Is there anyway I can soften the blow that is about to come....not for me, but for my husband? I resumed an EA, after a 10 month span with no contact [the original EA lasted 2 years]. Well...He told his wife today about us.<P> I told my husband about the whole thing a year ago when OM and I stopped communicating, and my husband and I worked through MB principles....but as our marriage became distant once again... I made contact with my EA [2 months ago]. My husband has trusted me all of this time...and look what I have done.<P>I know I deserve whatever is coming my way...but my husband doesn't...so that is why I am asking for help....if there is any to be had.

Tough call&#8230;<BR>You could start by telling him yourself rather than have the OMs wife call. Be truthful, understanding and answer any and all questions. Other than that I can&#8217;t think of any way to "soften the blow" as you put it.

You're going to have to bite the bullet and be brutally honest. You can't have him hear this from the OM's wife. It's too bad that you couldn't have been honest with him two months ago that you felt distant and going to call up the OM -- but I guess you might have been in denial as to what you were actually doing....again. <P>Be honest, accept whatever response he gives to you, and .... make a promise to yourself that you will from now on do what's right, regardless of your emotions. <P>God Bless,<BR>Lisa

I think you should get completly honest w/ him, before he hears it from anyone else....I am on the verge of having an affair myself...Ive tried talking to my husband,to no avail...

Esta,
If I could just say something to anyone who is considering having an affair, coming from an H whose W just confessed to an EA/PA. How I wish W would have come to me 6 months ago and said that she was having those same feelings towards another man. That would have been the wake-up call I would have rather had than the one I had 4 weeks ago. Do you know how much easier it would have been to work through that instead of what we have to work through now? <p>How many people are hurting from this, me, W, our kids, the OM and his W, his kids, our families (those that know), our friends that suspect something terrible has happened, how much pain are you willing to go through for this kind of satisfaction? How much guilt do you want to bear for your actions? Think about it, how can you respect someone who is cheating with a married person? Have you known anyone who did, what did you think about that person? Lying, deceiving, playing mind games, is that what you want people to think of you as? If this person is so wonderful, then you owe it to your spouse to end your relationship and run to this new Mr/Mrs Wonderful, would you expect any different from them. Your M has problems and it is a result of both of you not meeting each others EN/PN's, why would you want to make it worse by doing this? Its just not worth it!<p>I suspected something was going on but it took a call from OM's W to finally convince me. W was hoping that it would remain a secret forever until OM spilled the beans to his W. That hurts even worse, had she told me herself, it would have been much better. And I am still finding out details about what really happened. W hasn't been completely honest with me yet, how can I begin to trust her?<p>C&I
My advice from an H who is living this nightmare right now, tell him NOW, don't wait, there is no good time to tell him this. Stop ALL contact with OM, I think you are ready for the A to die its natural death. Tell him exactly what happened, but don't give him the gory details, he will visualize enough without you giving him specifics. Tell him how sorry you are, ask for forgiveness, tell him you want to work things out (you do, don't you?). Get into counselling, both individually and together right away, get to a doctor to make sure you both don't slip into any kind of depression. Don't give him any reason to be suspicious any more either. Recommit yourselves to each other.<p>Be ready for some rough times and come here for advice or to just look for encouragement, there are a lot of decent people here who can help you both. Read everyting Dr. H has on the subject, read some of the books others recommend. Forgiveness, Repentance, Reconcilliation, there really is something to that.

Loveherstill;<p>First let me clarify my situation a little, as it seems different from yours. I have had an EA affair with my coach... we never crossed the line. <p>Now let me say that I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I think that the "line", especially for a man...is a huge stumbling block in recovery/forgiveness. From a woman's point of view...the physical aspect is NOT NEARLY as important as the emotional attachment.....Look at Dr. Harley's needs and how they generally lay out for a man-vs-a woman. <p>When I first told my husband about all of this, last year, he actually took it all in stride. I don't think he realized the potential danger of this act on my part. I also think that Coach [my EA] took the whole thing a LOT lighter than I did.<p>In essence, what I am saying is that I find my EA more heinous than my husband finds it....and you see your wife's PA affair as the ultimate betrayal... now I would say... ask your wife which is more important and EA or a PA.<p>Now a response to your post---[finally]<p>I have decided not to tell my husband....the reasons: 1) we have been here before, he knows the WHOLE story with coach and we worked through MB...which worked for almost a year.. 2) Coach couldn't handle the stress and is gone----again, and 3) [and this is by FAR the most important] You were right....this EA has died a natural death. I would have never believed it could....6 months ago [while Coach and I were trying so hard to do the right thing and were not in contact] I was absolutely frantic for any news from or about coach. Now I realize that he is really just a little flakey. I have the real article at home. Granted, my husband may be busy....but he is rock solid. All I have to do now is find more ways to "own a piece of the rock"....
I think this time I'm home to stay.....<p>Esta- At this point...possibly nothing anyone could say to you could convince you that you haven't discovered your "soul-mate"...but before you take that leap please go to the following threads and read them...mine is a classic---almost text book case of my emotional affair. It seems so strange now...I read this all in "His Needs, Her Needs" when Coach and I first started but thought to myself "that was them...we are 'special'". Well, Dr. Harley couldn't have scripted my EA better had he seen every e-mail, or taped every phone call Coach and I made to each other. EVERY prediction he made in HNHN came true, in just about the correct time frame. Please take a look at my threads then e-mail me with any questions if you want to at tcocan@hotmail.com. <p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=8&t=003337<p>[URL=http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=008117&p=2]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=008117&p=2[/ URL]<p>Esta....Please learn from another's mistake...there is no need for you to plunge into an affair. Believe me, just the emotional aspects are hard enough to recover from.<p>Prayers-<p>C&I<p>[ October 25, 2001: Message edited by: confused&insecure ]</p>

Why don't you just leave your husband? Obviously, if you are going to continue screwing around after making an effort to make up, the relationship is going nowhere because you don't respect it and nurture it. He needs to get away from you. You are toxic.

By the way, everyone is being too soft on her ... she knew the original pain she caused, what is wrong in this situation that she STILL decided to inflict more? It's a total lack of respect for the others feeling and I have no, NO, sympathy whatsoever for her "emotional pain" she's going through. "They" just get to a point of further manipulation by trying to tug on our heartstrings of forgiveness. Sorry. Not ever gonna go for that again.

confused,
If you truly want to reconcile your marriage, you have to honor your H, which means YOU have to tell him the truth. Ask for forgiveness and mean it this time. Be strong in the Lord and you will have victory over this affair. God WILL forgive you. <p> But first things first, you, my dear, have to ask God to change you. I was in your shoes at one point, now I am in your husband's shoes. However, when I was in your spot, my mind kept feeding me lies, like I loved this other person and that it felt wonderful with this other person. This is Satan lying to you and maybe you can't recognize or distinguish love vs. lust, but God will open your eyes if you ask him too. <p> Your marriage is worth saving. And if your husband is willing to forgive you and give you another chance (and even if he's not), then I would put my marriage into God's hands and let him start working to save this marriage that you have brought violence to.
Even though we don't keep our promises, God does. God desires for you and your husband to reconcile and he is willing to do all the work, trust him and pray to him. <p>God bless, Julia<p>[ October 26, 2001: Message edited by: mnca6713julia3 ]</p>

Interesting....... I have the word "confused" in my name as well... and yes, i'm the WS in my story also.<p>I think 29palms was awfully harsh on you. I know the struggles you are going through. I feel like a fool in my case though... I wanted to be sexy and young and free again, I suppose. Yet, I ended up feeling used and abused and guilty. I'm trying to forgive myself for all of that. <p>Everytime I see my children, I have to forgive myself. Everytime I see the sadness in my H's eyes, I have to forgive myself.<p>Hang in there, confused, but be strong! Its an addiction and you CAN conquer your addiction and enjoy a healthy relationship with your H.<p>I'm working on it here! Good luck!

29Palms;<p>Did you just skim my posts?....there has been no
"screwing around" as you so indelicately put it.
You don't know my story [because you OBVIOUSLY haven't read about it] and are in no way qualified to criticize. <p>The reason I am not telling my husband that I have had contact with my EA [emotional affair] is that we have ceased contact and it would do no good to give him this information. <p>If your intent on these boards is just to flame at people...perhaps you should stay off. I turn to MB when I need help......<p>Julia...thank you for your reply. I have prayed many prayers over this whole situation. I have prayed for strength, I have prayed for deliverence from these desires, and I have prayed for the boundless love that I once had for my husband to return to me. I think slowly, but surely, my prayers are being answered. Actually...I am not sure that this last contact with Coach wasn't meant to show me that my love for my husband has grown some. Granted, things aren't perfect....but I believe that they are much much better than the first time I had contact [EA] with my coach.

Dear C&I:<p>I am sorry for your pain. I have no experience with affairs. I do have experience with the withdrawal caused by an overextended spouse. I like your H own a successful business and can be overdedicated to it as well as spending time with my D. I put my W into withdrawal. There was little US time. I went into withdrawal for different reasons that are unimportant here.<p>I decided last Nov to stop the stalemate and just started treating my W the way I would like to be treated. I ALWAYS came home in a good mood hugged and kissed her first thing. I started getting her cards, gifts and flowers for no reason. The biggest thing I did was to LISTEN to her with empathy and no fixes.<p>I did not discuss this with her I just did it. I cannot change her I can only change myself. I cannot get her to follow MB principles yet she finds them sexist. However, my changes affected her. The mood around the house is much better and she even calls me at work to tell me she loves me.<p>I don't recall if you tried this but can you just start treating H the way you want to be treated. Go the his and son's tennis practices and be in his face in a loving way? Make him spend time with you by being there.<p>Maybe I am just rambling but I do know it is difficult to get back the loving feelings and I feel for you. I wish you and your family the best.<p>JMHO<p>Jack<p>P.S. I cannot fault your logic in not telling H about contacting your coach again since it has shown you that you really have the pick of the litter.<p>[ October 26, 2001: Message edited by: willmakeitwork ]</p>

C&I I'm sorry for your confusion and pain. Maybe I'm way off base here but I get the impression that H may not even realize how close he came to losing you! I'm a BS and would spare him the reality that usually provides the catylist for that realization if I could. I know that I was deaf dumb and blind to the pain I was causing my wife until it was nearly terminal. Did H ever "own up" to his shortcomings in your M? I know he did some reading and you both MB'd for a bit but it seems perhaps he just didn't get it. It's frustrating to see someone on the edge of teh abyss and not be able to shake some sense into them! Sounds like H could surely use it! You stay strong!

sofar2go;<p>Thanks for your words of encouragement. My husband is trying...and for the most part is doing a good job. He is quite a lot like Jack
[willmakeitwork] from the post above yours. He is a very successful businessman and the best father you can imagine....always happy. Jack, however, seems to have done his homework quite well. <p>In our home, problems arise when we don't spend time together. [My husband doesn't do cards, flowers, lunches out or other outward displays of affection]. About the time thing...I must own up to my own fault here. I am not good at asking for time. Our interests are very different and it was easier for me to spend my time alone....and after a while I am lonely again. <p>Take tonight, for instance, he is off playing tennis with my son and will be gone for about 3 hours. I am at home doing my training. This is normal protocol 6 days per week...the 7th, I generally race or there is a tennis tournament. I will go with them to the tourneys unless I am out of town. They will not come to my events. <p>You asked if he "get's it". I believe he does, but feels like as long as there isn't a problem he doesn't need to act. He sort of gives the minimum requirement. Right now we spend a total of about 2 hours of quality time together per week....that includes the weekend. <p>It is sad really....but it is my reality. I have chosen it before and continue to choose it. I am considering going back to work....I think if I had something to occupy more of my time I wouldn't be on this dang board thinking about this so much!

love her still & c&i,I have not done anything yet with the other man/previous boyfriend, my husband & I got married less than a year ago & its been real rough going since the honeymoon, believe it or not...Ive been TRYING HARD for all these months, & well, it sure would be nice to "be with" someone who really wants to be with me, as opposed to my husband who ...well, he & I can barley stand being together,let alone anything else...AND I have went to my husband & told him I have had thoughts of seeing someone else....no response...but I expected as much...He (husband) SAYS he loves me, & wants to stay married, etc. BUT ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS...Thanks for your help, I do know what a horrible thing adultry is, & have never cheated on anyone before...but Im at the end of my rope & have been SCREAMING (not literatly) for help since day one of our "marriage" to no avail,My husband left, on "business" 2 days after we got married ,anyway this is getting too long so ill stop now thanks again, Esta

29 Palms,
Please only post encouraging words here. This site is called Marriage Builders meaning we are building marriages. See how that works?<p> We are not here because we want to be, but because we have a desire to reconcile our marriage even when it is hanging by a thread. <p> Right now, at this very moment God is rejoicing because confused&insecure has turned away from sin and is walking (not without struggle) into the light. She needs encouragement to keep going in that direction. We all make mistakes, sometimes we make the same ones over and over (that's me), but what God cares about is that we become NEW and turn away from sin. <p>
Confused,
Stay focused, you can do it! We are on your side, and more importantly, God loves and forgives you and is working right now to give you a love for your husband that is one-hundred fold. That is what he did for me. I asked God to help me to love my h again. I wasn't expecting it to be one-hundred fold though so be ready because when God works, he works! Keep that broken heart open. God bless.

Dear C&I:<p>I read your last post and see both you and your H own a bit of this lack of time together.<p>I have a couple of questions for you to ask yourself:<p>1) Do you really want this M to work out with your H? I don't mean obligation, history and kids.<p>2) Do you think your H wants the M to work?<p>If the answer to the above is yes. It seems to me (again I have no experience with affairs so forgive me if I am way off base) that one of you need to take the bull by the horns (that would appear to be you since you are here) and let the other know that the future of the M is dependent on making more time for each other.<p>I think to avoid resentments on either's part you both have to compromise a bit. He on work and S's tennis and you on, I believe, long distance running.<p>Your son will only be around for another six years or so (before college etc.). The M can be around for a lot longer seems to me as a businessman he will appreciate the need to nuture the long term investment to reap the rewards when it is just the two of you.<p>Forgive me if this seems nothing but a firm grasp of the obvious but I when through it to decide to take the steps I did. Also, If you answered yes to my first two questions I think that if you followed what I did and just get in his face and treat him the way you want to be treated first you will get some results. JHMO.<p>I hope you get exactly what you desire. I know how difficult it can be to feel lonely in your marriage.<p>My best to you and your family.<p>Jack