I am new so go easy on me. But I need advice - and not from my family. Married 6 years, relationship for 10 years, 6 months pregnant with 1st. H having "forbiden friendship" with co-worker. We are in our second week of seperation, H staying with parents and both families know. I am still dealing with the lies but he now wants to join me in therapy but goes back and forth between wanting to work things out and walking away. I am committed to my marriage and am still in love with H, but have been hurt many times - this is the first time he has cheated, or come this close. He has cheated in my eyes, he still claims that nothing physical has happened. How do you ever get the trust back?

IAM,<p>Welcome to MB. The BEST advice I can give you is READ EVERYTHING ON THIS SITE! The articles, the FAQs, everything. Post to and read these forums often....fyi the general questions II forum has more traffic than this one, so if you're desperate for guidance, try a post over there too.<p>You are right, just because H hasn't had a PA (physical affair), that doesn't mean he hasn't been unfaithful. EA's (emotional affairs) are just as hurtful for the BS (betrayed spouse). Know that there are some wonderful people who here who will help you through this.<p>Read up on Plan A and implement it- know that this plan is intended to make YOU a better, stronger person. The motivation for these changes has to be for YOU, and not for H. Expect NOTHING in return, and you just might get EVERYTHING.<p>Post on this site to try to get referrals to a marriage counsellor who teaches the MB principles. Anything else will only do your marriage a disservice (in my opinion). Normal marriage counsellors have an aweful track record in saving marriages, and have only hurt my own marriage (WS moved out after two "marriage counselling" sessions, some help).<p>God bless you.
Kev

This site has done wonders for me. I recommend visiting this site quite often. I have received great feedback from friends who type words of love and encouargement. It would be nice if you could convince your WS to visit also. This way he can read about the pain an A inflicts on loved ones and those who care so much. I like you am having a hard time convincing my WS to accompany me to a marriage counseler. She has finally agreed to come. For me this is a very big step for her and our relationship. This woman has put me through hell but, she is blessed with my love and forgiveness and if she want this relationship I am her to help mend things anew. If you can get your H into counseling by all means do! He needs someone or something to open his eyes up and show him he has a loving W and family in his corner. Don't forget to shwo yourself love also. Sometimes we get caught in trying to love others and save our M we forget to love ourselves. I was very depressed and alomst to the point of taking my own life for some reason I woke up and remembered to love myself first. Most off pray pray pray and with some effort on your part the Lord will bless you and your family.<p>Keep your head up, <p>IFIONLYNEW [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

I know its hard to deal. You need to take care of you and that baby. Our situations are very simular. I pray things work out for you and your family.....

You haev gotten some great advice so far. Also, get a support base - friends, family, church, bibke study, prayer. I too am in my 6th month - although this is #4 for me, and I know how hard it is to go through this pregnant. Remember - and I know this will be hard - but remember to try and take care of yourself and the baby. You need to eat, exercise and sleep. If you don't feel like it - get a family member or buddy to help you. You will need alot of emotional support now, especially with all of the hormones in your system. It also help to focus on getting ready for the baby, who will be such a joy to both of your lives. Keep posting with questions. There is a wealth of wisdom here. K

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I have read a lot of what is on the website and am trying to enact Plan A. But this is not so cut and dry. He still claims that nothing physical has happened, only talk and dates (lunch & dinner). He says that he realizes that I am what he wants and he wants to work things out. But he will not quit his job. He claims that he has made it very clear to her that their relationship is now just professional at work - no outside phone calls or lunches or dinners. He let me check his voicemail all weekend and their where no calls. But he just called me and told me that he did hear from her on his way to work this morning (she is off today) and that she called hime to tell him that her boyfriend beat her up and that they were now broken up. He refuses to quit his job for the following reasons, we need the money with the baby coming and for the addition we are in the middle of putting on our house, he is doing better than he ever has (100% commission), it is a great company, and supposedly there is nothing going on with him and the OW. He claims that even if there were, not working at the same place would not stop things. I am really confused about what to do. This is not so cut and dry. I did not catch him in the act - I have no solid proof of anything, just lots of lies, and his admission that he wanted to be with her. Not to mention the baby on the way.

Our situations are very similar. I too tried to Get plan A into action. Its not easy...OW is at work also, I found out they did lunch last week and he did the inviting, but he says that doesn't count because there was 2 other people there. H says because they work together, plan A won't work for him...If you need to talk, I'm here..

Iamlost and Arpow
Remember that Plan A isn't for WS, its for you mainly, as is everything else you do right now. No, its not easy, but I know that from experience that it does get a bit easier with time. I have found with my W (the WS), the best Plan A was just to leave her alone and not bring up the A unless she did first, and then only talk about what she wanted to talk about. So if WS says Plan A doesn't work for them, don't give up.<p>And why does the OM/W have to always be someone you can't get away from (mine is our neighbor, what an uncomfortable situation)?<p>Iamlost, think about what H just did with letting you look at his phone records and telling you that OW just called, I think he is trying to rebuild some trust with you. Be cautious though, but it is a positive sign. What OW told H will be a big test for him, I'm sure that she is trying to get him back, pay attention to how he reacts and which way he goes. I am always so busy looking for some big sign from W telling me things are going to work out that I miss all the little ones.<p>I firmly believe that the only way you can reconcile and forgive an A is to break off all contact, ALL contact. My W still listens to a CD that OM made for her (still an emotional contact to me) so I know that she still isn't over him and we really can't move on yet. H is still in the fog and doesn't see that even casual meetings still aren't acceptable. Your in a tough spot with the money and all. That's one thing I think you both will need to come to an agreement with. Definently set some boundaries with this issue soon.<p>I have to constantly remind myself that there is nothing I can do to end the A, it has to die a natural death. Use this time wisely to do some serious self-evaluations and self-improvements. We can only make ourselves better people, WS's are going to have to do it by themselves, but we can help them if they ask.