I found out about my husbands affair about five months ago. He told me at the time he was ending it. Which he did for a while. About three months later I found him with her again. He begged for one more chance. He told me he didn't know why he saw her again but that he would have nothing to do with her from then on. Things were going very well until Sept. 11. He is a police officer and was sent to the WTC on 9/11 where he was hurt. He was home for about five weeks and things were fine between us and then he called her and I found out. He started to pick fights with me and could not make up his mind about what he wanted to do, stay with me or leave. I finally told him to make up his mind that I would not try to stop him if he told me he wanted to leave. At this point I too was tired of feeling like I was the only person in our marriage working to save what we had. I told him if he left I would be fine without him and that what ever he wanted he would have to live with for the rest of his life. He went away for the weekend and when he came home we spoke for over three hours, something we hadn't done in months. He told me he wanted to stay but was affaid of hurting me again. He said he wanted to work to make our marriage work and could not understand why he had called the ow. He said he wanted to go for help, he wanted to see someone together and that he needed to see someone on his own too. He made the appt. the first thing Monday morning and since then we have spent a lot of time just taking and working together to make our marriage work again. They tell us that part of the reason he called her again after so long was because of what he had been though on 9/11. He has told me over and over again that she is not what he wants. I think by my telling him that if he wanted to leave I would do nothing to stop him he finally realize he had to do something. I told him that I was tired of having my life on hold. I also told him that someone at work had asked me out and that if he wanted to leave I would not be home crying over him. I would be going out and having a good time. I told him I was done crying over him and I was too young to give up on having a life. I wanted a life with him but if he didn't want to work to repair all the damage he had done why should I? We have gone to see the doctor together and he has been to his on his own and things seem to be looking up. So far he is more open with his feelings and willing to talk about what is wrong. I have hope for the first time in months and have been able to sleep. I know we still have a lot of work left but he seems to really want things to work now. Before he just seemed to be going along for the ride. I think that he had to hit rock bottom and relize that he was about to loss everthing before he became willing to try and make things work out. I know the road ahead is going to be rough but if he is willing to work hard so am I.

Hey Marie,
very similiar situation to mine. Had d-day July 16th. He said he ended it on 18th, didn't really act like it though...very ambivalent...I was definitely feeling hopeless - like the victim. Then on July 31st, PI I hired had pics and voice recording of him meeting OP that morning. I confronted him at home, basically stood up for myself...made it clear this was it - decide this minute what it's going to be...because I'm moving on with my life one way or another.
He contends that meeting with OP was very disjointing for him...that all day he had thought about it and had already come to the decision that he was ending it.
HOWEVER, I think it was excellent I found out, confronted him and was able to play an aggressive, "get your act together or get the H*** out" role - for both of us. Both of us realized (especially me!!) that I deserved respect, and by god, I was going to have it or else.
Things are also looking up for us. Good luck to you guys. You (as a couple) have been through so much this year. Hope next year is better for us both.
LLL

Its always good to hear that someone else is making it. I know that the road ahead will have a lot of bumps but I know that for me my marriage is very important, and I think that my husband knows how much it means to him now. How someone who claims to love you can hurt you so badly is still something I need to work on but I know that if he is willing to work so am I. I don't think things would be working now if I had told him back when I first found out about the affair to make a choice. I don't know if he was ready at that time to commit to making the marriage work. He is still trying to deal with the guilt for all the hurt he has caused to our family and I know that its hard for him sometimes, but its hard for me too. Now at least he is willing to talk not only to me but to the doctor, this is a big step for him. He was against seeing someone for help and now not only are we going together but he is seeing someone on his own. To me this is a big step and shows me how much he wants things to get better. I think that it was only when I reach the end, when I told him that I was done working alone did he realize that he was about to loss me. I had taken control of my life and told him that he could do what he wanted with his life I was tired of his flip flopping. He told me he didn't see a life without me and I told him work to prove it, and now he is. I pray that we can continue on this path and make our marriage a stong, happy one that will last forever. I hope you too will have a stronger marriage then before the affair.