I cheated on my girlfriend (whom I live with) last October. I want to marry her, but couldn't ask her without telling her what I did - she asked me to leave for a few days while she thinks this over.<P>My questions - what can I do to prove my love for her is true? I want this to work out - I realize now (too late?) that she is the only woman in this world for me. It's been a day since I told her & spoke with her, respecting her wish for time to think.<P>How can I support her during this time? I feel like my mere presense causes her pain. I want to help her, but feel powerless to do so.

You did the right thing, she will see it. Take the emotional needs questionnaire to her (or send it) find out why you did this so it wont happen again.<BR>Good Luck

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sadprincess:<BR><B>You did the right thing, she will see it. Take the emotional needs questionnaire to her (or send it) find out why you did this so it wont happen again.<BR>Good Luck</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thank-you, sadprincess. Princess is one of my nicknames for her. I take it as a good sign that of all the people here, you've chosen to respond to my plea for help with encouraging words. Again, thank you.<BR>

I highly recommend you both read Dr. Harley's books--How to Survive an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. Although your unfaithfulness was a year ago, you have done the right thing to confess particularly before asking for a marriage committment. You need to work on whatever issues caused you to stumble and you will have to rebuild your trust with your GF.<P>Welcome to a wonderful place full of wisdom, wit and caring people.<P>Hope things work out postively for you. <P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

OH MAN! I'm sorry to say this, but it's almost as if you said, "Please marry me in spite of the fact that I cheated on you ALMOST A YEAR AGO AND KEPT IT A SECRET FOR ALL THIS TIME." Either way, she was going to hurt upon discovery, and personally I'm not sure you did her any favors by telling, especially if you have been faithful ever since? Plus because you waited for so long to confess, I think she is having to process it all and finding it very difficult. I say be silent, give her time and if she decides to say no, I wouldn't blame her. If she needs to ask questions, then there you go, be prepared to answer them and deal with more hurts--see, YOU opened up this can of worms... Please marry me now that you know I'm a cheater and a liar?! That is a HUGE question and a big risk for her to take.<P>I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, just giving it to you straight from my point of view, on the outside looking in. Obviously you love her NOW THAT YOU KNOW what you know. But why couldn't you have figured that out without cheating? Are you sorry for cheating or just sorry about the guilt for lying and hurting your girlfriend? I mean, are you sorry for her pain or just not being able to live with yourself? There is a big difference between the two.<P>If you are sorry for her pain, you would do whatever it takes to avoid causing any more pain. If you simply couldn't live with the guilt any more, your motivation is from guilt and not out of love for her--you know just to clear your conscience regardless of hurting her... Did that make any sense?<P>Hmmm... If your girlfriend were my daughter, I would advise her to move out of your place and postpone the wedding for at least 2 years so you could prove whether or not you can remain faithful before she ties the knot...<P>You didn't mention whether or not you have children, but I'm assuming you don't and I think it's better to uncover cheating before marriage as well as before kids enter the picture.<P>Good luck to you on proving yourself! You didn't mention how long you have been avoiding commitment and her pain may never completely disappear. Is there any chance OW could be pregnant?????? What if you guys got married and OW surfaces with a child support order? THEN WHAT???<P>[This message has been edited by BINthereDUNthat (edited September 25, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by BINthereDUNthat (edited September 25, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BINthereDUNthat:<BR><B>OH MAN! I'm sorry to say this, but it's almost as if you said, "Please marry me in spite of the fact that I cheated on you ALMOST A YEAR AGO AND KEPT IT A SECRET FOR ALL THIS TIME." Either way, she was going to hurt upon discovery, and personally I'm not sure you did her any favors by telling, especially if you have been faithful ever since? Plus because you waited for so long to confess, I think she is having to process it all and finding it very difficult. I say be silent, give her time and if she decides to say no, I wouldn't blame her. If she needs to ask questions, then there you go, be prepared to answer them and deal with more hurts--see, YOU opened up this can of worms... Please marry me now that you know I'm a cheater and a liar?! That is a HUGE question and a big risk for her to take.<P>I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, just giving it to you straight from my point of view, on the outside looking in. Obviously you love her NOW THAT YOU KNOW what you know. But why couldn't you have figured that out without cheating? Are you sorry for cheating or just sorry about the guilt for lying and hurting your girlfriend? I mean, are you sorry for her pain or just not being able to live with yourself? There is a big difference between the two.<P>If you are sorry for her pain, you would do whatever it takes to avoid causing any more pain. If you simply couldn't live with the guilt any more, your motivation is from guilt and not out of love for her--you know just to clear your conscience regardless of hurting her... Did that make any sense?<P>Hmmm... If your girlfriend were my daughter, I would advise her to move out of your place and postpone the wedding for at least 2 years so you could prove whether or not you can remain faithful before she ties the knot...<P>You didn't mention whether or not you have children, but I'm assuming you don't and I think it's better to uncover cheating before marriage as well as before kids enter the picture.<P>Good luck to you on proving yourself! You didn't mention how long you have been avoiding commitment and her pain may never completely disappear. Is there any chance OW could be pregnant?????? What if you guys got married and OW surfaces with a child support order? THEN WHAT???<P>[This message has been edited by BINthereDUNthat (edited September 25, 2001).]<P>[This message has been edited by BINthereDUNthat (edited September 25, 2001).]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>BINthereDUNthat,<P>You've brought up EXACTLY what's going through her mind right now. The pain I've caused her sickens me beyond what I ever thought was possible. I want to be her knight in shining armour, but how could I do that without admitting that I dis-honoured her? How could I decieve her, for the rest of her life? I cheated the one time (didn't sleep with the OW - so pregnancy is not an issue) & haven't since. Please understand that I know it doesn't make it less hurtful that I cheated once & didn't sleep with the OW. The issue here is trust. The trust that I lost. It wasn't love when I cheated, it was love when I told her I did.<P>

is anybody out there? i cant eat i cant sleep please help me - please - anybody -

Help for what ? BINthereDUNthat gives you the best advice and help. Take a look at your self in the mirror and be honest with your self and answer this from BINthereDUNthat:<P>"If you are sorry for her pain, you would do whatever it takes to avoid causing any more pain. If you simply couldn't live with the guilt any more, your motivation is from guilt and not out of love for her--you know just to clear your conscience regardless of hurting her... Did that make any sense? "<P>If you decide to let her know make sure you postpone your marriage proposal. Make sure that you could love this person with all of your heart.

BinthereDunThat raises a point. You have said yourself you can't let go of the guilt. There is no point walking into a M with a load of guilt. Things will crumble.<P>But you also need to forgive yourself. Perhaps you should end things. Separation may help her decide what is best for her. Your life would be complicated but you could focus on getting well and moving forward.<P>I'm not an expert by any means so please just take this as an opinion of a WS. <P>The main reason I wrote is because you asked if anyone was here. Yes, we are. Please keep writing about your thoughts and feelings. Keep in touch.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by The Insensitive Jerk:<BR><B>I want to be her knight in shining armour, but how could I do that without admitting that I dis-honoured her? How could I decieve her, for the rest of her life? I cheated the one time (didn't sleep with the OW - so pregnancy is not an issue) & haven't since. Please understand that I know it doesn't make it less hurtful that I cheated once & didn't sleep with the OW. The issue here is trust. The trust that I lost. It wasn't love when I cheated, it was love when I told her I did.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi there!<BR>I was sort of worried about you but got back here to check on you as soon as I could. Dear friend, I think you "dishonored her" when you first decided to shack up instead of marrying her from the gate. But that is neither here nor there and what's done is done...<P>Where do you go from here? I think that you just have to prove yourself to be trustworthy and the only way you can do that is take the time--that is--if she is willing to spend it.<P>Forgiveness isn't forgiveness if it has to be earned, but trust has to be earned. The only way to earn trust is establish new patterns.<P>You have been faithful to her for about a year now but it probably counts as nothing in her mind because she might feel like it was all a lie since you went out on her in the first place.<P>My heart goes out to you. The direction of your life regarding this relationship is completely in your girlfriend's hands. You're going to have to wait and see if she is willing to be with you, love & forgive you and start fresh with an honest, clean slate.<P>Looking back on the guys I dated who were cheaters, at least they were outright cheaters and I knew what I was getting into. I think it might be more devastating when you THINK you have a commitment and you don't...<P>Don't get me wrong, I am SO SORRY this is all happening to you! I definitely believe that you will make a MUCH better husband for it, whether it is with your girlfriend or not, time will tell...<BR>

Dear TIJ,<BR>I liked the answers posted here, but I have a slightly different viewpoint to add to the mix. Nothing for nothing, but has anyone considered that even though you were living together a year ago, you were doing so without the moral and legal commitment of marriage? Therefore, that more or less made each of you single people, single as in legally unattached. (I know this is going to draw a lot of flack, especially since it's from the usually level-headed Winny!, but....) <P>You know, this is one of the pitfalls of couples 'rearranging' the so called old fashioned way of dating/courtship/marriage. Somehow, the dating-engagement-marriage-living together thing got rearranged to dating-living together-engaged- and if the Gods are cooperative, married. There was a GOOD reason for the old way of doing things! There was a period of really getting to know one another and of getting to know ONES SELF, and of getting to know what might be or might not be what you wanted out of a relationship. When tht period (years ago it was called "courtship", in later times, "engagement") is skipped and BAM! people jump into living together as you two did, a whole slice of life was missing. You gave up the chance to pick and choose--to try out other relationships, or whatever you want to call it--prematurely, and this is the result. Perhaps people today think that just jumping into a living arrangement is equal to being married, but let me assure you, that just is NOT so. Marriage is much more than a promise, it is a choice of a way of life, one that should be made wisely and after much soul searching.<P>I'm very sorry for your and your GF's pain, but this is one thing the two of you are going to have to work out on your own. Personally, I think both of you should sit down and look at things as they really WERE back then. Had you truly been committed to each other your wedding rings would be a year old already. You were making a good try at it, but you were playing house (all of the "fun" of marriage and some of the work, but NONE of the truly legal committments of it).<P>Good luck to you and hugs,<BR>Winny

Great comments and insights, thank-you.<P>I spoke with her yesterday & she wants to try and work this out. She stresses that there are no guarantees, but she is willing to examine the whole thing & at least try. That is all I ever wanted.<P>She asked for details, which I provided. She raised an interesting question - how are we supposed to act during this healing/analysis? Any ideas? We were thinking that during the times we're not talking about it, we can talk about normal day to day things. Is this a good idea? Should I leave in order to give her space that she may not realize that she requires?<P>We may have moved in together too soon. In today's day & age, it makes a lot of sense economically, etc., but may not always be the best decision if both people are not truly ready for it.

TIJ,<BR> The best way for you to act now is however you feel, there will be bad days and good days.<BR>Encourage her to come here and post in recovery, we have all been through what she is feeling now and will help her.<BR>Get the book Torn Assunder by Carder it will help.<BR>You are human and made an awful mistake, it will take time to regain her trust. You need to be truthful about everything, even small stuff now, for a long long time.<BR>Good Luck

Sadprincess is right on. The important thing now is to honestly be yourself...no pretending or facades..<P>Sadly you cannot erase the pain. I know-I live with it every day. But you can move forward to new joys.<P>What exactly do you mean by not talking about it? When your g/f is ready, you need to answer her questions. IJ, they will feel like a kick in the gut (I know--it took H about 5 mos and then the questions and a few remarks left me reeling but all I could do was be honest, cry a little more and try to deposit more love units in H's lovebank) but she needs to hear your honesty whenever she is ready to ask.<P>Just please don't try to pretend it never happened. Find a balance. Will she go to counselling with you? It will help you tremendously.<P>Glad she will give it a chance.

Yes be honest even in the smallest detail. My H said I dont want to tell you things I know it will hurt you. I said you have cheated on me , what could you possibly tell me that could be worse? your a child molester????<BR>As crazy as it sounds when you give her honest details that SHE asks for it will make her feel safer not worse.<BR> I told my H it was like I was suddunly thrown into a cactus and for each truth he told me it pulled out a needle, as days went by more needles came to surface but fewer and if pulled out right away they didnt fester.<BR>Stupid but thats how I felt.<BR>Good Luck<BR>Find out WHY you did it for yourself and her.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by The Insensitive Jerk:<BR><B>I spoke with her yesterday & she wants to try and work this out. She stresses that there are no guarantees, but she is willing to examine the whole thing & at least try. That is all I ever wanted.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>*SIGH* What a relief, huh? I'm happy for you guys. You are very fortunate to have found MB early in your relationship. Read all the articles and Q&A's--very, very helpful and could even replace any counseling that you guys might think you needed.<P>I'm glad it's working out so far and BTW, I do NOT think that you are an "insensitive jerk"--it sounds to me as if you love your soon to be wife with all your heart! Congratulations!

Hi all,<P>"finding out why I did it for her & me"<P>This is the tough part. It's hard for me to figure out what the heck I was thinking & feeling back then (or maybe I'm just too scared to find out?). The first step we're taking is honestly going through what we need/want out of a relationship & seeing if there were some deficits back then.<P>Even if it is discovered that she was not providing something I needed, I'm sure it will be revealed that I didn't communicate that need to her. I never talk about what I feel. I simply was not raised that way. I've been to the hospital 3 times in my life - whopping cough @ 4 years old, broken hand, and broken tooth/cut above eye needing stitches. These are obvious things that need to be cured by professionals. You just don't complain or tell people what you need where I come from.<P>The bottom line is that I made the choice to cheat. It seems crazy that, after examining the situation, that we may be able to point to something like, "you weren't providing me with "x", so I cheated." <P>Whatever the reason may have been, it will never justify the act. Until the reason is identified, however, she will never believe (nor should she) that I won't do it again (even though I know in my heart of hearts I never will).<P>I took trust for granted. What a wonderful thing to have, what a terrible thing to lose.

It will come to you like a light bulb, not right away though. Keep exploring it you will get it. I think its right to look into family dynamics. Have you read Torn Assunder yet? He thinks it is familial tendency.<BR>Im glad she is working on forgiving you.<BR>Good Luck