Has anyone felt huge waves of anger sweep over them that seem to uncontrollable to control and then felt love for their partner. I am definately losing my mind. I don't know how so many of you can keep your cool, focus and not take things out on the WS. I am in awestruck. I am finding it impossible not to lash out at times at him and want him to feel the full impact of what he has done. I feel like I am splitting in half. Parts of me never want to see my WS(H) again and the other part of me wants to keep loving, forgiving him and move on for the sake of our family and kids. Then my mind tells me that once,twice and three times a betrayer he will do it again even with MB. I don't feel he is my H anymore after all he has made his choices to bond others. Obviously, the relationship is dead with the amount of affairs he has had to which he is strong denial about it. For example years ago I found out he was having an affair with someone for 6 months and worked, partied with her. He was at her apartment all the time and claims they never had sex. Does he think I am that stupid. How could they not have? Now I find out he has been emailing and seeing an old friend which he took her out for a drink and told me he was at a work function but later I learned that he took this OW out for a drink. The red flags and trail of his deceit have been quite long over the last few months. Yet, he didn't confess to this relationship I had to find out the hard way. It has been diffcult to uncover since his cell phone is from work which means no records and he only uses his work computer to communicate with her. With this recent OW addition,he has nothing but excuses, continually claims nothing happened, I noticed quite a bit of monies disappearing from our bank account. This outrages me further. I grieve that he has choosen to attack, our relationship, marriage,and family. The amount of pain which he has inflicted on me doesn't make me like trying anymore. I am trying to find all my reserves and forcing myself to be loving. This part bothers me about myself as I feel that I am seriously disturbed my self to tolerate this. He has been very patient,loving inspite of my outburst at him but we can't go on like this. I tell him that it was he that started this attack and assault on us and therefore he deserves what he get;s back dished right back. It''s so destructive on my part and I ache and also know that I am wrong to do this. I know, know revenge won't solve anything or help but only take deposits out. I can't belive the intensity of my anger over what he has done. Parts of me say let the LB go bankrupt as H has done a good job of destroying the relationship anyways. His affairs have blown my heart apart. Now I am expected to stand, take the high road of forgiveness, and repair the relationship. This to me is hard to swallow... <P>I know I should be posting my vents here instead of directing them at him but, but, he is the one that has hurt me, bruised, humilated, and deeply wounded me.
