2 1/2 years ago I fell in love with a co-worker and had an affair. Since that time, I have changed jobs, stopped all contact with him, and my husband and I attended counseling. It has been a year since the affair ended. I have been much happier in my marriage and I thought my husband was... until today.<BR>I caught him flirting with a girl on the internet. What he doesn't know is that the girl was me. I suspected he was visiting a chat room regularly so today I went into the chat room, made up a phoney name and sent him a message.<P>At first I was impressed with him. He immediately admitted he was married. I asked questions about his marriage and was hurt to find out that he's not as happy as I thought. At that point I had decided it was time for me to put more effort back into the relationship so that he would know that I still appreciate him and find him sexy.<P>But THEN... uh, oh... he asks me to meet him. I, of course, played along to see how far it would go... and now he is planning to meet this non-existent girl for lunch on Wednesday. <P>I'm not quite sure how to handle this. My first instinct was to see if he really does go meet her and then pack his bags. I know that I haven't been the most saintly spouse, but after all we've been through and how hard we've been trying I can't believe he would do something like this now!<P>Now that I've calmed down a bit, I'm thinking of telling him that it was me on the other end of those e-mail messages and find out what's going on with him.<P>He's always been very hypocritical of me, saying over and over again that he would never cheat on me, that he never lies to me, and often throws my affair back in my face. So a part of me wants to catch him, to prove to him that he "thought" he would never cheat on me, but you don't know what you would do until you're in that situation yourself.<P>What would you do?<BR>

Lunch on Wednesday, boy I'd love to see the look on his face if you walked up out of nowhere. My first thought would be to show up for lunch, it will make a bigger, unforgetable impact. He will crap his pants and really think twice before doing that agian. JMO

I don't like the situation you have put yourself in at all. None of the options sound good to me. <P>You could just not show up, but that is not being honest. <P>Any way you let him know it was you, he has every right to feel tricked and angry. <P>Are you still being counseled?

I'm usually on the 'general questions II' site.. but someone made a post there in reference to your post here, so I thought I'd check it out.<P>IMO, I would meet him for lunch. For many spouses, that would be more than enough for them to get that kick in the butt to see what they are doing, and how wrong it is.<P>But no matter what.. you HAVE to tell him it was you on the other end of the computer. Whether you tell him today, tomorrow, when you meet for lunch.. doesn't matter. But you have to tell him.<P>Actually... thinking about it more... no matter when you do tell him, more likely than not he'll tell you that he knew it was you all along (standard defense response). But you still have to tell him.<P>The point is.. you know now that he is having those thoughts, and unfortunately, he's acting upon them. It's a classic revenge affair situation (I'm in recovery with my H, and being a BS, I too have those thoughts).<P>I'm trying to think of what I would do in your situation, knowing what I know now. I'm having a tough time with that. I really don't know.<P>All I can think of, is for you and your H to fill out the questionnaires on this site... especially the emotional needs and the love busters ones. Find out what you aren't giving him... find out what it is that you do that withdraws from his love bank. Then change what you can about you. But remember.. you cannot change him, only yourself.<P>I hope this helps... and moreso, that someone can expand more clearly on the message I'm trying to convey.<P>Best of luck,<BR>Karen<BR>

<small>[ June 04, 2003, 09:35 PM: Message edited by: zorweb ]</small>

.<p>[This message has been edited by cheated (edited September 17, 2001).]

.<p>[This message has been edited by cheated (edited October 02, 2001).]