My husband is in emotional turmoil. <P>He "fell in love" with a girl from work (15 yrs younger)and although they ended it in April because of the guilt they felt, he has still continued to email her. <P>I found out about the affair mid August and since then we have been waiting to do some counselling. <P>When I found out he said he wouldn't contact her again. Last week I found a "slutty" email he had sent to her. I immediately asked him to go and he wouldn't. He said that he would stop contacting her and has sent an email telling her not to contact him. <P>He says until last week he hasn't wanted to stop contacting her (she's far away) and me making demands has made him more stubborn. He can't say why he's emailing her or why he's prepared to risk everything for the sake of an email? <P>My questions are how long can he sustain this and what if he gets the urge to email her again? and also how do I know that he didn't just send another email telling her he was doing this for my sake? <P>Do I try and work at it or am I really wasting my time? He says he loves me deeply but feels a lot for her. <P>Can men genuinely believe they are in love and become confused or should I just let him go and be with her? Is it just infatuation that in time will diminish? <P>I guess I feel in need of some reassurance from men/women that this has happened to. <P>The email reads something like this I've replaced names with "my wife") <P>"My feelings are going up and down very quickly at the <BR>moment. I’m going to try to summarise how I feel, and <BR>what I intend to do. I’m not trying to hurt you but I <BR>think you might be disappointed by my conclusions. I <BR>hope the following explanation makes some sense to you. <P>Basically, I now know that I have to decide for myself <BR>what I want from a relationship. Otherwise I’m going <BR>to lose everything. I have to decide (for everyone's <BR>state of health!) who I want to be with long term. I <BR>really do think a lot of you, and I’ve meant what I’ve <BR>told you, but also I think a lot of my wife and the <BR>children. I’m caught in a dilemma and I want to find away through it. <P>In order to achieve this, I need to go through a <BR>process of understanding what's happened over the last <BR>year, why it's happened and what are the consequences. <BR>I think the best way to do this is to go through <BR>counselling, ideally with my wife but if not on my own. <P>To make this process work I need to clear my mind of <BR>everything else, and commit to the counselling process <BR>100%. I also need to be honest with my wife and with you. <BR>On balance, I think the best thing is if I have no <BR>more contact with you. This hurts because I have had <BR>very intense feelings for you. However I also have <BR>very intense feelings for my wife, and the children, and <BR>I owe it to everybody to see whether we can repair the <BR>damage that the affair and its aftermath has done. I <BR>need to give it the chance to work out and I need to commit to it totally. <P>I don’t know if you’re going to be travelling next <BR>week or not – I guess not. In any case, I do not want <BR>to meet you next week. I think it's best if I can step <BR>away from you. I have to do this if I’m to work <BR>through anything with my wife. It will be very difficult <BR>but I need to do it for my own sake. I think it’s best <BR>if I don’t speak to you or to e-mail you. Please don’t <BR>try to contact me either. I really think this is for the best." <P>Sorry its so long but I would love to hear peoples views. <BR>

Hi: How long will it keep up until the other person gives up. My wife had a affair 8 years ago. I made her quit her job to stop seeing him. Somehow even though she changed jobs and towns she kept running into him just wanting to be his friend. He chased her and got her to fall in love with him. The miniute I found out and she said she wanted to work it out with me he basiclly dumbed her. During this whole time of her just wanting to be his friend. He has had numorous girlfriends at least one baby out of wedlock. Lived with a few women. My wife admited to me about 3 weeks ago she finally stoped trying to keep in contact with him this winter. Almost 8 years she just wanted to be his friend and wondered how he was doing. Just wanting to keep in touch. Boy do I wish she had that much commitment to me. I have told her I love her more than anything in the world can not live without her my heart is on my sleave for her to keep breaking. All this I wonder if I would get the same care it she left me we have been married 15 years and known each other 22. I do not know what they are thinking. Sorry for such a long story but the answer is forever. Time is all that you have. I wish I could be more positive. Even with what I know I want to be married to her.

What your describing of your husband sounds exactly like me a year ago. I too fell in love with a co-worker and for over a year, I drove myself insane with confusion, torn between what I thought would be the "perfect, made-for-TV" relationship and all the responsibilities and tribulations that come from being married with children. I was hurting everyone... my husband, the other man and myself. Reading your e-mail, I can almost feel your frustration and your husband's frustration all over again.<P>My first observation is... this is far from over. If it was over the e-mail would have been more like... "I'm sorry I hurt you. I should have never had led you into a relationship that had no future. I love my wife and want to work things out with her. Please don't contact me anymore as this will only make it more difficult for us to work through our marital problems". That's it. Nice, straight up, to the point. No room for explanations. No "letting her down easy". Just straight up - it's over. I realize now that those who cheat are usually entice by the excitement of a new relationship, the drama of the entire situation. Your husbands e-mail was very dramatic... leading me to believe it was just another "scene" in this tv-movie he's living.<P>You need to make it VERY clear to him that this has got to stop. Don't take his word for it. Don't let him fool into believing it is over. It's like an addiction. He KNOWS he should quit, but he can't. But if push comes to shove... I'm positive he'd chose his wife and family. Give him that last push. Don't stand for it anymore. He needs that final ultimatum in order to quit his addiction.<P>And for the 4 weeks following the break up, watch him like a hawk. Spend as much time with him as you can. Don't expect him to be all lovey-dovey... it takes time for him to overcome the grief of ending the affair... but don't give him the chance to get sucked back into it.<P>If you, your husband and the other woman were in the same room together and you were demanding that he make a choice... trust me... she would be quickly dismissed from his life. But so far he's been able to get away with it (like sneaking cigarettes behind the school portable)... as long as he can get away with feeding his addiction, he will.<P>I hope my advice (having been through this - but on the other side of things) has been helpful. I'm sure all will work out for the best. Stand your ground and hang in there!

Thanks for the replies<P>After he sent the emial she phoned him and he told me about it (so i suppose there is a bit of honesty left in him).<P>we had our first counselling session yesterday and they reckon in 6 weeks we should be able to decide whether we go forward with our relationship or separate.<P>It's very hard but I'm trying to be upbeat and normal in the belief that if he decides to go it will be the hardest decision he's ever had to make. I won't make that decision for him by kicking him out.

Before you make a decision of this Isuggest that read the book by Dr. Harley, "Surviving an Affair". It is the roadmap to putting your marriage back together. The book is available in may bookstores, on this web site and through Amazon.com.<P>Also please read all of the material on this web site. There is so much help here for recovering your marriage.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare