I just found this forum yesterday and it looks like a great place to express my feelings and concerns and hopefully get some good advice. This first post will probably be a long one.<P>My wife and I have been married 9 years and have been dating for 8 years for a total of 17 years together. We were high school sweethearts. We just had a healthy baby boy 3 months ago.<P>6 weeks ago I found out my W has been having an A. I found out by finding e-mails. One night I confronted her and told her I knew she was having an A. She admittedly denied it a first but finally confessed. I asked her what she wanted to do. She said she has not been happy the last couple of years and wanted out of our marriage. She keeps saying “It’s too far gone” but will not elaborate on this. I asked her to give our marriage a chance since we have never really had any bumps in the road prior to this. She eventually agreed to give it a chance. Prior to this event I really never expressed much feelings and affection to my W in an open matter. When I found out about the A I was smacked with a reality check and realized how much I really do love my W and do not want to lose her. I have turned 180 degrees. I have been telling her and sending her e-mails and flowers everyday telling her how much I love her and care for her. Now she says she does not believe the “new me” because I never did these things in the past. I just want my W to realize how much I care for her. It’s not an act! Anyway, 2 weeks ago I found out she was still involved with this guy after many times she told me it was over with him. Since I confronted her 2 weeks ago she has hardly said two words to me and has giving me the cold shoulder and has been staying at her moms. We have been taking turns at seeing our son every other day. How could she have an A while she was pregnant and then want to give up on our marriage when we have a 3-month-old son? I cannot understand this at all! It’s getting harder everyday to give 100% to a relationship when only one of us is participating. I thought the month we were “trying” was going really well. Since then she has talked to a lawyer about a divorce but has not filed anything. Yesterday she sent me an e-mail saying she has been doing a lot of thinking and says she wants to come back home because the house and our son is both of ours and she should not be away until everything is finalized. This has me totally confused! If she’s that unhappy and does not want to be with me why would she want to come home and be miserable? Why doesn’t she file the divorce papers and get if over? I feel I’m getting mixed signals even though verbally she says it’s over. Maybe it’s the hope inside me that we will still get back together. I guess I never knew I cared for her this much until she hurt me this bad.<P>Any advise or support would be greatly appreciated.<P>Trying to save my marriage single handedly.<P>HeartBrokenHusband<P>

Welcome <B>HeartBrokenHusband</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A><P>One thing new Plan A-ers seem to miss!<P>Neither Plan A, nor Plan B are going to guarantee "saving your marriage"...<BR>...they are there to rebuild your own life first...<BR>...and if your spouse has the will power... for you to be ready for their return!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A><p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited September 29, 2001).]

Welcome,<BR> You are in the right place.Dont try to figure out what she is thinking - she doesnt even know.<BR>Read about the "fog" <BR>Read about planA<BR>Print out "how affairs start" read it and if you dont think it would offend her let her read it.<BR>Come here when you get tired, its a long journey, but you are not alone.<BR>Tell her 50% of marriages are affected by affairs, she is not a bad person, she made a wrong choice.<BR>It will take a long time for her to believe you have changed,keep up the good work!

Thanks for the quick responses and support.<P>My W called last night and said she wanted to come back and stay as I stated in my first post. I told her about some concerns I had and told her I love for her to be here. She said she would be over in an hour or so. An hour later she called and said she changed her mind and was not going to do it. When she called she asked what I was so happy about. I was happy about the fact she was at least going to be staying with me. At least if she’s here with me I can try and show her how much I care about her. When she told me she changed her mind I went from being happy to plan miserable and then had a couple outbursts. I know the outbursts are not good. This morning she came and got our son since it’s what we agreed upon. I asked her to stay and spent the week and she said no. I also asked her not to file the divorce papers and she said she was not listening to me.<P>How do I continue to keep trying when there’s so much rejection? She will not go to a counselor. We went one time and she will not go back. I do want to save our marriage but it keeps getting harder every day to keep putting in the effort.<P>HeartBrokenHusband

HBH,<BR>Just to quote you <BR>"It’s getting harder everyday to give 100% to a relationship when only one of us is participating."<P>I hear ya there, but as many others in here have tried to explain to me, STICK WITH IT.<P>You also mentioned<BR>"She will not go to a counselor. We went one time and she will not go back."<P>Good work! You got her to go once! Keep working on her. At least she knows that you want to save what you have. She may not understand it yet because of the fog, but she KNOWS.<P>Keep working on her, and to quote a famous MB Member "Do start Plan A"<P>We're all here for you<P>Pops

Pops,<BR>I have read some of your post and it seems like we are both in a similar situation. Thanks for you support. I hope everything works out for you. I feel your pain and hurt.<P>Well, she dropped off our son this morning and I asked her what was going to happen with us. She said she was going to file for a divorce today. I asked her not to do it until she gives us a chance but I’ll have to wait and see what she does. She has been holding this over my head for a week now. She makes me feel like I’m the one that has done wrong. It makes it extremely hard to say anything positive when she tells me this.<P>If she does file for a divorce do I just throw in the towel and give up or is there any hope once the paper work is started to reconcile? Right now I’m living from day to day on hope that we can work things out.<P>Feeling more and more like just giving up everyday. It’s truly not what I want but how long can I continue when she keeps saying she wants a divorce?<P>HeartBrokenHusband<BR>

Hi there,<P>I just want to reinforce what others have said to you...she doesn't know what she's doing right now, and even filing for divorce is not an action that she is undertaking with any real sense of what that means.<P>What do you do? Read everything you can here, and Plan A all the way. Find out or realise what bugs her, and stop doing it. Find out what she likes and do lots of that! And bear in mind, some of the things she USED to like won't work now. It's a process of trial and error.<P>Look after your child and look after you. And when you see her, Plan A.<P>That's what you do.<P>And keep posting here, and telling us your concerns, and your hopes and the rotten things you want to say to her, but won't because it is LB'ing. Keep control, and remember, she is in the fog.<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

HBH,<P>One thing I would recommend is to check on the paternity of your child. It seems to me very surprising that she would want a divorce just 3 months after giving birth. Now it could be post-partum (sp) depression, but I suspect there is more. <P>So make sure of one thing, that the child is indeed yours. Next, make sure that legally your rights and everything is protected. GO SEE A LAWYER yourself and not her lawyer.<P>Next, go get a book entitled "Surviving an Affair" by Harley, it will help you understand what may be going on.<P>This is a long way from being over, but protect yourself legally, and give your all emotionally. Now is the time to do everything you can, but you will not be very effective if you don't have a plan. I would recommend you give one of the Harley's a call and get a plan put together that you can work with.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

HBH<BR>I would have to agree with the others here. You are the only one seeing clearly in this fog. You said "She has been holding this over my head for a week now. She makes me feel like I’m the one that has done wrong." It sounds like she can't make up her mind either, and that's because she is not seeing clearly. Let her threaten the big D, but through all of her threats, be sure you are still Plan A'ing.<P>The paternity thing is a good idea, but I wouldn't do it with her knowledge. At least not right now. You are in a very delicate stage right now. She is feeling some fear also, and you have to understand that by letting her know that you don't trust her could make matters worse. If you decide to go through with the paternity thing, be sure to keep from LBing along the way and continue to Plan A even if the results are not in your favor.<P>Hang in there bud, it's tough, but it only gets harder. If you haven't read my post a while back, my dad used to tell me when I got hurt "That which doesn't kill ya, only makes ya stronger." You ain't dead yet...so matters of the heart can only be easier to deal with from this point on.<P>Pops<BR>

Thanks JL and Pops for sharing more information with me. It feels good that people are willing to put advise on the table and that others can relate to what’s happening.<P>I have already talked to a lawyer about my situation. I have also has a paternity test done with my wife knowing. I’m waiting for the results any day. I was hoping they would be in the mail today but no such luck. My W says he’s definitely mine. I do believe her but there is always that little voice in the back of my head questioning it. The test will just validate it and put that part of my mind to ease.<P>She picked our son up from the sitters and dropped him off at my house. It’s my night to watch him. Anyway, she said she filed the divorce papers today. We talked about who should get what and how we are going to deal with our son. I think we decided I will get him 3 nights a week and every other weekend and she will get him 2 nights a week and every other weekend. When we started to talk about holidays I was starting to have a hard time dealing with everything. I cannot imagine not seeing my son whenever I want. It’s like she has given me the best gift anyone could and then decides to take part of it back. I’m willing to do anything to save our marriage and to give our son a chance at a “normal” life. I’m sorry if saying “normal life” offends anyone. I tried to be as positive as possible. I question if she’ll ever see the light before it’s too late. I will continue to try and save my marriage until I have to sign on the dotted line.<P>HeartBrokenHusband<BR>

HBH,<P>Don't feel sorry for saying "normal life". I think that's what everyone wants. I do. I'm in the same boat. I have two small kids who I can't even imagine not seeing them on a everyday basis. The holidays are coming and it's going to be a long few months.<P>Good luck and God Bless<P>Dino

Wow sorry to hear your pain. I can so relate as my H had an A with a single coworker and announced he was leaving me for her on Valentines day. I stayed in plan A for the next few months while he moved out then back in then he filed for divorce on me then suddenly WOKE UP and came to his senses. We have been married 15 yrs 3 kids never too much problems before this. He was insistent that he wanted a divorce though I did my best to prevent it. I found out he moved back in after being out of the house for 2 mo because it affected his chances of getting custody. So he slept on the couch. After he filed on me the guilt and confusion finally crashed around him and he went to counseling that night with me and told the counselor that OW had pressured him to do it. We have been in counseling ever since this time which was last April. dont burn any bridges with your W yet she may come to her senses I hope. My H too said my changes during plan A were designed to mix him up- he wondered if they would last.My advice to you is to read Emily Browns books on affairs she understands emotional affairs really well. Also Surviving an Affair is excellent. lifeismessy

Thanks for the support.<P>I kind of made a mistake today. I sent my W a fairly nasty e-mail. Most of the content probably made her feel extremely guilty. At least that was my intent when I was writing it. I know this is not a good step forward to try and work things out but I was frustrated with an e-mail she sent me. I even thought about it for an hour before I sent it. At the end of the e-mail I told her I know this probably put the final nail in the coffin if it hasn’t already been there. That was how I was feeling at the time and went with it. Now I feel like I screwed up.<P>At times it feels like I should give in and give up and quit wasting my energy. I see no progress what so ever. It’s hard to just to give up when I care about her so much. I keep hoping everyday that she will wake up and see the light. Trying to keep the hope alive!<P>Thanks for listening.<P>HeartBrokenHusband<BR>

Nobody can plan-A all the time!One LB doesnt spoil it all.<BR>If you learn nothing else from this you will know patience IS a virtue!<BR>GoodLuck we are all pulling for you.

I finally got my paternity test back. Great news! He’s mine! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]<P>I can finally put that part of my mind to rest. I just wish I could spend more time with him. He’s just 3 1/2 months old and is changing so fast. Right now we both agreed to have him every other night. I keep getting hung up on how could my W have an A while she was pregnant with our son and now she doesn’t ever want to give our marriage a chance. This is our first child. This blows my mind every time I think about it, which is probably a hundred times a day.<P>My W has been staying at her moms for about the last 3 weeks and says she has filed the divorce papers 2 weeks ago but I still have not heard anything from her attorney. Since she told me she filed I have not brought it up. I figure what’s the use. It’s to the point now that we hardly say 2 words to each other when she picks our son up. She comes in and picks a few things up that she needs and says hi to the dogs and leaves. It aggravates me that she treats the dogs better than me. I still have hope that someday soon we will get back together to work on rebuilding our marriage for us and for our son. As the days pass I don’t think it will ever happen which I hope I’m wrong. I’m loosing the energy to keep fighting for someone that definitely does not appear she wants to be with me. How does one go from loving you for approx. 17 years and then getting pregnant and having your child to hating you over night? I just don’t understand. I guess that’s why I’m here. I don’t know if she is still seeing the OM but I assume she is. I stopped asking. Why else would she not want to at least try and work on our marriage with a 3 1/2 month old baby involved? At times I feel like I just need to get on with my life without her. She’s the one that betrayed me! Why should I continue to fight? Deep down I still care for her and love her dearly.<P>I asked my W if I could take our son on a trip for a couple days and she agreed that I could. I think the time away with my son will do me some good. At least I hope so.<P>Living from hour to hour to day to day!<BR>HeartBrokenHusband

HBH,<BR>I can't believe the similarities in our situations here! Of course my W and I are still living together, but the lack of communication is still the same.<P>I've thought about disconnecting her computer or messing it up bad enough that she can't get on line for a little while. That might give her a chance to share her feelings with me instead of all her virtual friends. <P>It's too bad you couldn't just "unplug" the OM in your situation also. Maybe a trip with your son is just what YOU need right now. Perhaps some time away from her son would thin the fog a little for her also? Who knows? But, if you are planning it and have the go ahead - DO IT!<P>I know that it doesn't postively re-enforce anything here, but I feel the same way as you do. It takes a lot of energy to show someone so disrespectful to your feelings how much you love them! I'm drained myself and have the towel in hand - waving it furiously in the air - ready to throw it in the ring!<P>Hang in there and enjoy your trip!<P>Pops