Okay, here I am after a full day after finding out that W is a adulterer and I feel pretty bad. I talked with her last night, and again today, asking specific questions that I already knew the answers to. She lied and then lied again to cover up the first one. <BR>I don't know if I am making a mistake by asking her specific questions, but she just refuses to give me the information by herself. She doesn't want to talk to me, she refuses to go to a counselor, and the feeling that I get from her feels like hatred. I keep asking myself why I am putting myself through all of this? I know that after 20 years invested, I deserve more than this. <P>So, tell me, is all of this normal? Am I doing the right things? How do you stick with Plan A without getting any love in return? I can't stand to put my arms around someone who, I feel, hates me. I think that I need to remove myself from the source of the pain or it's going to kill me - I never thought it could hurt so much.<P>I just need help trying to cope with all of the lies and the hatred.<P>Thanks,<BR>Pops<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by p0peye_34:<BR><B>Okay, here I am after a full day after finding out that W is a adulterer and I feel pretty bad. I talked with her last night, and again today, asking specific questions that I already knew the answers to. She lied and then lied again to cover up the first one. <BR>I don't know if I am making a mistake by asking her specific questions, but she just refuses to give me the information by herself. She doesn't want to talk to me, she refuses to go to a counselor, and the feeling that I get from her feels like hatred. I keep asking myself why I am putting myself through all of this? I know that after 20 years invested, I deserve more than this. <P>So, tell me, is all of this normal? Am I doing the right things? How do you stick with Plan A without getting any love in return? I can't stand to put my arms around someone who, I feel, hates me. I think that I need to remove myself from the source of the pain or it's going to kill me - I never thought it could hurt so much.<P>I just need help trying to cope with all of the lies and the hatred.<P>Thanks,<BR>Pops<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>When my H broke up my A I HATED HIM!! I hit him, spit on him, punched him, yelled and screamed at him, kicked him--well, you get the point. Through all of this he showed nothing but love for me (but ANGER toward OM). <P>I guess my answer to you is, for many WS this anger is normal. I mean, you broke up her A, her addiction! Addicts are like that--violent and hate their rescuer.

olgjmj,<BR>Thanks (I think) for your input. I am losing my enthusiasm in trying to make her love me.<P>She has a cell phone and still calls OM when I'm not around, she hides her phone bill from me all of the time, and I think that she is going to meet him when I go away on business pretty soon. I can't get her to stop this "addiction" that she has, and I am at the point where I want her out of my life - hopefully the pain will go with her. I think I just need some advice. I am willing to do anything, but I just don't want to drive her into his arms.<P>Pops

My H lied about his affair with my former best friend for 6 YEARS. It was only when he was forced to in counseling, that he told. The lies were the hardest part for me. He said he lied at first to protect HER marriage (what about ours) and after that, when he started feeling the pain and guilt, he just couldn't face me. It is much harder to go thru years later. When it first happened, he was 'in love' with her and left me to pursue her. We were apart 9 mos. They both swore that nothing happened and like a fool, I believed them. Now that he's himself again, he will answer anything I ask. It really helped him to see how I felt when he read Torn Asunder and an article called Shattered Vows which is by Psychology Today at findarticles.com<P>It's only been 2 mos since I've known the truth and it's very painful. 6 years ago, he acted like your wife. He was willing to do anything to be with her, told me he never loved me, etc. Because she was my best friend, I have double healing and forgiveness to do. She never did admit the truth and has never really acted sorry. I found out that they were in MY bed which destroyed me.<P>My H wouldn't go to counseling at first with me, but he went alone. It did help, although I didn't realize it at the time. 9 mos later we went together, and are going again. She is involved in an 'addiction' and will be hard to reason with right now. My counselor told me it's like talking to somebody under anesthetic, don't bother.<P>I'm glad I stuck it out. I'm grateful now that he's in counseling and being kind and loving to me. The scars from his affair will always be there however. Good luck, I know it's hard but time is the only real cure. For us, it was counseling and PRAYER that saved us. But you can't force them when they're not ready. Prayers

Pops,<P>Lying is part of a WS's tool. My W never lied to me until the EA happened. Then she lied all the time. I consider myself to have street smarts. Meaning that when my W did something that she would not have done in the past, I would check her tracks and then I found find the lie. Your W will not spill the beans and exspect more lies.<P>My W has said to me after the EA started that she does not love me, we should not have gotten married, not to touch her anymore, ect, ect, ect. Very hurtful things. I don't know if I can forgive her. But at this point I still love her, but as each week goes by, I lose a little each day. It's sad.<P><BR>If you look at the other posts, for the most part, they are a lot alike. I am at the end of my wits. I have my retainer money and paperwork ready for D. It's almost time. <P>Just remember, I read this from another post. "Life is short. If someone does not love you, why stick around and walk on egg shells for them" I agree. You need to worry about yourself and your kids if you have them. You can only try for so long.<P>Take care<P>Dino

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by olgjmj:<BR><B> When my H broke up my A I HATED HIM!! I hit him, spit on him, punched him, yelled and screamed at him, kicked him--well, you get the point. Through all of this he showed nothing but love for me (but ANGER toward OM). <P>I guess my answer to you is, for many WS this anger is normal. I mean, you broke up her A, her addiction! Addicts are like that--violent and hate their rescuer.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>May I ask how he broke up your Affair?

I can only say that your situation seems like mine but I am further along then you. What you are going through is almost imposable to correct while the A is active. I am now going through a Divorce with 3 children involved. I will get custody but I wish it were just a dream that never happened. I feel like 15 years together had no value. I heard all the same things you hear. Its the A at work. I f you have children its get more complicated. If not you might want to move on and put some distance between yourselfs. Yes you do deserve more then this and its time you changed your direction. DO NOT become a doormat and practice tough love. Does she want a D or try to keep it together?. Be strong and protect yourself, Read SAA buy on the online book store it could give you more insight. <P>You are not alone. My wife is on her third A and its now time to let go of the baggage. Once you made a decition to do this you will feel better. Be good and start thinking about yourself now , protect your assets and see an attorney.