I have a question that maybe someone can help me with. I know that I have said in past posts that I am giving W time and space to help her work through the A ending and decide if she wants to work on the M, but I am wondering now how much time and space is necessary before I compromise myself? Since D-Day, W has only talked to me seriously maybe 4 times and each one of those was more about how wonderful she felt with OM, how he is her soulmate for life, she couldn't help falling in love with him, blah, blah. But recently she hasn't said anything at all to me, she just ignores me completely and stays away from me. That's one of the resaons we both decided it best that I move out for a while, the tension was just too much for both of us.<P>Except for yesterday, she unloaded on me with both barrels and told me how everything that is wrong in the house and family is my fault. I told her that I accept responsibility for the things I have done wrong in the past and also told her that things were beginning to change (pointed out a few), that it would take time, that anger isn't going to help anyone, and to just please give me a chance to prove to her I am making changes for the better. She called me later on that day and apologized for what she did (she rarely apologizes to me) and all she wants right now is peace in the house and in herself.<P>Is this considered a good reaction or not? I know I have heard her say and do things in the past that give me hope that she wants the M to work out. I have read enough to expect this kind of outburst and not to take it personally and I am sure that I am in for more of the same. Did I handle this right? Anything else I can do right now? What other kinds of things should I be looking for that might tell me which way W is heading with the M? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.<P>I guess today I am on another downhill run of that roller coaster called Recovery.<P><I>Mistakes are miracles in disguise that lead you to wonderful new beginnings you never dared to imagine</I>

LHS,<P> Doesn't sound too bad to me. I know that it kind s_cks to listen to her talk about OM, but at least she is talking to you about what is in her mind/heart right now. Keep listening&#8230;that&#8217;s a good thing. If you have to keep the right frame of mind, pretend she is telling you about how badly she will miss her sister/aunt/mother who just passed away. <P>Unloading on you is just a step in the rationalization process. IMHO..D-Day and prior, most WS have justified why an EMA is OK and the right thing for them to do. Then they get caught or confess (D-Day). Somewhere around this period they start thinking that maybe the EMA was wrong way to handle their feelings. Next someone has to be to blame for all this, and first thoughts go to the BS. <P>Give it time, be sympathetic, and try to sort out (to yourself only) what parts of her complaints about you are rational and what parts are not. Don&#8217;t try to defend those parts that aren&#8217;t right now, just verbally accept the one that are.<P>From what I've read and lived some WS quickly move through those steps and others stop after the first step or two. IMHO as long as she is talking to you about the OM and the feeling she has/had, apologizing for emotional outbursts, and trying to have no contact, then you're making progress.<P>Good luck and remember that a hole in your tongue can heal.<P>HI

lhs,<P><BR>I wish I could have done as good as you when I started. Keep up the good work.<P><BR>who

I have to agree with WHO. I really could have handled some things differently and allowed her more time to sort things out on her own. I feel like such a jacka$$ for not being there for her when she needed me.<P>Pops

Well, last night was another one of those nights of angry outbursts. I came home for a while after work to see the kids and just as I got there, W informed that she was leaving to run some errands. I asked her why we can't just be together even for a little bit and quit avoiding each other so much. Then I told her how I really felt about leaving, not being able to talk to her anymore, being a part time Dad and having all this extra commuting time, its really wearing me out. She accused me of trying to make her feel guilty about the whole thing and that it was a mutual agreement that I leave. She told me "what do you want me to say, come back home?" and I replied "right now, I wouldn't want to even if you begged me" By the look on her face, I don't think she was expecting that from me. Was this reaction by me a LB?<P>Later on she nailed me again about how I am constantly undermining her authority with the kids and how I allow them to take advantage of us all the time. She told me "here are my rules, this is how I am going to run this household, etc." I get the feeling that she is trying to micro-manage the entire household (including me) and to control everything she can right now. On the one hand I am glad that she is starting to open up to me and tell me how she feels. I guess in a way she is expressing her EN's to me. But, how she is doing it with the anger makes me really defensive. I can stand there and take it to a point, but after that, I feel that I need to say something too.<P>W starts seeing a therapist today and I should be starting soon. Right now I really feel like things may be getting worse, but then again maybe this is just a phase we need to pass through on the road to recovery. I read the replies to my original post on this thread need to work those suggestions into my brain because I know they will help. Anybody have any more suggestions on what I should do now? Any more words of encouragement? I guess I am just venting right now, thanks for listening. This downhill run on the roller coaster is a lot longer than any of the others I had experienced so far.

Somewhere here I have read about the three stages of marriage: intimacy, conflict and withdrawal.<P>She's not in the last one is she?<P>And this is a good sign.<P>What is happening is she is trying to make you LB so she can justify her A. You aren't going to let her do that are you? Hold your head high and Plan A all the way no matter how she rewrites history to suit herself.

I'm on a roll with these threads today, got a lot to say.<P>I'm not sure about the withdrawal stage. Do you mean withdrawal from me because of me, or because of the A, I guess I could use a bit more explanation on this. Yes, we have gone through the intimacy stage and maybe right now it is the conflict stage. But this goes back and forth right, or is it a cycle that repeats itself unless someone does something about it to move it from say conflict back to intimacy? I'd love to be in the intamacy stage all the time, but I know that isn't going to happen in the real world.<P>Yes I think she is trying to make me LB, I know she is ridden with guilt over the A, says she couldn't help it, it was out of her control. No, she is not going to make me LB, although I know I have. Seems that lately I can't do anything right around her, but if I think about it closely, I really haven't done anything to make her feel like I she says I have.

LHS,<BR>First off, let me tell you that I am jealous! I don't get a reaction from W no matter what I do. I came home today, cooked a big meal, cleaned the kitchen, started a fire (its getting cold here!) and set an atmosphere where anyone would feel safe and comfortable. Her reply? She ate the meal, then ran off to her computer to chat with her friends, with not so much as a burp to let me know that at least the meal was tasty!<P>I think you have moved on to the next stage. At least from everything that I've read, it sounds as though the next step is just like what Nina says. I congratulate you on your progress and hope the best for you.<P>Keep us posted so some of us know what to expect.<P>Pops