First off I am new to this forum, so if I misuse acronyms please forgive me :-)<p>I have been married to my husband for 2 years now. Before we got married we were very good friends, I was in other relationships, and he was stuck on the last burns from a dead end long time relationship with a person that, according to him, was unbearale, and terrible.<p>We met each other through the internet, and we started as friends while he was living in the US and me in Europe. After a while he started to declare his feelings for me were changing, that he was falling in love with me. At the time I tried to make him dismiss it since I was already in a relationship and I didn't feel he was ready for any kind of commitment, since he seemed to act kind of obsessive about his ex.
He continued to try to convince me that he was through with that relationship and to please consider him and give him a chance, that he was very deeply in love with me and that he couldn't take me off his mind. Meanwhile my other relationship was stuck, since my bf was away and didn't have a way to communicate with me, and because we had agreed to give each other a long break and see who we could date and if we wanted to continue the relationship.
After a lot of thought I decided that indeed I really liked my H and ok I'd try.
We started "dating" through the internet, mainly talking and playing online games, and then talking on the phone for hours and hours every day. The relationship seemed to be growing strong, so i felt comfortable and fell very much in love, I just needed a little push of tenderness to do so anyways.<p>A month into our engagement he was already calling me wife, in front of anybody, his family considered me their in-law, and I had prospects to move to the US, leaving my family, friends, possesions and a promising career, all for him, all because I loved him more than anything.<p>A month into our engagement his ex (who was supposed to be just a friend), gave him a call asking him if she could come over and visit some friends and old professors and stay at his place. He then phoned me and asked me what I thought. I didn't want to be jealous or controling, I thought "Hey this is the man I am going to marry, if I don't trust him, then what the hell??", so I told him it was his call, that I loved him and trusted him completely.<p>He decided to let her come over and stay at his home. The first day he slept on the couch, everything went ok, I called him as much as always (3 times a day), we talked our regular 5 hours and then the next night he had sex with her ex. The next morning I phoned him, like always, to say good morning and that I loved him. Someone picked the phone, didn't talk and hung up. I tried again but nobody answered, so i thought he had left already,and that at first I had dialed the wrong number. Later that afternoon we talked on the internet, he was acting different, so I asked if someone was wrong, thinking his day at work had been hard (but scared since I hadn't been able to sleep at all that night, holding the phone on my hands, trying to decide if phoning him would damage our relationship, making him think I didn't trust him).<p>He told me finally that he was awfully guilty because he had shared bed with his ex (just shared bed, no sex, no nothing). I was hurt, but I didn't leave him, I thought that him feeling guilty enough just to torture himself about sharing a bed was more than enough proof that he could be a decent man.<p>Unfortunatedly I felt awful about this because in the back of the head I couldn't understand why he would do such a thing and something was telling me there was some detail hiding somewhere and that he didn't want to tell me.<p>Before I moved to the US he came to visit me after christmas, to meet me IRL for the first time, meet my parents and ask for my hand properly. We couldn't have a more wonderful time, we were actually so much in love (or at least i was), that when we saw each other for the first time at the airport it was like... if he had always known me and he had been gone just for a very long time.<p>It all went perfectly and when he went back I felt so lonely I asked if it was ok for me to move (telling him that if he didn't want to to not worry since I had to finish school anyways). He insisted on me moving with him, he bought my plane ticket and arranged everything. I was so happy!<p>Things changed radically when I arrived. He was always grumpy, I tried to dismiss it on his work, and I kept on trying my best to be a great wife. I did all the chores, I refined my cooking into the most elaborate dishes I could come up with, I tried to adjust to his tastes without loosing myself into it, I tried to be happy and always smiling and pretty when he was around, even though I missed my family, my friends, my school and my freedom, I was happy... because I was with the man I loved.<p>We got married after 2 months, in a very small and not pretty wedding (a friend of his organized it since he had a complete lack of interest about it, again i asked him what was wrong and if there was anything he should tell me, because I'd rather he called off anything than marrying an unwilling husband that would make me miserable forever). But he was smiling and seemed so happy I decided to set it all aside and be as happy as a bride can be.<p>A year after his ex had visited, for some reason, the night he cheated on me came into one of our chats, no resentment, just curiosity, he then admitted he had forgotten about me and thats why he had agreed to share bed with his ex, because "It was like the old days". I took this very bad, thinking my husband could completely forget about me, and it really caused a lot of long term damage to my self-steem as a wife, (I thought I never had been good enough, and since he stated he didn't know why it happened I thought it could happen any time if I wasnt good enough), this caused me to be depressed when alone, and into inflicting physical pain to myself, I started cutting my arms, my legs, and torso just to make the sense of failure and depression go away.<p>Another year passed, and by then my feelings of insecurity had changed, I was feeling better, just shaken by a miscarriage of a baby I really wanted to have, but trying to move on, starting school again and having great marks like before gave me a great boost to rebuild myself. Then, after a month into school he told me (because it came into our conversation, and it was sounding fishy) the truth, that he had had sex with his ex, because a part of him had wanted to get back with her, but that just after it happened, after they joked about it (ugh), he was brushing his teeth and felt awful, that he had lost me and that he didn't want to be with her.<p>Of course that sounds stupid now, since they continued to talk on the phone nearly everyday untill I came to live with him.<p>With this revelation on came "new info" about his past, awful things he had done (related to relationships, including an affair with another married woman who was family to him and way older than him, but that took place years before we met, BUT that is a problem since everybody on his family knew and treated me with pitty because of etc), and that I just can't finish to swallow.<p>I have lost my life, my family and friends for the last two years. Anything good we ever did was contaminated by his bad mood caused by being always lying to everybody and his "traumas" on relationships, which he could have told me about mind you!<p>He has really made me go through an extended hell of doubt about myself, or building myself and tearing me down because he wasnt happy enough, and as much as I ask and try to understand... he says all I did was be a wonderful wife and do all that he ever wanted me to do or be, that he always thought I was the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes upon, the greatest wife-lover-friend he could find, just that he was a sick sick man and that he thought he was loving me while he was hurting me untill I wanted to die.<p>I am tired, confused, lost and in despair, I have suicidal thoughts every day. I feel like I am trapped with a stranger and that my life is a lie. i feel lonely I need help... I want to start all over again and have the life I think I deserve, he wants to commit so badly he has told everybody what he did and even when everybody was terribly mad at him for hurting me (yes including his very own sisters), he thinks that is not punishment enough.<p>I know all of this happened a long time ago, but it has just tainted all of our life together so far, it has destroyed me and i don't know how to stand again and live my life.<p>I am scared, I can't even let my husband touch me since everytime he does or I am alone, or try to study and concentrate I keep thinking on him and his ex or him and his relative sleeping together and it is so sickening I can't retain any food anymore.<p>This obsessive thinking is driving me insane. Please help!

Lost wife,
Boy, what a tough spot you find yourself in. Unfortunately that is the trend these days is people marrying for wrong reasons and really not knowing what they are getting into or what it REALLY takes to make a marriage work. <p> You are so young and probably rushed into a marriage that you thought would be different. But reality hit and you are now realizing how difficult marriage, life - for that matter, can be.

I don't know where you are in your spiritual walk with God, or even if you believe in anything related to having faith in a higher power, but let me just start by telling you that God is the ONE who created marriage, it is His creation, His idea, if you will. So with that, God wants to be and should be the center of your relationship. If he is not, and I know because I was there too, then that is when the damage and evil enter and destroy a marriage. <p> I would just have to encourage you at this early stage in your marriage to ask God to reveal himself to you and to begin reconciling your marriage. Even if you view your marriage as a mistake, God allowed it and he expects us to take care of it, love our spouses, and especially pray for them. If it is your desire to save your marriage, God can help you, he really can.<p> Wow, you are so young. I am sorry that you are going through this pain right now. We are all here at this site because we are dealing with something similar (my h had affair and now ow is 4 mo. pregnant, so you see, we each have to find strength somehow, I find it in God). <p> Prayers and Hugs,
Julia

Lost girl,
My last relationship before my marriage sounds a lot like yours. He was my "soulmate" we had the same interests and thoughts, same sense of humor blahblah.
I had fleeting moments of clarity - why did he... thats odd.... oh no he would never.....
He came accross the continent to take me out West with him, so romantic, we talked for hours on the phone every day.
Needless to say it was a fantasy not reality. He was (is?) an alcoholic from a really messed up family life. I could not "fix" him.
I had to leave because the relationship was making me "sick".
You have real problems, you know this. Self mutalation is very serious and now you have progressed to suicidal thoughts. Please get help today!!!!!
He cannot help you - he is broken.
You cannot help him - you are broken.
Your relationship is like an affair in that it is built on fantasy not reality, you already know that to leave him you would go through "withdrawel" it will be hard but you must save your life.
Your family would probably love for you to come home, they could care for you for a while, until you have clarity of thought.
Please pick up the phone and call a crisis line tonight!!!!
You see no way out but believe me you can make it and have a happy life, let someone help you !
Good Luck, dont give up.
Please post again saying you called for help so I wont worry about you. I usually post in recovery happened to see your post. Your problem is not infidelity, it is much deeper.

Sadprincess,<p>I hope y'all don't mind me jumping in on this discussion, but I read your reply and something struck me as oddly familiar. Your comments about the pre-M relationship, he was your 'soulmate', same interests and thoughts, same sense of humor. When W finally fessed up to me about the A, those were her exact same words, even added "how could I not fall in love with him, he was exactly like me" Heard it for almost 2 weeks straight, made me sick to my stomach. I'm just curious if you felt that was really true or if it was a fantasy thing of some kind. How do you feel about him now, still a little the same? Have you run into anyone else on these boards who felt the same way? I thought W really meant it, but I see this and begin to wonder… Any comments on this by anyone would be greatly appreciated.<p>Lostwife,
Listen to sadprincess and get some help right now. I felt myself losing it (thought I was becoming delusional) and finally went to the doctor. They put me on an antidepressant and it has done wonders for my mental, emotional and physical well being. Stay strong, you can do it.

lOST WIFE -HELLO???? (WORRIED LOOK)

Love her still,
this is difficult, you know admitting my weakness or stupidity or whatever but here goes.
I met old boyfriend on internet, friend of friend thing. I talked to him everynight increasingly for hours. For me this is powerful stuff - I dont know if it was the anonymity or what, but we talked and talked. I f I would have written a script I couldnt have made him say more perfect words. I flew out to meet him, we went to the ocean (my favorite) went tide pooling(he knew all about the critters, everything was perfect, PERFECT! or was it
A few "clues" came up but were easily explained and really he was sooo perfect for me.
He was just like me.
Oh ya then real life showed up.
He is an alcoholic. I stay away from drinkers and he knew it so he hid this really well. He also smoked (who knew on the phone).
I overlooked and overlooked because he was "perfect" for me and he would change with time and LOVE.
Boy did he.
He lost everything,its a sad stupid story.
It ended up he was making me have sick thoughts and I had to leave - like a scared rabbit I ran,leaving all my stuff, which Im sure he pawned.
Through all this you may think my #1 need is conversation - its not -its honesty.
Talking on internet and phone made it easy to tell secrets - which I now realize feel like honesty to me. He told of his family life, hurts,etc. I felt like if he could trust me with these things then I WAS THE ONLY ONE he could be honest with - blah blah
I know this relationship was a farce, I know he was very bad for me, I know even with an unfaithful H I am better off, I know it wouldnt have ever worked. What do i feel? I remember the trip and the way we laughed.... I guess my point is IT WASNT REAL. The part I miss was a fantasy - I know this and yet would still be vulnerable to him.
I still feel like - if he would have quit drinking and his self image improved..yada yada but in my head I know even if he would have quit drinking he was broken - he was broken as a child and I couldnt fix him, no one could, I would have been miserable with him.
Do not dwell on these things she says, it is only make believe, you are real.
Funny I do not believe my H is anything like me,but I know he protects me and loves me, and I am supposed to be with him, its a happy family. With other guy it was either really really good or really really really bad, not a comfortable place to spend the rest of my life.
Hope this made some sense.

Sadprincess,
Thanx, that does help. What you said about the fantasy makes sense to me. W would have found OM repulsive in any other circumstance because of the things he did. He cheats on his W (not just with W, but did it at least once before), thought he used drugs, thought he may have some psychological problems, drinks a lot, lies, ignores his W and family, etc. That's what I find so hard to understand, but then again, what is there to understand about all of this. Looking back, W really was in a fantasy world, how hard that must be to have to watch it all fall apart so quickly and realize that for now, W has nothing.

Lost wife?????
Where are you????
Are you ok???<p>LHS, glad it helped, I thought about it all day how stupid I was. I would have never wanted to have children with boyfriend,not a good father. My H is wonderful father.
It was a sick relationship so intense. Dont worry yourself about how wife could feel these things for him - she will see, she really already knows - but how do you admit you were duped and acted like a fool???and still would go back for more degredation because of some sick magnet!
Let her know you have seen her at her worst and at her best and you still love her.
I guess I have an understanding of fantasy world OW created for my H.<p>Lost girl I will be away till Sun. you are in my prayers. Please let me know your ok.

Here Lost reporting...
I am ok... still hanging, not feeling too well most of the time, but keeping myself busy with school work helps.<p>I have been wondering if this marriage is at all worth saving, if he is ever going to change, if he is ever truly sorry...<p>We had a crisis the other night, we were talking about what he wanted that i didn't give him during the A and all this time we have been together, when he was thinking about other people while we had sex, etc etc. He said he didn't know, and that he wasn't sure what had been wrong, I didn't believe him, then we jumped into another discussion about his affair with his relative and how it was sick, we had our disagreements, it frustrated me inmensely so i decided to just... end, got a couple of sharp scissors and proceeded to injure myself as badly as I could.<p>He found out, came nearly tearing the door appart, took the scissors off my hand and proceeded to demostrate how much he cared of me, to the point he would rather hurt himself than see me hurt in any way, (he made several cuts on his arm).<p>I cried, he cried, and decided it was the most stupid thing any of us could do.<p>I am still trying, but I am not sure what to do.

Lost,
Have you thought about going home for a visit?
Have you called anywhere for help yet??
You know this behavior you have is not normal.
Just like two alcoholics cannot help each other you and he cannot help each other. you both need professional help ASAP
Please before someone gets really hurt, and Im afraid it will be you.
You cannot work on marriage until you are both whole, you cannot love each other when you both hate yourselves.
Why do you feel the need to be punished?
Please get help today!!

Well I am doing much better now, I will call for help as soon as I have money to afford some, bad thing of being broke and depressed all at the same time.<p>We have been doing a lot of progress lately, and my H is really willing to help.
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Alostwife,
OK, here are some actions you can take..
1. Go to your school's student health center..they will probably be able to set you up with some sort of support.<p>2. If you prefer not to do that, the next time you cut yourself or get suicidal go to the nearest hospital emergency room..they will refer you to services.<p>3. Call the closest women's shelter. they will give you a safe place to stay and also set you up with counselling services. Most emergency rooms, Family Planning Clinics can give you the number.<p>4. Since you are probably not a citizen, you are worried about medical coverage. Most states have immigration services that will pay for this. You might also want to contact immigration services for help to get home.<p>5. What's the status with your family? Do they know what's going on? Do they know about the self mutilation and suicidal thoughts? Have you told anyone? Have you told his family?<p>Take care of yourself mentally first and get help. Marriage rebuilding or dissolving is secondary.<p>T

Just checking in on Lost one,
you OK?