H met with OW last night - I wanted him to talk to her to explain where he stood. (yes I trust him to be honest) Keep in mind that Sunday night he said he wanted to move out to explore his feelings. At first I said if he did that the only way I could cope is by filing for divorce. Then I said I would wait for him.<P>Anyway, when he got home we talked. He said he was on his way home to tell me was moving out, but now that he saw me he could not do that. We talked a great deal more and when he went to bed I was under the impression that he was back in limbo and our short 5 weeks of waiting was going to continue. <P>This morning he said he is moving out and I told him that means he is willing to take the chance that I myself will move on. He is taking the chance that he will loose everything. I ask him if he would wait until we can talk to a different counselor. He said yes - I then as nice and sincere as I could be and from the bottom of my heart, I asked him to give his wife and child the first chance. I am not sure I can wait. If I do I am afraid I will have a nervous breakdown. <P>Is the best thing for me to tell him to just leave and say it is plan B? OR is there any chance Dr. Harley or someone of his caliber can convince him it is possible? My H doesn't think we can recover the magic. He loves me, he enjoys being around me (at least before she came along), he was never unhappy. We had a very comfortable marriage. We actually had what lots of people long after. He has that Hollywood view - does that mean with his longing to move out that by my letting him go and cutting off as much contact as possible that it is my only hope of getting him back? Do I start dating? What do I do? <P>I am thinking that I call him this morning and tell him if he is still moving out then he can't come home tonight - he will argue that he has no where to go - I say hotel until he gets an apartment. Do I change the locks - take his garage door opener? I am trying not to freak out, but I am so scared that if me moves out I will loose him forever. Not because what he has with her will definitely last, but he gets hung up on pride. He thinks he was above an affair, but since it happened and he feels so wonderful then it must be destiny.<P>Why does God expect so many people to endure so much pain - why do we have to go thru things like this? I am so tired of hurting. I just don't know if I can wait - that is ultimate rejection - after an affair for H to choose OW - to give her a whirl first. <P><P>------------------<BR>H

I'm so sorry you are faced with this.....You need to calmly do what you feel is right. Plan B, seems to be a viable option, and from what I've learned here, the most important thing is to NOT lovebust prior to Plan B implementation.<P>If you need to make the break right away, I think it's okay to ask him for the garage door opener, etc......but rather then demanding he not come home tonight, perhaps you should get him to commit to a move out date in the near future, giving him a few days to make arrangements.....I think the last thing you want to do right now is to drive him to the OW by leaving him no options....<BR>JMO, good luck, and I'm sending good thoughts your way.....

I don't believe God ever causes or expects people to endure "so much pain". He is a busy man (traditionally thought of as a man, anyway), with lots to do. I can't imagine he is in anyway in control of these crazy soap operas. I believe there is plenty of callousness right at the human level to explain all this stuff. I think the blame for the pain belongs right on the people involved. That's my preachy little sermon for the day. I'll stop now.

I understand how confusing this is. My H moved out Friday. But I used an old saying to help me through it, You catch more flies with honey then vinegar. So I helped him make a list of what he will need, I helped him pack, I even helped him load his truck. It was hard, but he really appreciated the way I was handeling things. As a matter of fact, he invited me to join him and our son Saturday for an outing. He hasn't done that in quite awhile. My feeling on the subject are this. It could do both of you some good to be apart. It will give him time to think, and miss you. It will also give you time away for the hurting. You will start to see that you can have a good life. I wish I could tell you the pain goes away. You keep your chin up and follow your heart.<P>------------------<BR>Give to the world the best you have, and the best will come back to you.<BR>* Viki

dhj:<P>I posted on your other thread. I would suggest that you treat your husband lovingly, no plan B, etc.<P>If he moves out, let him. If he was never unhappy in the marriage (you'll have to examine the reasons for the affair), your account in his lovebank will be high. And it's likely that this fantasy will burn out. Your best course of action is to be there when his fantasy falls apart.<P>Don't date. Don't lock him out. Don't give him any demands, or make disrespectful statements.

dhj,<P>Did your H ever read the thread he started?<P>I am sorry he is making the wrong decision. It doesn't necessarily have to be the end though. I'm sure in your position, I would be using the divorce and plan B, and everything I could to try and show him what he was doing is a mistake. HOWEVER, I have seen here at MB that it is best to stick with Plan A for as long as you absolutely can, even if he choses to move out. But I think if you stay in Plan A after he moves out, he still needs to give up his key, garage door opener, etc. HE made the choice to not live there, so he doesn't have the right to be there as he pleases. But ask for them back without the lovebusters. And try to have him leave with GOOD feelings about you. Viki is a wonderful example. (don't think I could be that calm) But I think that you being nice will show him how stupid a mistake he is making. If you get all angry, he's gonna justify more reasons why OW is better than you. <P>I am sooo sorry for you. I can't imagine your pain, but I will pray for you that your H can figure out where he should be before it's too late.<P>------------------<BR>Shoni<P><BR>

Dear DHJ,<P>Stop! Stop! Stop!!!!! Take a deep breath. This is no fun roller coaster ride.<P>#1. Your husband odviously loves you, and your marriage is still there. He has thrown into the blender fantasy and temptation - and he is addicted to pleasure. Pleasure is sin - and sin is short lived pleasure. Do not go to plan B, stay in A - and get strong strong strong in your resolve to love your husband and marriage. Do not waiver - do not think about dating - Do not get angry and demand - that he stay in hotel, etc. This is pride that is trying to control. Swallow it - and let your love for your marriage and husband make your decisions.<P>#2 What he has done and does is unacceptable, but sometimes it is best to put that negative junk up on a shelf and deal with it later. Build your marriage to be stronger before you start taking it down bit by bit.<P>#3 This is just not a battle for your marriage, but a spiritual battle for your family's soul! Think LONG TERM - not for today! <P>#4 The goal of the evil of this situation is to kill, steal and destroy. The goal of this evil is to kill your love, steal your family, and steal your peace. The goal is to have a broken family. YOUR GOAL is to have a restored happy marriage and family. Keep your goal in front of you and DO NOT take your eyes off of it. DO NOT LOOK at what is happening today, instead of think how you can impact the future you expect - a happy family, a husband that knows you want to spend the rest of your life with him - him meeting your needs and you meeting his.<P>Don't resolve to think shallow and think of what is happening today and let your pride keep you from being wise.<P>Hang in there. It will be worth it in the end. This can be overcome with love, patience, wisdom, and prayers.<P>God Bless.<p>[This message has been edited by trustntruth (edited August 24, 1999).]

Thank you all for all the support, kind words, advice and willing ears or I should say eyes!<P>I don't want him to move out and I don't want to force anything. Pride leads me to think self preservation and controlling the situation helps control the depression and insanity!<P>I was able to get him to agree to talk to Dr. Harley - we have an appt set up for 8 AM Friday. We both dislike the counselor we have been seeing. I agreed not to bring up the subject again this week - that will leave time for depositing love units (replacing those I withdrew Sunday night). He ask what he should do with plans to move out and I said put them on hold. I know he does believe there is a chance to save marriage, but it seems slim to him from where he is sitting. He has something wonderful or at least he thinks is wonderful with her. He is blinded by that. I have even told him that even if he loves her with all his heart and even if he could make a go of that relationship - that we still have a chance and that I know we can do it. I hope he sees the light soon.<P>Shoni - He did read the thread. He was amazed at the number of people that go thru this. He was also amazed at the length of time some people wait for their spouses to return. He said he knew that all the people who responded couldn't be wrong, but he doesn't know how to give her up. The fact of the matter is that even tho the affair is on hold he still sees her everyday at work. He told me yesterday or the day before that 5 weeks ago he wanted to leave me and was willing to walk out the door with just the shirt on his back - I think obligation to the marriage was keeping him here. But over these 5 weeks my unconditional love was amazing him. I think that meant that plan A was working. I was a little needy on Sunday and he felt like he needed to make a decision to stop being unfair to everyone. That is where the I want to move out came from. It was the safest decision for him - that is what I think anyway. <P>I really hope Dr. Harley can help my H see that there is a bigger chance for us to save our marriage than he thinks. Otherwise I think he will move out.<P>------------------<BR>H

I don't know what else I can say to you except have faith that this is all part of a "master plan" for happiness. My situation is quite different....can't imagine what you must be going through. If you need a male perspective on something though...feel free to let me know...I have a fair amount of experience in that area...

dhj-<P>I think it's great that he's willing to wait and talk to Dr. Harley. Atleast you know that your counselor is strictly pulling for your H to stay and work out the marriage. Some of these counselors that initiate divorce at the first hint of trouble really should not be counselors!<P>Do your very BEST at Plan A. NO lovebusters. When he pisses you off, smile, walk out of the room, and come here and yell at us instead! YOU CAN DO THIS! He's giving you alot more than many betrayers do to work with. He knows he loves you, he's put the affair on hold, he's willing to do counseling, he's not sure of the moving out, he says he doesn't want divorce...ALOT of positives for you to work with.<P>And then, don't forget to take care of yourself!<P>------------------<BR>Shoni<P><BR>

dhj, times are hard right now and you are in a very difficult position. You need to take care of yourself though too. I think everyone has great ideas in sticking to plan A, just make sure that you can do it emotionally. Are you going to counceling alone? If not, please do. That is what saved my sanity. During that time in my marriage (limbo stage), I tried to find 3 things I was grateful for....sometimes it was just surviving one more day. I, like someone else on this thread, actually went shopping with my H to buy things we didn't have duplicates of. Sounds crazy but we had fun doing it together. Two days before he was scheduled to move out, he came to me and said he didn't want to leave. I didn't want him to go either...we had tons of stuff already packed in the garage. So we lost the deposit money on the apt., and we stayed together. So as you can see, things can always still work out. The one thing I always told my H was that I would not date at all until the divorce was final. I told him I took my vows very seriously and that in the end I would be able to look myself in the mirror. My main concern today though is you. I know you feel as though you will never be able to handle it if he leaves, please know you are incredibly strong you've made it this far right? If it gets to be more than you can handle (emotionally), tell your H you need some time. Go find a park, beach, lake or what ever is close to you and take a long walk and talk to God. I remember on afternoon writing in the sand "I love me", and the sun shining down, it was a moment between me and God. Trust yourself, when you've had enough don't love bust, but love him enough to let him find himself. You don't want him there unless he is sure of your marriage. I would have only stayed married to my H if I knew I was first. Not for the kids or the house or his income, but because it is true love. I'm sure thats what you want too.<BR>

I'm so happy for you that he decided to wait and go to Dr. H on Friday. Something inside him is telling him there is a reason to hold on here. I think he really knows what he wants deep down inside. this is a good sign. best of luck at that appt. I am praying for you both.

I do not know how to thank any of you. You are all so kind. When I found this site I became obsessed because it allowed to say anything on my mind. I should have also kept a journal. I hope one day that my H will read everything I have written here. I feel instead of posting for me and reading what other people are going thru that I should be responding more, but I am not mentally able at this time. <P>Anyway, most of the time I feel so strong. I do have those times when I feel panicky and depressed. Those are the times I have said and done things that I regret. I have called my Doctor and asked for a prescription to help me get thru those times. I try to not take medication, but that may end up helping my marriage by preventing love busting. <P>gladimadeit - I like the idea of not dating until it is over on paper. That affirms my commitment to the marriage - one more plus on my side. <P>My goal for this week is no love busting and deposting as many units by Friday as possible. In addition, I will abide my end of the bargain. I will not utter a word about our situation. That is all I can do. I wish I could take back Sunday - made a big goof. <P>Thanks again!