For the past 2 years my husband has been talking sex on the internet, i.e. cybering and dirty talk. I caught him several times and he promised me that he would stop. Of course he never did until I broke his puter. He would always tell me that it meant nothing, that he wasn't going to fly out to see anyone.<P>One of the women I met on the internet lives in the same city as we do. We had been to dinner with her and her husband several times and they helped us move into our new house.<P>I found out 4 months ago that my husband had had an affair with her. He said there was no emotion on his part and he told her he loved me and would never leave me. When he told me this and about 2 other women over the past 7 yrs that he had one night stands with I was totally devastated. We've been married 42 years and have gone thru hell. I've left several times because of physical abuse (hasn't done that in 15 yrs) and emotional abuse. The last time I left for a year and he promised me things would change. And I really thought he had changed until I found out about all this.<P>We have been to counselling but I can't seem to forgive or forget. How in the world do I do that...and how do I learn to trust him again. <P>We have been thru so much together...our 2 oldest children drowned together 25 yrs ago when they were 15 and 13...and I feel that all the things we have been thru that I should forgive him. But I can't seem to do it. Yet I love him.<P>How do I forgive, forget and trust again. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Betsy, and welcome to MB.<P>First off, read up on all of the material here and have a look at some of the posts. There are some very helpful words here.<P>Learning to trust again after something like this just takes time. It's only been a month since D-Day for me but I still can't learn trust. As soon as I think that it's safe to test the waters of trust, she does something that takes it all back. It's all part of the roller coaster ride of emotions that infidelity takes you on.<P>I'll offer up some advice that I'm having a hard time following. Plan A your butt off - set your own boundaries to keep yourself from getting hurt any more - and take care of yourself first. The last thing that you want when you are feeling as bad as this is to be sick too. If you are not already, get some counseling, even if he won't go with you.<P>Like I said, I've had a hard time following the good advice I've gotten from folks in here, so it's now my chance to try to help someone that might not be so impatient and stubborn like myself.<P>Good luck and keep posting in here. We're all here for you.<P>Pops<p>[ October 20, 2001: Message edited by: p0peye_34 ]

Learning to trust again is tough. When I found out about A, I told myself right away that I would forgive W for what she did, I figured that was the only way I could work things out. Forgetting is another matter, but I do know that not asking for all the gory details helps, I already get enough of those images in my head by myself. <P>Forgive and forget come from yourself, trust has to come from the other person. I know that W will leave on a moments notice and say "I have to get away for a while, I can't take the tension here anymore" and I wonder if she is going to meet OM even though she has told me it is over between them. Normal reaction considering what has happened. <P>But then I think about that triangle and what it means. I can't control what she does, only what I do. If she is sneaking out to see OM, that is her problem, not mine. I'm too busy looking to the top of the triangle and working on myself right now. I do tell her that I don't like it when she runs out like that because I care and worry about her.<P>Anyway, thats my take on the trust thing. Like I said, trust has to be earned from the other person. That works the other way too, I try and show W that she can trust me not to judge her or be vengeful for what she has done and that I will here whenever she needs me.