We had a second counselling session today. It's about 6 weeks since D-Day and 2 weeks since he agreed to no contact.<P>He says he's finding it very difficult not to contact her. I don't know what is the best thing to do - how to act, react etc.<P>Do I just carry on doing my own thing - being nice and loving to him. So far I have been questionning him a lot (too much really). He says I shouldn't concentrate on the OW but on us and our future.<P>I have been trying to look after myself - enrolled on an evening class, going swimming, out with friends and have felt better for it.<P>He says he wants it to work but doesn't know if we can get over the hurdles in fromt of us.<P>Any advice/experiences would be very gratefully received.

Hi 2bhappy:<P>My d-day was 16july01 (or about 2 mo ago) and MY SECOND d-day was 31july01......<BR>Now every situation is different, but you wrote:<P>"He says he's finding it very difficult not to contact her." <BR>"He says he wants it to work but doesn't know if we can get over the hurdles in fromt of us."<P>Boy is this familiar....from 16july to 31july when I THOUGHT it was over...this could be verbatim what my H was saying to me. <P>I hired a detective to get the whole story....ergo second d-day on 31july when I got the first PI report....<P>now I know the A is over....because I have a third party objective observer, spy-software on the computer, and the phones tapped to proove it to me....for my type of personality this was the only way to go.<BR>Once I knew he was playing straight with me, we started counseling/MB/ and changed our schedules (was our big problem) and are actually doing pretty ok.....<P>Good luck....but I hope you realize that nothing they say is real unless you can proove it. Self preservation is key.<BR>LLL<P>

It does sound very similar.<P>D-Day for me was the 18 August and then again 2 weeks ago. Since the last time he has emailed ending all contact and says he hasn't had any but he's finding it difficult.<P>I'm finding it hard to concentrate on myself and get the motivation to do things. it's like I need him to say he's committed to working it out and then I can go forward, but he's not. He hasn't decided whether he wants this relationship or if there's something better out there!<BR>

2b - <BR>I wish you the best of luck.<BR>If it was me (and it was) I'd give him a time limit to figure all this out...I know a lot of people would disagree. <BR>For me - when I had the second D-day - my time limit was right that minute...he either had to take me and loose the other woman, or leave immediately...and I told him then and I MEAN IT...if I ever discover he's back with her/or someone else.....IT'S OVER. Because, man, yes I love him completely, I took my vows seriously, but this is MY ONLY LIFE...I don't get seconds...why waste any more time then necessary on someone who is going to treat me like s***? He got the chance to screw around and yet I took him back, then he was unable to be a man and continued it for two more weeks, and I took him back....I've been fair...now it's his turns.<BR>These are just my opinions....I just really really think that those of us in the betrayed position DESERVE a little kindness....and I'm demanding mine.<BR>LLL

Thanks<P>We sound very similar. I have done exactly the same to my H. The second time I found out he'd contacted her after telling me he wasn't, I asked him to leave. Then he decided for himself that HE wanted to end the contact rather than me demanding it.<P>He also knows that if he contacts her again, he will be gone.<P>BUT it's so hard to know that I would go through with it. I think I would because if i didn't my word would mean nothing in the future. Sometimes I think it would do him good to have a glimpse at the reality of living apart from me and the children.<P>He doesn't know if he's being silly and this is a blip or if there are serious issues with our relatinship that can't be put right.

I think it there's any love there at all the relationship can be fixed. Period. Our relationship was definitely not perfect...but it was WAY better than "his affair goggles" let him see. We are using this web site and a book called "relationship rescue" to work on the issues, I've changed my schedule, and we are doing "adult only" nights and some weekends....this seems to be helping a ton (for both of us) but you both have to be at the point where YOU WANT TO DO THIS.<BR>In the past few weeks I've watched my husband come fully around back to the guy I knew and with that his horrifying reaction to his own actions....even though I'm glad he's at this point...its so painful to watch my best friend and lover feel so horrible about himself...but I have to keep reminding myself that he played...now he must pay and I can only be here for him, reminding him again and again yes I do love him, yes I have forgiven him, yes he will have to forgive himself.....it makes me soooo sad for him, BUT, HE DID THIS TO HIMSELF (AND ME!!!!)....so: be a big boy, ya know?<BR>I think the knowledge that IF he does this again (with same person/other person/anyone) our marriage is over is also terrifying to me....but I simply WILL NOT BE one of those women who live with a cheating man.....I am worth SO MUCH MORE than that....ans so are you, 2b. I'll hate it - I'll hate every minute of it....but I'll do it, sure as you know what.<BR>LLL

Thanks for the support<P>I'm feeling pessimistic today. He said this morning that he was feeling more realistic but that he was dissatisfied with the relationship and had been previously (but only temporarily. Less than 2 years ago when I got pregnant he was certain we'd be together for ever.<P>Is this the fog that everyone talks about or should I face facts that he might go. He is very affectionate towards me (bought me flowers this week). Is this the guilt or is there something there I should hang on to.<P>I tried telling him that all marriages have some periods of dissatisfaction (this IS right yea?) for one or other of you.<P>I think I will check out the legalities, custody, money etc just in case.