What do you think defines"controlling behavior"? My W said I was controlling,but it seems like that is a two-way street in any marriage.If I asked her to call me if she was going to be out late with her friends,or if I asked her if she could wear something nice over to my folks,she thought I was"controlling".But she told me when I needed to get a haircut,or informed me that she had planned for us to go over to her family,without even asking if I had any plans for the day.It seems to me that anytime you ask something of your spouse,you could be defined as"controlling".If I asked her not to yell at me,is that controlling?If she tells me to take out the garbage,or run up to the store,is that controlling?She felt I was trying to change her,but I felt she was trying to change me.How do you draw the line on what is really"controlling behavior"in a marriage? --Murph

I am struggling with this same issue. My wife accuses me of controlling her. Sometimes it makes me just want to give up trying. I feel like I am in a "damn if I do and damned if I don't" situation. She tells me that one of my problems is never telling her what my feelings are. So when I try and tell her, I come across as controlling. It must having something to do with how I communicate with her. The hard part is trying to figure this out. I also wonder if part of her accusing me of being controlling is a way to justify her affair. Anyway not sure this helped, but good luck.

Alright Guys! I have a web page that may just be your answer. <A HREF="http://www.drirene.com." TARGET=_blank>www.drirene.com.</A> <P>I found this site about a week ago and have been reading and reading and rereading this weekend. Maybe you will be as enlightened as I have been by what is stated in the pages. If you are the abuser or the victim this site may help you understand things a little better.<P>I am not sure of Dr. Irenes credentials etc... but what she/others say on there sure explained things to me, concerning my situation.<P>As my pastors wife told me last night. Knowledge is power. So I hope you can take time to find this site and maybe this will help.<P>God Bless<BR>Overcomer

I think the "controlling" accusation is just another way to justify the affair. Everytime you make a request of your spouse it could be construed as control. My H claimed, after he left, that I "never let him do what he wanted" - and he said the final straw was that I wanted him to quit his "consulting job" to which he had been disappearing for hours at a time and from which he had received no income - which turned out of course to be nonexistant.<P>Adults can't be controlled unless they let themselves be, unless the control is physical - but that would come under the heading of physical abuse, not control. The one exception that I can think of is when the controller threatens to do something that would make your children unhappy if you don't do what he wants. <p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited December 12, 1999).]