Bluebird--Hi I'm new to this site and usually post on the general questions.. i happen to read your reply to Hurtbeyondbelief... I have a situation that I would like your opnion on when you have time....<P>My story is on other board but the jist of it is we both had A's...I'm trying to deal with this as best as can. right now I'm living at home (2000 miles away from him )We met on the internet in 99.. we got to talking because of both being divorced and beliefs, etc. same.. when we met things were even better in person.. Before he was divorced before he met a girl on IM and became friends with her.. at first this did not really bother me much because they were just friends.. then, still very earlier in our dating relationship (we saw each other every weekend at least) she would be on her computer, me on mine, and him on his and just say ridiculous things that I knew she was jealous of me..even told me that she used to talk dirty to him, etc.. I might add that he would talk to her on the phone quite a bit before me also..<P>When we got together for good contact with her was nonexistence on the phone and hardly at all on the net.. A month after our marriage he left for Kosovo for 6 months.. he was honest with me when he would talk to her.. and in fact she would talk to me, becoming my friend... at the same time she was talking to me my H would post what she was saying to him about "if your wife didn't know would u have sex with me" "if calif. was closer to you then Ok then me and you would be together" things to this nature.. yes, i would be a bit jealous her wanting to talk to my h all the time but I trusted him and knew nothing would come out of it.. he was honest when he told me he called her because of a sudden death of one of her friends and i was totally ok with it<P>before he left he was on the computer and tried to hide he was talking to her.. but he said it was so i would not get upset about it.. this we talked about and came to understanding on...<P>after we both had our A's he turned to her... he is the kind of person that told everyone what happened.. he has known her for many years.. I didnt like the fact it was her he was talking to about it but couldnt do anything about it.. the month after d-day i remember one night i went to where he was staying and everything was calm.. i kneew he was talking on internet with her.. i went to go get food and when came back was on phone with her.. then he was a total jerk.. i left.. <P>we moved to cali. to start a fresh life.. the whole time i was so excited and thought it could work but the back my mind i knew she was there and it would cause problems.. i was with him 2 months before i was told to come home.. he said because he doesn't want to be married and not in love with me.. the times we fought were blow out fights that started with my jealousy because he would be on here with her late night and then call her.. <P>she talked to me one night on phone and assured me that she understood where i was coming from but she has no feelings for him and that she wouldn't come in between us like that.. i was ok about it.. but then the next weekend it was like all over again..<P>i really don't think my H would be with her in relationship, but I feel that he is in an EA with her.. who knows if it will be physical but I know it won't last-she's younger and hasn't "lived life" so to say..<P>i guess what i want some feedback on is "is this an EA or is it really just a friendship?" I've talked with her since then when he didn't know i was talking to her and she seemed upset at the fact that he has not told her everything about what has been going on with other issues other than the A's.. she knows all about the A's and his feelings...when we were tyring to get back together he said that i would have to take off all my old friends contacts and he said he would do the same.. (the next night is when i went to get food)<P>Right now i'm struggling with the fact that he doesn't want to be married and as I said i'm giving him his space.. I feel though that if we are able to get together again that she will continue to cause problems.. she has said she would give up her friendship but then i feel that he will resent me... what are your feelings??<P>sorry this is long but I just really started thinking about when people say EA and wondering if I'm going overboard?!

My response to you is going to be the same as my response to Hurtbeyondbelief: Yes, this is infidelity. Would he say the things he says to her right in front of you? Of course not, he does it all in secrecy and then gives you the lame excuse about how he doesn't want you to hear those things becasue they will hurt you. Like being lied to and cheated on doesn't hurt!?<P>There is no room for other people in a marriage. Period. End of discussion. The chatting, viewing porn, talking with people in NetMeeting, viewing webcams, phone sex, e-mailing other men/women....it's all cheating, even if they aren't meeting in real life. You're cheated of love, passion, time with him. Efforts that should be spent on building a relationship with you is being spent on someone else.<P>I don't know why we keep doing it.<P>Bluebird

Thanks Bluebird.. I know that was a redundent question but I appreciate you taking time to answer for me.. I guess hearing from someone else kinda 'validates' it for me.. thanks again

patiently confused,<BR>i find that often i, as well as others, tend to take out my own mistakes and insecurities on outsiders. no one can tell you how to feel but i cant help but thinking that may be the case in your situation. its normal to feel hurt or angry toward someone you consider an instigator but try to keep your problems between you and your H. i know in my case, i too wanted to point fingers. blaming others helped to take some pressure off of me but only hurt in the long run. it was a slap in my face to realize that i had been consentrating too much on feeling bitterness towards someone outside of my relationship and totally ignored the fact that the brunt of the blame really centered partially on my H, but mostly on me. by that time i had blown things way out of proportion and by blaming, i ended up looking like a fool to everyone, expecially the man i wanted to keep. im not saying this is the case in your situation, but i do not want you to make my same mistakes. if your H and this OW are having an EA than maybe you should ask yourself why. why did he turn to someone else for emotional comfort. i found that asking myself this question and really looking at the whole picture made me realize some of what i lacked to give to my H in my relationship and showed me some of my H's downfalls as well. i think any one in your situation would react as you did and feel the same way you do about this old internet friend, but remember to take charge of your own destiny and realize that this girl is not in control. you control your actions and you controlled what you did in the past. try to focuss on you and your H right now. show him that this girl isnt getting to you and that you can consentrate on you two and you two alone. i think that more than anything will show him that you really want to work on making things right.