem I read in a book called Women Who Do Too Much by Patricia H. Sprinkle.<P>Little Red Wagon.<P>This poem hits close to home.<P>I've been trying to stop the wagon, I must be on a downhill slide because stopping the wagon is harder than pulling it right now.<P>What if you stop the wagon and nobody gets out? That is the way I feel sometimes.

What is it about Christmas that brings out the worse I am best in us. It is like we have this picture in our mind as to what the perfect Christmas should be then we work so hard to make it perfect, that we forget a few things along the way. First we forget the true meaning of Christmas. Secondly I don't know about you but when I feel stretched so thin about everything that when I do things like bake the cookies,etc. I am short tempered and don't really enjoy what I am doing because I feel rushed. Yes we want to make these great memories for our kids. But you know they can be overwhelmed too. Now if you are exhausted trying to do all of this what good is it. You need to take time and enjoy it. The kids won't be damaged or think less of you if you drop certain things.<BR>Especially if you take real time to be with them not doing anything but just being with them and you H. Take time to enjoy the family, all the time. They aren't going to remember if the house was perfect but they will remember the time you and your h spent together, how well you got along, things like that.<P>BUt you are not doing anything wrong. You aare justlike most women I know me included. My children are grown, so all of this is hindsight. I wished I had taken more time to enjoy them when they were young, and wished I had not insisted on certain things being done and spent more time with my H. If I had I might not be posting here.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Essyboo,<P>You cannot recreate your childhood through your children!!! And you will be amazed what your children will remember and it will not be the things that you really knocked yourself out for. I believe TimJ is correct, his children will probably remember this Christmas not for the gifts his wife is buying or cookies, but as the last one their Mom and Dad were together. They probably remember last Christmass or perhaps the one before as the last one that Mom and Dad loved each other. Is this how your kids are going to remember this Christmas? Keep it up and you may creat just such memories for them.<P>You are missing the spirit of Christmas, it is love and time together. It is not how many presents can be piled under the tree, how many pounds we can gain eating cookies and drinking eggnog (I suspect I can match anyone in these two categories). Please think about this. Your being busy is good up to a point. But you already know that Christmas is not as big of a deal to your H and even your son. Could be genetic, who knows! Why do you keep beating on it and driving yourself down?<P>You never answered the question about your being busy driving your H away. Why do want to drive him away now. It is not a question of him getting his way. You think you are meeting his needs but I suspect you really aren't if you a doing this stuff full time. He is not meeting your needs either. What are they, full time domestic?, part time cook, are these really your needs? <P>Essyboo, you are driving yourself into a hole here and then claiming that your H is doing it. He is standing by and asking you to stop. He is not doing the driving on this issue. Quit putting him in a position where he will surely fail and then you can blame him for one more failure. I would think having an affair would be a big enough failure by him for you to worry about.<P>I admit to being greatly confused by you. You seem to only read in the responses to your posts what you want. Yet most of the respondents here have said essentially the same thing to you.<P>Is there something I could say or way to approach this situation, that would make some sense to you? Please talk to the counselor about this. It is what they are paid the big bucks for. Meanwhile, please slow down and enjoy what this season is really about.<P>God Bless You and Your Family<P>JL

Essyboo,<P>You cannot recreate your childhood through your children!!! And you will be amazed what your children will remember and it will not be the things that you really knocked yourself out for. I believe TimJ is correct, his children will probably remember this Christmas not for the gifts his wife is buying or cookies, but as the last one their Mom and Dad were together. They probably remember last Christmass or perhaps the one before as the last one that Mom and Dad loved each other. Is this how your kids are going to remember this Christmas? Keep it up and you may creat just such memories for them.<P>You are missing the spirit of Christmas, it is love and time together. It is not how many presents can be piled under the tree, how many pounds we can gain eating cookies and drinking eggnog (I suspect I can match anyone in these two categories). Please think about this. Your being busy is good up to a point. But you already know that Christmas is not as big of a deal to your H and even your son. Could be genetic, who knows! Why do you keep beating on it and driving yourself down?<P>You never answered the question about your being busy driving your H away. Why do want to drive him away now. It is not a question of him getting his way. You think you are meeting his needs but I suspect you really aren't if you a doing this stuff full time. He is not meeting your needs either. What are they, full time domestic?, part time cook, are these really your needs? <P>Essyboo, you are driving yourself into a hole here and then claiming that your H is doing it. He is standing by and asking you to stop. He is not doing the driving on this issue. Quit putting him in a position where he will surely fail and then you can blame him for one more failure. I would think having an affair would be a big enough failure by him for you to worry about.<P>I admit to being greatly confused by you. You seem to only read in the responses to your posts what you want. Yet most of the respondents here have said essentially the same thing to you.<P>Is there something I could say or way to approach this situation, that would make some sense to you? Please talk to the counselor about this. It is what they are paid the big bucks for. Meanwhile, please slow down and enjoy what this season is really about.<P>God Bless You and Your Family<P>JL

Just Learning<P>My h doesn't take interest in anything I do. I just want to feel important. I want him to stop degrading me and saying that my needs are ridiculous and therefore not deserving of being met.<P>If I do something I enjoy I have to do it alone. He belittles me over it in front of the children. He influences them away from my interests.<P>I do throw myself into crafts and projects because quite often it is the only solace I can find, the only rebuilding of my selfesteem and confidence.<P>His lack of interest in me is heartbreaking. You can count the "I"s and "Me"s if you want. There has to be something more in my life to make me want to stay married to him. I have talked to him about it and he will try for a while then just slips right back into apathy.