Hi Friends In Infidelity,<p> This is really important to me and hopefully, there will be a few of you who can help me...<p> My dearest and best friend of 13 years is having an affair with a married man (she is not married). This affair has been going on since July 1999. I am one of the few people who know.
She thinks she loves him and he thinks he loves her, the w is clueless, i'm sure. It is such a difficult situation for me because my h had an affair and the ow is now almost 4 months pregnant. <p>I have told my bf how she needs to leave this married man alone, but she just is so sad because she thinks that he is so perfect for her and that they belong together, and that he loves her. I try to tell her that if he did, he would have left w. The man just keeps promising her that he will "do something" (like start the divorce) soon. And that he wants to be happy and that my bf makes him happy.<p>Well, here are my thoughts for this. I was hoping that we could all encourage her to do what is right. Yesterday, I took her to church and I saw her crying. Later that night on the phone, she said how sorry she was because she sees how much pain I am dealing with in my life as a result of an affair. She told me that she wanted to go up at the end of church and accept Jesus into her heart, she just couldn't get up out of her seat.<p>I told her about this site and to register to be a member. I was hoping that we could encourage her in whatever way. I know that this is an odd request, but I know how much this site has helped me, I just hope it can help her and save a marriage.<p>If you want to help, please address your reply's to "California". Thanks in advance.<p>Julia<p>[ October 29, 2001: Message edited by: mnca6713julia3 ]</p>

the first thing you should do is get her to accept Christ as her savior. She can do that anywhere. Then the Holy Spirit can deal with her heart, convicting her of this sin. Also let her see the damage that an affair causes a family. Most of all pray for her. Never accept the relationship she has with this guy. I am still pissed that a christian friend of my wife knew what was going on and even went out to dinner with them. A good friend will always stand for truth.<p>P.S. I hope your H will come to his senses and join you in Cal and work with you to build your Marriage. <p>Don

Champ,<p> I told best friend that accepting Jesus as Saviour doesn't have to take place in a church, that she could do it in her own home, privately. She knows that she needs to "do something", I just pray that she would trust God to deliver her from this (sin).<p> When she first told me of the affair, I wasn't standing firm as a christian friend who should have rebuked this from the start. But with God's help, she knows where I stand NOW! I don't accept this relationship and never will. <p> My H also has a christian friend, partner on duty when they work. This friend stood by and as my husband puts it, "ridded his hands of it". That pissed me off, too. I agree, as christian friends, we have to stand firm and not compromise for the ways of the world. <p> Thanks for the encouragement, Champ!
Julia<p>Open rebuke is better than secret love.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend;
Proverbs 27:5-6

You are right on the mark about the friend thing. When W was getting involved with OM, she had a friend that watched the whole thing develop from simple friendship to what it finally became. I asked W once if this friend ever told her it was wrong, "No" she says, "She just told me to be careful". Careful of what? Getting caught, getting AIDS? Whether this friend was a Christian or not, by definition being a friend should compel them to make a stand against this type of behavior, unless of course they are doing the same thing.<p>Is California reading these posts? It should be required reading because it shows the ugly side of what an affair does. Look at all these good people here and see the pain and torment that they are going through. See what the spouse of the OM/OW is going through. Read about the people who got, or are, pregnant from the affair. Did any of the betrayed spouses ask for this to happen, I don't think so, but now we are all having to deal with the results of such selfish actions. <p>Read about the number of times the OM/OW promised to leave their spouse and never did. Hear about all the lies and deceptions that have to take place for an affair to start and continue. I keep a daily journal of the pain I feel, I often wonder how it is that I get through it (but I know the answer to that).<p>My question to anyone having, or thinking of having a EA/PA. If this person was your spouse, what would you do (honestly). And, if you two did finally get together permanently, could you really trust them to be faithful to you after what they have done to their current spouse? Is this the kind of guilt you want to live with? Is this how you want to be thought of, to be remembered like?<p>Actually, I think this reply is more to my W than anything. How I wish she could have seen this 6 months ago.

California did read the posts today. She is planning on registering to this site. I just pray that we can be a resource in her steps to walk away from this affair. <p>One thing that I did tell her today is that she needs to know that God is not in favor of this relationship with married man. God is FOR the marriage, and we are not more powerful than God. Even if he were to leave his w, and be with my best friend, God will STILL deal with them, and i told her that "God is not one to be reckoned with".<p>Well, thanks for the responses. If you have any thoughts, suggestions, advice for "California" please reply as she is reading these. <p>God Bless, Julia

Julia,<p>Have your friend stop by this thread when she logs on. Tell her that we know she is probably afraid because this site promotes the saving of marriages. However, almost all would agree that a marriage isn't worth saving if both partners don't want it. I think she could get a good look at not only the destruction an A causes to a marriage and the people involved but to her. She has no idea what is going to happen to her when this hits the light of day and it probably will. <p>
California, <p>I want you to know that I'm not going to tell you your feelings for OM are not real. I'm sure you do love him. When you're together you're on top of the world right? The A is not real though. It is not real life. IF (and that's a big if) your lover where to make it out of his marriage and take you as his W then he would be bringing all his baggage with him. He has not learned how to make a marriage work. Why do you think he will suddenly know how to do this with you? If you really love this man then you should respect yourself enough to set some boundries. Let him get out of the M of his own free will and then if he comes to you you will know he loves you. He's cheating on you right now too. I don't care what he tells you about his marriage (and it's probably all negative) he's lying to you. He's not telling you about the good things he gets from his W. He's only telling you about the things he's not getting or about the things that bother him. What's going to happen when he discovers one of your bad habits? or that he has a need you don't provide? It won't even be your fault because you won't know. He won't tell you just like he won't tell his W now. He's the only one that can break the cycle. <p>I hope that you come online and share your story with us. I think we can all learn something from it because we get so few people in your position on this site.

Hi all!! I am new to this forum but felt compelled to reply. I had a bf whom I worked with at one time. She was living with a man but loved to go out and party with other men and flirt alot. She had several relationships with some of these men. I didn't really know the guy she was living with but eventually met him and came to like him. She pushed him into marrying her and I was the maid of honor at the wedding. By this time I had become engaged. It wasn't two weeks after the wedding that she resumed her relationships with these men. I told her that messing around while living with someone was one thing but after you have pretty much shoved the guy into marrying you. The affairs were NOT acceptable. She said she didn't see anything wrong with it. So therefore we are no longer friends or speaking to each other. I found out later (after we parted ways) she was still using me as an excuse to get out of the house. Her H has since divorced her. The ink on the divorce papers were not even dry and she was moved in with another man. Just had to add my two cents. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks for the responses, I know that "California" will be reading these tonight and I just pray that she takes these posts seriously. <p>"California",
You are my best friend and I only want to spare you more pain. There is someone out there for you, exclusively for you. And I know, am so confident, that if you pray to God for strength to END this, he is faithful to answer. I know that married man is not the man that God has waiting for you. The sooner you let married man go, the sooner God will send you whoever he has for you.
I do think that you should really start fearing God because like I said, even if married man does leave his w and marry you, God is JUST, which means that God will have to deal (discipline) with you and him. God loves you and doesn't want to "deal" with you, but would rather bless you because of your obedience. Email married man soon, today, and tell him that it is over. Don't waste another day, he doesn't care that he has kept you hanging by a string all these years. Cut yourself off from this and start living NEW. <p>Hope work went well today, call me tonight.
Love, Julia