I just read the control/boundary post from Who to Pops and something clicked. I think that my wanting to stay at home right now is some kind of controlling attitude, that I'm thinking that I need to be there to remind her constantly of what she has done and maybe the guilt will bring her back to me. But, by me moving out for a while, I have removed that controlling aspect and set a boundary for myself and W. The boundary being that I am giving myself time alone to take care of myself and focus on things I need to do right now, both personally and for the M. Also, I am not constantly around for W to be reminded of what has happened so that she has time alone to take care of herself. <P>Does Dr. H have anything on control/boundaries that I can read? I find that this idea could be very enlightening. I can begin to see the control/boundary issues in a lot of aspects of my life, especially parenting and the way I treat W. Anybody else have an opinion on what I just said, does it seem right, or am I not seeing it correctly?<P>What I find strange about all this is that W has always been an 'in-control' person. Her entire life has been scripted by herself, she has always made goals for herself and then did what had to be done to accomplish them. W also has some very well defined boundaries that she keeps herself within. Except for the A which she feels happened without her being able to control and made her step over the boundaries that she established. So now she is trying to regain control of her life again and right now I am standing in the way of that by being around. With me gone, she can regain that control quicker, re-establish her boundaries and begin to heal herself faster which I think she needs to do.

lhs,<P>Control is a tough issue. A lot of marriages struggle for a balance in control. In others the word contol uis used to place a guilt trip on the dominant partner. It's a tough issue and there are no easy answers. <P>I think that most BS's are a little bit controling. WS's sure like to cry out controll when the A is exposed. Put yourself in their shoes. If they FEEL (rightly or wrongly) that they have boundries placed on them by you then they feel controled. Because of the nature of the relationship they feel that they are a threat to you if they tell you how they feel. That may or may not be right but that is how they may percieve you. <P>Keep thinking about your control issues within your marriage. It's been brought to light. Your W is thinking about them also.<P><BR>good luck,<P><BR>who

lhs,<P>One more thing about guilt. I'm going to post a thread about guilt. This is a thread I started over on the GQ2 board. I will warn you that there is a pster named sadandlonely that is a WS. His logic and the way he try to solve problem are really "different". I do like SNL because he gives me a view of the WS mindset. <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=013067" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=013067</A> <P>Here's another lesson I learned that might help you and pops out.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=013093" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=013093</A> <P>who

After reading your replies it seems to make sense now. Just my being there has placed some controls and boundaries on W that she does not want right now. And me the same. I can see that all I was doing was worrying about the success or failure of the M and not on my well being and what I need to do to change, some heavy boundaries to be living in. Since the A was revealed we really haven't made any significant progress together, just little steps forward and back. I think W had some serious breakthroughs while I was just kind of sitting by for her and not thinking of myself.<P>I know our mariage is far from over and I hope that when this is all said and done, we will be together still, that's my life dream. But us being together was destroying any chance that we have of making it. Maybe absence does make the heart grow fonder. I think that right now I am trying so hard to keep us together that I am actually pushing us apart.<P>The thing about the triangle does make sense but I don't know if I am ready to accept the fact that we won't be at the top together. Right now we are starting to progress at our own pace and I think the time apart will help that out a lot. W is starting counseling by herself with someone and I am getting into some counseling groups at a local church. We are both determined to work things out and my gut feeling is that within the next month or two we will be ready to work on us. I know its going to be hard for me to be away from W and the kids, they have been my whole life up until now. But if its not worth fighting for, its probably not worth having, right?

Who and LHS,<BR>Wow! What a mind blower! I can now see that by us living in the same house that our M could not possibly go any further. <P>I don't know if I made the right decision by telling her that she will have to leave if she goes on this date, but I have to follow through with it. Even though we have endured many years apart throughout our marriage, this time apart is based on a different foundation. Perhaps time apart now is what is really needed for both of us.<P>Pops

lhs and pops,<P>I hope you guys don't think that I'm encouraging you to seperate from your W's. That can be a slippery slope. However, only you guys can decide that and you need to do what is in your heart. Know what you can do before you do it. <P>I will tell you in my case the best thing for me would have been to separate early but I couldn't do it so it didn't happen. You guys both have good hearts. Try to protect that.<P><BR>who

Who and Pops,<P>I can tell you that in our situation it was a mutual agreement. We had both been thinking about separating for a while just to give each other some breathing room. I didn't put an ultimatium on her and neither did she. W would have moved out except she doesn't work and can stay with the kids so it was up to me to leave. The other factor I feel is important is that W has completely broken off all contact with OM and is now trying to focus on getting herself whole again. And in a way I think that is what I am also doing now. By not being around W so much, I have also cut the tie to OM and the A which will allow me to focus on my recovery.<P>It comes back to the boundary/control idea. Before separating we had put so many boundaries between us that we couldn't see what the real issues were for us together and us as individuals. These boundaries felt like each one was trying to control the other also. I think that W felt like I was trying to make her feel guilty about the A just so that she would feel sorry for me and stay in the M (which I probably was doing).<P>We had problems before the A that should have been worked out but I was too stubborn to admit it and now they have come to the surface. At times I think that the A will be too much for both of us and the M will be over and other times I think about how much we have been through and why can't we work through this also. The uncertainity and doubt is what is the hardest, but I just got to keep looking to the top of the triangle and glance over at W once in a while and smile at her.