I've got a situation I desperately need help with. As some of you know, W has told me she has broken off all contact with OM and I have tried to believe her. I just found an email from W to OM (its on a private account but I managed to get into it) asking if they could reschedule an 'interview'they had planned. I know from previous emails that this 'interview' is just a sham for them to get together again and do who knows what. W also says that she is going to a hotel for the weekend so I can be with the kids. Coincidence, NOT! All I wanted right now was for the A to be over so I could start trusting W again, this hurts worse than the first time.<P>Here is my dilema. Do I confront her with this? Do I try and find out where they are going so I can catch them in the act? Do I contact OM's W and see if he is going to be 'out of town' this weekend? Do I just keep quiet and let this hurt me even more. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

You need to confront her and be prepared for the lies. When I first found the IM between my BS and the OW, I printed it and confronted him with it. Of course, he told me that it was just innocent flirt and that it was the end....I also think the other BS should be informed. I wish I had done that when I first found out about the affair. My H finally ended things but it took a few weeks for him to do that. We're going to counseling. Hope things get better for you. Just hang in, be patient, your W is not herself right now.

I guess that is the spot I am in. I already confronted her about the A and she told me what was going on and that she had broken off all contact with him. I also know that OM's W went nuts for a few days after she found out about it (at least that is what W told me, should I not believe that too?)<P>So, if I confront W, she will most probably deny it and then stop contacting OM through the usual channels, then what do I do?. If the A continues, I need to know what is going on. If I call OM's W and tell her, how can I be sure she won't react in some hysterical way. I don't want to make a bad situation worse, but right now I feel like W and OM are calling the shots and I need to step in and regain a little control over my end of the deal. I can't follow her around because I will be watching the kids.<P>As a follow up, W just called me and asked if I could come home tonight while she stays at a motel because she will need time alone after the therapy session. I told her no, I have things to do and this is not part of our agreement. Do I just throw all trust out the window now and be suspicious of everything she does. That's a terrible way to live, do I have a choice?

I think you definatly need to confront her, and the OP's W needs to know too. I don't see any reason to make this "comfrotable" for him. He needs to pay the price in his own M for his actions. She may choose not to believe you, but at least you tried.<P>As a sidebar, I'm curious as to how you were able to get access to the e-mail account. <P>Needing

I'll tell you, but if W ever finds these posts, I'm a goner. Look at Iambigbrother.com and download the demo, its limited but I have found out a heckuvalot from the demo alone. Also, try and get a hold of the cell phone bill, or grab the phone when W/H is not paying attention and quickly see what the last call made/incoming were.

Thanks,<BR>I'll take a look, but I am afraid of downloads. My H downloads music and if he finds a strange download, I am a goner too.

Another follow up. I called OM's W and asked if we could talk, she asked that I call back later on this afternoon when she will be alone. I'm sure she could tell by the sound of my voice that something serious was going on. W also just called, asking me again why I couldn't stay with the kids tonight and why I am sounding angry with her. Told her the same thing I did before, really wanted to ask what time the 'interview' was scheduled for, maybe I could drop by for moral support!<P>Any advice on how I should tell OM's W what I know. I don't want to tell her how I found out about it in case she says something to OM. Do I just blurt it out, should I ask her if she suspects anything? I don't want to start any kind of on-going communication with her, but should we 'compare notes' once in a while. Anyone else have experience with this situation and can give me some pointers. Right now I feel like I have lost all hope, I really thought W had come out of the fog already. And the bad thing is that she acts like nothing is going on.<P>Needing, don't worry about the download, once you install, it erases all history of itself and even installs itself into a hidden directory that does not show up anywhere. Unless the spouse is a computer geek, they will probably never know it is there.

And yet another update. W just called me again, shes on her way to the therapist. Her question was, "do you really want this to work out?" I told her right away, "I love you more than anything, I told you when this first came out that is all I want to do, I don't want us to be apart, lets both really try." Then she says, "right now I hate all men, you are all just a bunch of a**! You only care about yourself and want sex all the time." Point made, right? She repeated the "I can't make any promises, this could take 3 months before anything substantial happens."<P>I'm just not sure how to piece this together with the information I found this morning. Is the 'interview' still on, or is W having some serious second thoughts about what she did. Did OM say something to her to set her off. I think I am still going to tell OM's W, but maybe discount it a bit after what just happened. I think that just the knowledge that they would consider this (W asked, OM responded) warrants the call to OM's W. <P>Any more suggestions, seems like y'all are the only ones I can turn to and trust right now. Thanks for listening to me. So much has been thrown on me today, my head is spinning. Right now I am just waiting for more to hit me, maybe it will knock my head completely off.

lhs,<P>You're playing a game they've become masters at. I bet your W sensed your knowing something and called OM. OM has talked to his W since and can read her also. They're afraid they'll get caught. That's why your W is so upset. You're screwing up her fun. This is where boundries and control come in. If they've set there mind to continue the affiar do you really think you can control it? What are your boundries? That is what you need to ask yourself. What are you going to do if it is happening? <P>lhs, this is a potentially explosive situation. I KNOW how you are feeling right now. If you choose to "catch" them I suggest that you hire a PI. After they are caught you can decide what to do when you've calmed down. You have your kids to think about. Don't end up in jail. <P>who<P>p.s. You're right about her finding another way to communicate. If you take away the e-mail, they'll use cell phones, take the cell phones away and they'll use calling cards. There is no end if they have their mind set. There is no way to stop it so save yourself the grief.

Well, I called OM's W and told her what I had found out. She was very nice about it, didn't think it was really anything to worry about, I'm not sure myself anymore. She says H is being really open with her and has told her everything. During the course of the conversation she told me a lot of things about W and OM that I didn't know happened, I only have what W has told me. If it is true, what an eye opener for me, couild change my entire perspective about what happened and who did what to who. I don't know if I should confront her with this information at some point in the future or what. I've been thinking about what she said and realize that there may have been a couple of situations in the past where the same thing may have happened. <P>I'm not ready to think about that right now. I'm going to take a few days off from all of this and focus on myself. I've been busy looking across the triangle, now its time to look up it again.

Wow, have you had a roller coaster of a day!!<BR>I would be concerned by her behaviour, but taking a step back and trying to get some perspective is not a bad idea.<P>All I can really say is to hang in there. The fog seems pretty thick.<P>Thoughts and prayers are with you. And thanks for the tip.

LHS,<BR>I commend you my friend, for having your head screwed on so tightly. Most of us would have lost it and done some things that we might have regretted later on, but you, sir, seemed to have weighed all of your options and made the correct choice.<P>I'm afraid that if I had been in the same situation that I wouldn't have been so cool headed about it all and done something pretty disasterous to our M.<P><B>Bravo!</B><P>Thanks for the tips and ideas and keep up the clear thinking and smart moves.<P>Pops

Hi, <BR> You need to take control of the situations right now. I was posting here for a while but now i find myself posting in the pregnancy forum. Is that what you want? Trust me, you don't. Take control before your w does something really stupid like get pregnant like my H managed to do with OW. She is YOUR wife! NOT HIS. Confront her and tell her that she cannot live like she is married to another man and if this is her choice, then she should pack up her bags and leave, otherwise, tell her to be a wife to you and a a mother to your children. <BR> And most importantly, pray for her. She needs God in her heart. He is the only one who will change her sinful ways. You can't do it or else you already would have. So keep praying. God will help you because he loves you. I need to remind myself of that often.

I saw another correspondence between the two after I talked to OM's W, looks like W is the one trying to get the relationship going again, OM flat out told her no, says he doesn't want anything to do with her anymore, loves his W and to stop contacting him.<P>Given this and what I heard yesterday, I am starting to wonder if W has been telling me the truth about the A. I've also been thinking about those couple of instances in the past and think maybe there was at least 1 other PA and possibly another EA/PA a while back. Right now I am just going to sit on this information, I know that there will be a time and place to confront her with this, probably when the marriage counseling starts. I get the feeling that everything is starting to fall apart for her, OM probably has left her for good, I am out of the house, I think her friends are starting to distance themselves from all of this, and her family refuses to speak to her until she admits what she has done was wrong. She is all alone now. I'm going to still be there for her whenever she wants to talk and have not stopped Plan A'ing. It will be interesting to see what the next couple of weeks brings.<P>julia3, your right about taking control of the situation, that's why I called OM's W so that if he happened to be gone at night, she would know where he might be. Besides the pregnancy issue, there is the STD/HIV issue that we all have to worry about.<P>Pops and Needing, thanks for the support and encouragement. Is my head screwed on tight? I'm not sure, but I do know that I have a thick skull (that's what W tells me) so maybe that's what is absorbing all of these impacts. Today I am feeling a lot better about myself and the M, not so sure about W though, I think she is back in the fog again. Her wanting to get back with him makes no sense at all, but does any of this? I'm just thankful OM has realized what he did was wrong, hopefully it will snap W back into the real world.

Update, <BR>Another email was sent, this time from OM's W to W. I guess OM really is telling his W everything, she even attached a copy of the original 'interview' and follow-up emails so that W can't deny it. In a very nice way she told W to get over it and leave both of them alone. She also said that she should devote all her time and effort to fixing our M, like they are doing. It really looks like W's 'other life' has completely falling apart. Given all this, I now believe that it was W who pursued OM and not him taking advantage of her in a vulnerable state like she tells me. This sounds like classic denial, any thoughts?<P>I feel like such a jerk for getting this information like I am, but feel it is necessary, after all, she hasn't been a very moral person lately either, has she. Like I said, interesting to see what happens now. I think W is going to go into some serious withdrawal and denial now. Funny thing is, everyone who she thought she could trust for support is abandoning her now, except me, who has always been there for her. I wonder how long it will take for her to fully understand that? Is the fog finally beginning to lift for good?<P>I think I am going to increase the Plan A'ing now to prove to W that I am the one for her, always have, always will. Being separated doesn't help, but maybe being alone is what she needs to make her realize that the M wasn't all that bad after all and it still can work.

lhs,<P>Keep up the good work! <P><BR> <BR>who

Hi,<p>Don't mean to jump into your thread new on the forum. Would it be possible to let me know what this triangle you keep mentioning in your post.<p>Thank you,

JD5000

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by JD5000:
<strong>Hi,<p>Don't mean to jump into your thread new on the forum. Would it be possible to let me know what this triangle you keep mentioning in your post.<p>Thank you,

JD5000</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
JD,<p>Welcome and jump in anytime you want. It can be kinda scary to start posting but you'll soon get to know others. What's your story?<p>Here's the link:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=013093<p>
who