First...sorry this is so long, but I only truly discovered a couple of weeks ago and things have been a little crazy.<P>Ok, here goes. My wife and I are 30 (actually, I turned 31 last week) and have been married for just over 7 years, but been together for 12. As it turns out, I appear to have been suffering from depression on and off for most of my adult life. After college, we moved to where she got a job, and I started working for her cousin in a small business. At that time, I'm pretty sure I was in a depressive state for quite some time, and I really didn't have any peers with whom I worked (migratory workers, mostly). Anyway, she DID have new friends at her job (she's a teacher), and I attached myself to them. For most of our relationship, I've relied heavily on her for emotional support and probably self esteem boosting (Don't know where THAT came from). Anyway, after about three years, I found the dream job that I'd always wanted. I FINALLY had peers, and what do you know, we partied A LOT (seemed just like in college). I was neglecting my wife and her EN terribly, and as a matter of fact, I began to fall in love with AW. I know for a fact that the alcohol had something to do with it, but more later on that. My wife would sob herself to sleep and beg me to just "QUIT" hurting her so. Eventually, I stepped back and took a HARD look at my life. And while I DID have a great job, I really needed to tone back the drinking and the potential relationship. I made a concious effort to re-dedicate myself to our marriage and all the future plans that we'd made. I fell back IN love with my wife. But I never told her about the emotional affair (until recently). About a year later, I wrecked my truck (alcohol related), and another year later I finally got a DUI. Now, these were "isolated incidents"....meaning that I was no longer drinking all night, every night. Only a couple or three times a month. Both of these events crushed my wife and brought back the hurt of the year of heck for her. Yet, I still didn't come clean because I was afraid that I'd lose her for sure (she was raised with a VERY Christian background).<P>About a year ago, my father's health took a serious turn for the worse. He'd been going steadily downhill for about the last nine years after my mother left him for another man (that also destroyed me as well, and I hadn't really spoken to my mother since). At this time, I went into a deep depression which only got deeper when my dad died this last April. I completely shut down. I gave up all of my hobbies (golf, softball, darts, fishing). I gave up my duties at home (mowing, bills, cleanup, folding laundry, sex, etc..). I gave up on my love for my wife. We didn't talk, I just came home from work, went to the office and played games on the computer to escape. She asked me several times if maybe I ought to see someone, but I resisted, saying that I was only blue and I'd come out of it.<P>In the mean time, she too shut down and began to follow her own interestes. She began to work out religiously, go out with friends often, get more involved in her civic duties. Eventually, she says that she just fell out of love with me, and it looks like she filled her EN somewhere else. She had always been close to a former student, but in the last year, that relationship has blossomed and eventually become love. Two months ago, they consumated that love, and have been steadily seeing each other since. I had suspicions (even before they began to "KNOW" each other), but I attributed it to the fact that I was down. I was beginning to see that maybe I SHOULD seek help for depression, but then I began to come out of it around 2 months ago. I finally realized what a crapweasle I'd been for at least the last year, and I was REALLY ready to once again re-commit myself to our loving relationship. But I was scheduled to take a mini-vacation with her father for HIS mental health...little did I know that that was the very night things got MUCH worse.<P>When I got back, I began to try to meet her EN, but I could sense something new was afoot. I skirted the issue, trying to bring her out of her shell, until finally, I put it straight to her, "ARE YOU HAVING AN AFFAIR?"<P>She admitted it. She said she was SO sorry that it happened because of what I'd gone through with my parents (sorry she hurt me, etc...). I too, came completely clean about my emotional affair so that we could to establish a BRUTALLY HONEST atmosphere.<P>This is where I began to make a string of blunders over the last two weeks. I DEMANDED that she end it with him right then and there. She said she couldn't. We had him over that night and I repeated the demand. He was of no help. Oh, by the way, he's 19. She won't even discuss that part of the issue, even though I KNOW that it is pretty close to her heart. Granted, he's pretty mature for 19 (and I've actually liked him up to this point), he's an electrician apprentice, thinks he knows his future plans, etc....but he's still a kid - driving his truck through beanfields, spitting on cars while "cruising", getting into fights, etc....A KID! I know, I was there!<P>Eventually, I backed off my demand because it was apparent that if I pressed it that night, she'd walk out right then and there. We saw our pastor and a marriage counsellor the next day. At both times, she promised that she'd end it with him and have no contact because she knew that was the right thing to do. However, over the next week, she called him nearly every day, and I caught her calling him from a sporting event that weekend. Later that very night, I intercepted an email that she'd sent him...."OH, my God, he caught me calling you.....I need to meet you ASAP" or something along those lines. She'd gone to the store for a couple of items when I found the email and I called her on her cell and read it to her. Needless to say, she was plenty miffed about that.<P>At our second counselling session, the psych "led" her to saying that she was in the "closure" phase of our relationship...and I think that was a huge disservice to me. After all the reading I've been doing, it seems to me that maybe he should have tried to stall for time and get her to truly end it with the young man.<P>She stayed at a friend's house that night, and moved some clothes out the next day. While helping her pack, I mentioned something along the lines of "I don't want to, but I know that I have to just let you go and sort these things out." Also I mentioned something about I guessed it didn't matter if she saw the OM any longer....my bad. The first place she went was to his house.<P>I called several hours later to her friend's to get my mom's ph#, but she wasn't there. OK, so now I was crazy jealous and went searching. Her car wasn't at HIS place, and I was supposed to meet with him that evening anyway and so I stopped in. Well, guess who was there, no shoes/socks and been there for probably 3 hours.....where do you suppose my mind took me=> directly to the bedroom.<P>Well, I was peeved, but I pretty much let it drop. I asked her for the phone number and then I followed them to her car a couple of blocks away. HMMMM, ashamed? Anyway, we had words and I absolutely lost control of my anger. I've never raised a hand to her, but I JUST about hit her that night, and she knew it. I've never lost control like that and it scared BOTH of us. At the last possible moment, I chose her car as the recipient of my blows rather than her.....didn't win any points there.<P>Well, I'm now on anti-depressants, Thyroid meds, and occasionally, as sedative. The ADs are beginning to take hold and I feel like a HUGE stone has been lifted from my soul.<P>This last weekend, she was out of town but got back early. Her parents happened to be up (Yeah, I told them the night I lost control, they've been MY family for 12 years too, and I didn't have anyone else to turn to right at that time). They wanted to speak to this young man and so I took them to his house. She was there ("talking" about the situation, though she hadn't been there for more than about 15 minutes). Her parents told him that they didn't know what their plans were, though I've found poems about her being the NEW MRS. XXX. But they told him that he WOULDN'T be welcome in their family or their home. This is by FAR the most serious language I've ever heard them use.<P>They told her that she needed to END it with him, and probably stay seperated from me (and I agree), to sort things out.<P>I know in my heart that if I were only given a chance, she'd see that she can love me. Look at how much I love her right now after falling out of love with her and IN love with someone else. I know that I've had a problem with depression and I'm getting the help I need there. We're BOTH in individual counselling (though we've stopped couples). I know that I probably have a drinking problem and will not drink any more (especially on the meds). <P>I'm doing the things that I need to do....for ME, for HER, for US. But she's still unwilling to commit to even ending her affair at this point, let alone reconciling our marriage. She says that she cares about me and wants to be sure I'll be OK if/when it doesn't work. She can see her future with him, though I firmly believe it wouldn't be as good as the future I see for US.<P>I know I've pressed WAY too hard over the last couple of weeks and I'm trying to stop that. I know that she needs time, but she needs it AWAY from him. We are keeping in frequent contact, and we're going to be starting to have supper together as often as possible. We haven't split our finances, though I've been a little uneasy about that. I think I can trust her not to screw both of us in that way, but then again, I thought I could trust her.... I truly don't want to go down that path as it's just one step closer to a divorce. We agree that we don't want to rush into a divorce, which at least gives me hope that she's keeping the option of US open.<P>I really don't feel that there's much of a split of EN, because I just plain haven't been here for the last year. And so it's not like plan B would be any different than status quo. I've printed off the steps to reconciliation and the EN checklist from this site, but I think it's too soon to give these to her. I have referenced several other sites, for her, but I don't feel any have been as inclusive and helpful as this one (maybe I should let her see it).<P>I'm just not the kind of person who can easily sit back and let things happen.....I NEED to be involved in the outcome (at least the un-depressed me).<P>But I KNOW that I can't make her see that she needs to end her affair.<P>Please help me.<BR>Thanks,<BR>Kev

Oh, Kev, I'm pretty new at this myself (dday May 30), but I had to respond, just because you sound so much like me in so many ways. I realize now that I have struggled with depression off and on since I was 12, maybe even younger than that. I've also had issues with chemical dependencies my whole adult life. I've been on meds since the end of July, and my life has changed tremendously.<P>I know how hard this is, and I think what hurts most is the helplessness you feel. You are right, you cannot "make" your wife do, feel, or think anything. But even "knowing" that, it's a horrible feeling and difficult to accept.<P>This is all terribly fresh to you right now. Fortunately, I believe you have come to the right place. The best advice I can give you is to read and post here often. Get the Harley books, His Needs, Her Needs, Surviving an Affair, and Lovebusters. Don't expect your wife to be interested in reading them, but you need to. You sound as though you truly want your marriage to work. See if you can determine her top EN's and start trying to meet them every way you can think of. Remember that she will be skeptical of all changes you make. You (and I) were "absent" for so long in our relationships, they have every right to be skeptical of us. That's something we have to accept, even expect, and work to show consistency in the changes we make. Now that I am depression-free, I AM a different person, but my WH is only just beginning to believe in me again. Plan A, plan A, plan A.........<P>This mess wasn't made in two weeks, Kev, and you can't fix it that fast. I'm so sorry for your pain, and know that some more experienced folks will be by to add their riches to my lousy two cents. Just wanted you to know you are NOT alone, and you are NOT crazy.<P>You'll be in my prayers today. Do something good for yourself, okay? That always seems to help me.

Kev,<BR> I think your plan should be to continue working on yourself. She will not beleive changes in you until time proves they will last.<BR> She will get tired of him fighting, spitting, being a kid. Sure it was fun for a while but in real life....<BR> Try printing up how affairs start and how they should end. Give them to your wife when you have a trusting moment, ask her to read them. Say something like "I read this and wondered if this is how you felt" " I can see from this arcticle how lonely you must have been" then leave it at that.<BR> Good luck