Everyone,<P>I haven't been to the boards for a while because I'm trying to figure out a lot of things myself. Things on my end seem to go bad to worse to bad again. W and I have been doing a lot of talking. Right now M is on shaky ground, W says it is a 50/50 chance of making it, but we are both willing to give it a shot.<P>I don't know if this will help anybody but I thought I would share with you what I have found. First, I'm a lot more messed up than I thought. When I found out about the A I figured that is was all W's fault and all I had to do was Plan A, or maybe Plan B, and things would get better. Wrong answer. I have realized that W got into the A because she was unhappy of the way I treated her all these years, and its true. I have made some big mistakes with her and the family. A lot of things have been made aware to me lately (I believe it is Gods will) that I don't like to see. I think I am seeing myself for the first time as everyone else does, and it isn't pretty. I'm not taking responsibility for the A, but definetly for treating W so bad all these years.<P>Second, the only way I am going to make things work with W and me is to work on me first, then us. There is no way that a relationship is going to work if one of the people has problems. We are in counseling now, by ourselves and together. I am also going to some local church support groups that deal with mens issues and unfaithful spouses. I also went to the doctor and got a check-up, turns out things were wrong physically too so I am taking medication to cure that. I realize that I can't do this by myself and the more personal support I get from people who understand, the better.<P>Third, at least for me, there are a lot more issues than the A that have to be worked out. I am at the point where the A isn't an issue anymore and I don't even bring it up. There are a lot more problems in the M that need to be worked on. I want to concentrate on those right now and if the A becomes a problem later on, we will deal with it then.<P>The A is over for W and OM-SOB. They still talk occasionaly by phone but that is it. OM is trying to work things out with his W as well. W has told me that she will always love him, I know that I probably can't change that and will have to live with it. I also know that I will never get W back with objects and more attention. I will have to win her back by changing my behavior towards a lot of things and that's a hard thing to do, but I'm going to do it.<P>That's it for now, take care everyone.

[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]!!!WOW!!!!! hats off to you.<P>One of the hardest things in life is self examination. The Reality check you are doing deserves big applause.<P>I look at your letter and wonder how many of us out here are stong enough to try and do what you are doing.<P>Congradulations to you and nothing but good wishes.<P>Kat

LHS,<BR> wow, thats clarity. Sounds perfect.<BR> Just one thing -- she wont "always love him" my WS said same things, now he says "what was I thinkin" <BR>Your continued honest changes will shine through.

loveherstill,<BR> Bravo .... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] not many man will say what you just describe. Good self-refection and first step is admitting then work on it. Fill in all of her EN you have a huge advantage on your side, W has more time w/ you than OM. sadprincess is correct, once the fog lift up it is human nature to look for happiness, you will be there to enjoy it with her. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <P>Hadi

Last night was a breakthrough. W had been gnawing on what happened for a long time and things finally clicked for her. The fog was lifted and she saw what he had done to her and how he used her like a cheap barfly. She is extremely angry at him now for what he did (poor SOB, he should have asked me what she is like when she gets mad, he would have had second thoughts about messing with her) and hating herself for allowing to be used like that. It hurts me to see her like this, but I know that this is a big step towards recovery. Now the healing can begin for her, myself and us.<P>Something I realized myself last night also, I can not be her husband right now, I can only be her best friend. She feels used and unlovable right now and I have to keep my distance, if I smother her with to much 'husband' attention it will only make it worse. All I can be is her friend, talk and listen when she wants to and keep my mouth shut at all other times and just let her know that I will always be there for her, no matter what.<P>I'm feeling really good about what is happening right now (like this is something to feel good about, lol). The M is not out of the woods yet, and we both have a long, rocky road towards recovery, but I vowed to stay with her at all costs and I plan on doing just that.<P>Its kinda funny, I really never thought of myself as her best friend, only as her husband. I like being her best friend, we are connecting on a level that I never thought possible. I didn't think I had it in me to just sit there and listen to all the details, especially as a husband, but as a friend, I actually like it.<P>Just a little update, I don't know if what I have said these last couple of posts will help anyone, but then again, maybe they will.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by loveherstill:<BR><STRONG>Just a little update, I don't know if what I have said these last couple of posts will help anyone, but then again, maybe they will.</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>any posts will help everyone ... I am addicted to this forum to find comfort, care and freindship. Any good news is up lifting my mental health. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]<P>Hadi

lhs,<P><BR>You're kickin A**. Keep up the good work.<P>who

Loverherstill,<BR>Hi I'm Pretty [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] doesn't that sound funny? my H calls me by that name thats why I used it. Well if I didn't know better I would think you are my H. I am WS he is BS. I just wanted to tell you that (from my experience) when the fog lifted for me I felt like your W, dirty, used, disgussted with my self and very angry at OM. I also thought that I would always love OM, not true, remember she has had her eyes opened and sooner or later her emotional ties to him will break [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Also the next step after tht for me was I started to hate myself, that was hard on me and H. The only way I got over that was I had to forgive myself that was one of the hardest things I had to do. Just keep being there for W, your right about not smothering her, My H did smother me and it pushed me back a bit. It is great that you are doing all this self exam. now your wife will be taking that step (ouch)<BR>I am here if you have questions K?<BR>good luck<BR>Pretty

LHS,<BR> Your doing perfect. Dont be dismayed but my WS fog didnt lift all at once, it lifted then came back, lifted , came back.<BR> Dont be blindsided by anger which may come soon on both sides.<BR> It will be hard to get her through withdrawel but she will know your "friendship" (love) is unconditional.<BR>Keep up the good work.

We had our first counseling sessions yesterday, both individual. W called me after her session and really unloaded on me, said everything was my fault and gave me the run down on how miserable she has been during our entire marriage. I heard a lot of angry, hateful things from her, even told me that I will probably have to move out soon. I know I haven't been the best husband or father and I have done a lot of things to W to make her feel bad, but she did manage to stick it out all these years. That has to account for something, right? She even said that she will make a decision in a month if she wants to remain in the marriage or not, but until then, she won't go to counseling anymore by herself, just me and us together.<P>Maybe the true feelings are starting to come through and she is angry and doesn't know where to direct it. Last night I finally broke down and tried to explain to her how sorry I was for all I have done and how committed I am to making the M work out. I got the same thing again from her, she told me all I was doing was pushing her into making a decision. But one good thing, she did tell me that she was through with OM and told him she couldn't ever talk or see him again (not sure if I should believe it though)<P>I guess I'm on the downside of the roller coaster ride again, thought things were going real good last weekend. Now I am not so sure, I think I am beginning to accept the fact that things may not work out after all. If anyone has some advice for me, it would be greatly appreciated. I'm really confused now and don't know which way to go.<P>Thanks for listening.

Pretty,<BR>You are right, I have been blindsided by the anger I am experiencing. I feel like it is all being directed at me, that I am the one being punished for all of this, that I am the one who allowed the A to happen. Like I have said before, I have done a lot of things to the M that I am not proud of and I see it all now. I take full responsibility for that, but I haven't heard W say once that she is sorry for the A, only that she is sorry for hurting me. I feel that she is more upset that I found out about A than the fact that it happened.<P>I guess I am asking you (from your point of view since you were on W's side of the situation) is if you went through the same kind of things and what else I might expect from W. The ultamatium that she put on me and her unwillingness to seek counseling until then really hurts me. I feel like the decision has already been made by her and I have no say in the decision and that anything I do from here on out is just a waste of time.

lhs,<P>Keep your head up. You are handling this well. Let her throw a fit. She's not ready to face what she's done. It's easier for her right now. In time, she should be able to handle the situation. Remember those times that you felt your emotions out of control? That's what's happening with her right now. Stick in there for the 30 days. I know it's hard but it's only 30 days of your life. If you can do it then weigh it again then.<P><BR>Keep your head up and keep listening. <P><BR>who

Last night W and I came to some understandings about how we might get through this. I am going to move out for a while to give us both some breathing room. Right now I am such a basket case I can't give her any support and she can't think when I am like this. The tension is just too much right now for either one of us to be productive. We both need time by ourselves to try and work things out. W has broken off all contact with OM and now needs time to think without me being around to remind her of what happened. We have decided on a week, but most probably at least two, and then see what happens from there. She still wants me to be home every other day for dinner and on the weekends for a while to spend time with the kids so I'm guessing that is a good sign.<P>W did tell me that she is just trying to figure out what it is that will make her happy. She has been unhappy in our marriage for a long time and then the A made her feel even worse. She also said that maybe time apart will make us appreciate all that we do for each other and how much we really want to be together. She doesn't want to be a single mother and also doesn't want to try and find another husband. I told her that all men are jerks so you might as well keep the one you have, at least you know what kind of jerk he is.<P>This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. I don't want to leave, but am willing to do anything to make M work. I think I also need time alone to think things through. I already know that I am in M for the long haul, but I do need time alone to reflect on what I have done and how I am going to change. Right now I am up and down all day. Part of me says that I should accept the fact that it is over and another part tells me that there is still a lot of hope left.<P>I just pray that the kids are ok with this decision and that this will be a new beginning and not the beginning of the end.

"I just pray that the kids are ok with this decision and that this will be a new beginning and not the beginning of the end."<P>lhs, <P>Yes, this is going to be one of those tricky times on the roller coaster. KIDS need to be your focus for the next couple of weeks. Dive into your kids. They will save you right now.<P>good luck,<P><BR>who