Hi Everyone. I have been lurking on these boards for a few weeks now but finally decided to register and post. I'm not even sure where to begin and I appoligize now as I feel this may get a little long.<P>I met my H when he was 25 and I was 16. We have been together ever since and married for almost 7 yrs now. We have 2 sons ages 7 and 11 months. I thought we were getting better as the yrs went on but found out that my husband has supposidly been unhappy for many yrs now. He has always worked jobs that keep him from home. He has been working with this job for about 20 months now. He is out of town Mon - Fri and home on weekends. <P>Anyways, about 6 weeks ago he started acting REALLY strange, more than usual. He started fights with me that whole week about going to his friends house that Sat night. I never said anything about it til he kept on and looked suspicious. He even threatened twice to move up there. He goes to his frinds Sat night and I figure good, he'll come home and we can get back to normal here. I called at 11:30 that night to ask him a question about the pc. He was drunk and passed out, woke up and said he wasn't coming home. I was so mad that he hadnt called or anything. I end up telling him that if he doesn't come home that night then he could pack his stuff and stay there. Thought again that he would come home the next day and we would work it out. He walks thru the door about noon and starts packing. I was floored. I couldn't believe it. I was mad, scared, hurt and so on. I LBd big time and told him that I hated him for ruining my life and my kids lives. Ouch. I totally didn't mean it. He says later that he could see it in my eyes, could feel it. But I didn't. He left and I waited for him to sign on his laptop Mon night after work. I was talking to the wife of one of the guys he works with. I eventually called his cell phone and talked to him. He said he wasn't coming back home. I begged and by the end of the week he did come home about 1 am Sat morn. He was so emotionless. He ended up leaving the next day to stay at his friends. He does this for a few weekends. 1 1/2 weeks after he left he told me he had "feelings" for this other mans wife. I couldn't believe what was happening. After cooling off I told him that we could work it out. He wouldn't budge. He eventually calls on his way in on a Fri night and asks if he can move back in to see if there were any feelings for me. That Sun he tells me he is in love with this OW. She has no clue. So I call her and tell her. She gets on the phone with him and tells him that she only thinks of him as a friend. He says it doesn't change how he feels. Says they had an "emotional connection" while she was trying to talk to him and help me get him home. Says they are a lot alike.<P>Wow this has gotten pretty long, now onto the point. He moved back out this past Sun saying he wanted to seperate. I told him that I didn't want to talk to him or see him for awhile. Said I needed some time to get rid of some of this anger as well as begin to heal some of the hurt for myself. We only communicate thru e-mail and only about bills altho today I did send him an email letting him know I was still here for him. No one, family or friends, can believe this. This is NOT my husband. I don't know what happened. I have learned a lot from this board as to what I have done wrong and what I can do to fix it as well as fixing myself. I am feeling better as a person and told my H that if he didn't want to share my life when I was being a better person that it was his lost, not mine. I will get even better! He never gave me a real chance to Plan A him except a few times on the phone and a few hrs in person. Am I fighting a losing battle here? I want my marriage. Should I just leave him alone with his thoughts or try to keep contact with him? He continues to talk to this other wife. She calls his cellphone looking for her husband and he will call her just to talk. But she still calls me as we were supposidly friends. She doesn't say much about it and I am scared she might take this as her chance to get out of a bad marriage in which her husband beats her and so on. <P>I am so scared that he is never coming home again. I guess I just needed to let some of that out. I have been talking to my dad, step mom and a friend but I know they have got to be sick of hearing about it. This has completly taken over my life. I just want my life back. <P>He has said so many hurtful things lately and I just don't know how I will ever be able to get past that. Thanks so much for listening. Altho I cry for myself and everyone here, it is still nice to know that I am not alone in this.

smkr2, thanks for posting.<P>Have you read the books and the posts--there is a package for Newbies on one of the forums.<P>Honey, HE is LBing you. You don't have to defend yourself to us because there are tons of BSs who feel your pain. (A BS is a betrayed spouse-WS is Wayward spouse which is what I was)<P>I have a theory that for those of who become unfaithful we allow a certain kind of mental illness to take over our brain and make us totally insensitive to our families. I cannot believe some things I thought during my A now that I am in recovery.<P>I am "bumping" your post in hopes that more friends will come with their points of view. We are here to help you.<P>I think you can certainly still Plan A. You wisely realize if it's not already an A, it's headed that way. <P>Can I tell you something strange? A friend of ours (back in the days when I thought this would never happen to us) told us how what he really wanted during his first A was for his wife to scream and cajole and plead. I don't think that's nice for one's ego but when it happened to me, I did try to get my husband to rescue me..I reached out without confessing and he had no idea how trapped I felt. It doesn't sound exactly like this in your case but it may be something worth considering.<P>Right now, you need to gather a circle of supportive women friends who will let you talk things out (they must be trustworthy as the last thing you want is gossip getting back to him), let them help you with the kids and meals and housework. Be easy on yourself as much as possible and give yourself some loving treatment. You are going through a horrible crisis. You don't have control over it but you can control a bit of it by self-care.<P>I know more will come with their experience. I cannot address Plan A very well but many here can.<P>All the best to you.<P>Hugs,<P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

Hi, freshstart, thank you so much for responding.<P>I haven't read any of the books yet but have been completely absorbed in the posts here lately. I have learned so much lately about what a good marriage should be like. I REALLY want that with my husband.<P>I had a PA several yrs ago with an ex-boyfriend that I told him about right after it happened. Altho it did leave me feeling a lot like he is right now. So I kinda understand where he is at right now. I think maybe thats one of the scariest parts, I KNOW how confused he is. Just wish he would let me be there to help him instead of shutting me out completely.<P>I totally begged and pleaded with him the first few weeks to give me, our marriage and our family a chance. But I got so exhausted and couldn't take anymore refusals from him. He just keeps saying how he needs time and that he doesn't know anything right now except what his heart feels. Says he loves me (told 7 yr old he loves me but not the same way) but isn't IN love with me. But he is IN love with this OW.<P>I have one really good female friend from way back when I was in school. We talk a few times a week. She has been great as far as letting me just spill it all out. I am just the type of person that feels like a burden when I lay my problems on other people. And this is such a biggie. <P>I understand that in Plan A I am supposed to improve me and show him that I can meet his ENs. But how can I do that? His number 1 EN is affection but he says he isn't comfortable with that right now coz he feels guilty like he is leading me on. His number 2 is Recreational Companionship. We had planned to "go out" last Sat night but he backed out on me last Thursday night. So I feel like my hands are tied until he decides for himself to come home and give it a shot. I just feel so helpless and confused as to what I do next. Guess that just comes with the territory. I am open to ANY advise or words of wisdom that anyone has. Thanks you so much<BR>