<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by ausinfidel:
[q]Julia,<p>My wife says that she feels that she is the luckiest woman on earth. I tell her every day just how wonderful she is, how much I love her and I do anything I can for her.<p>ANd now i realise the error of my ways and am giving up something i care deeply for in order to give my wife the loyalty she also deserves.[/q]<hr></blockquote><p>
Except tell her the truth.............<p>Now before you think I'm getting nasty, I just want you to think about this:<p>When, NOT IF, she finds out that is going to be the first thing she throws back in your face. Take it from a BS, and I'm sure others will agree, this is the trust you are destroying. The longer you wait the worse it's going to be. I can hear it right now, "You told me you can do anything for me!!! Why couldn't you tell me the truth!! (dish sails over head and breaks against the wall) I can't believe I was so stupid. And with my FRIEND!! Did you really think I would never find out!?! I can't believe I had to find out this way!!! My life is a lie!! I hate you! I never want to see you again!! Get out you A$$&*l%!!!!!<p>Please do not turn this around and say I'm angry. My tactics may be questionable. That I will admit. I just think you and your W are in for a big hurt if you think you can rebuild a marriage by sweeping it under the rug. It's always going to be looming out there.<p>One question for you. You've commented on your W's lack of fullfilling your SN. Now that you've broken it off with OW what are you going to do about this? That is a problem that you need to bring up otherwise you're going to find yourself in this same position again. Don't sweep that one under the rug either. <p>
Ausin, You really are on the right path. Your heart is good. I commend you for your strength so far. You may be totally convinced you are right by not telling her and you might (big might) never get caught. I respect your decision and this is the last you will hear from me about that decision. I just wanted to try one more time to open your eyes. On one of your other threads another WS (maybe you) talked about how they knew of other men and women that had one night stands that never told their spouses and the M survived. I think you are doing yourself a disservice if you compare your A to a one night stand. You were/are in love with OW and had a long term relationship. Most would say that your M has bigger issues to deal with because of the length and intensity of the A. Just something to think about.<p>
who<p>[ November 07, 2001: Message edited by: whothehellisshe ]</p>

Austin, I totally agree with whothehellisshe . I would suggest you inform your W before she finds out on her own. Myself being a BS, though the news would not have been nice I would have perfered that my WS informed before I found out on my own. I would now feel more secure if she would have came foward. This at least shows a sign of regret and a sign that you have ended the A with the OW. We here can only suggest and reccomend using our past and present experiances. You must make this decision on your own. We pray and hope that you make the right decision in the best intrest of you and your family.<p>Good Luck and May God Bless!

AUS,<p>I understand your feelings. Agree with some of what others have said, but don't with others.<p>First statement I disagree with: Someone said "You said that your family needs it (blessings)right? -Well, your actions decide whether or not they receive these blessings." <p>According to the word of God, that is NOT A TRUE STATEMENT. God gives his blessings. We don't earn them. Your actions DO NOT decide if your family receives Blessings from the Lord.<p>To tell or not to tell? While Harley says to tell MANY other counselors DO NOT recommend this. They say it causes more harm than good. That it puts just another obstacle in the road of your marriage. Yes. It would make you feel better to relieve your guilt, but I guarantee it would not make her feel better or your children. <p>I might add that if you want your marriage to work you must never talk to your OW again. I do understand how hard this is. I feel your pain. While most here do not want to acknowledge your pain, it is real and you deserve, as a fellow Christian, to have your pain recognized. And yes, even to receive sympathy. No one deserves to suffer. <p>Peace be with you and yours.

Austin,
I hear what you're saying and know your pain. I have been in an all to similar situation. I have been the OP on 2 occasions in my life. <p>The first time I had NO idea that the man I was with had a finace. On the second occasion the two of us made a consciencous decision to pursue and EMA. What seemed like "soul mates, amazing love, etc" became both of our nightmare.<p>The EMA has ended and I am now in a relationship with a single and appropriate person. The MM in my situation is still with his wife [god bless them]. I honestly wish them all of the luck and love in the world. It's not an easy situation though and I feel your pain.<p>You may do well to check out gloryb.com. Look for the new bullien board.

I should also add that I think that EMA's are addictive the same way bulimia and drug addiciton are. So it makes since that you still desire contact with a situation that is SO very painful.<p>My xMM and I had a very non-traditional agreement where seperation is concerned.<p>We were both in a lot of pain the the end and made the decision to end as friends. we each sought the guidance most appropriate for us. We did 35 days of no contact. Followed by 35 days of once a week 5 minute phone conversations. [I just needed to know that he was ok.] Now I call him when I want to and he calls me when he wants too.<p>The difference is that it's actulaly rare that I ever wnat to speak to him. And he almost never calls me. I guess that's as natual a death as you could expect under the circumstance.<p>I like the idea that I can call and say "are you ok." And it lets me see him in a more realistic light. I don't have him on any great pedestal. He's just a regular guy. No longer my guy. Just my distant friend.<p>I'm probably gonna get flamed, but thought you could use another POV in here.
Peace

tks katie

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Katie Scarlett:
<strong><p>I like the idea that I can call and say "are you ok." And it lets me see him in a more realistic light. I don't have him on any great pedestal. He's just a regular guy. No longer my guy. Just my distant friend.<p></strong><hr></blockquote><p>No flame just a question:<p>What are you going to do if/when he says he's not ok?<p>
who

I was his friend and confidant LONG before I was his lover. And truely there have been times when he was not [emotionally] ok. I have offered words of kindness and friendship. And THAT's IT!<p>I guess I should define ok. I meant alive. [He has a medical condition].

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Katie Scarlett:
<strong>I was his friend and confidant LONG before I was his lover. And truely there have been times when he was not [emotionally] ok. I have offered words of kindness and friendship. And THAT's IT!<p>I guess I should define ok. I meant alive. [He has a medical condition].</strong><hr></blockquote><p>What if he needs/wants more? <p>Does your new boyfriend approve of this?<p>
who

There have been many occasions over the years that he was wanted more and I have refused. So i'm honestyly not worried about that.<p>My new boyfriend knows about him. He knows that we are friends and I have been honest with him re: xMM. I told him that I still love MM but am no longer in love with him.<p>We have had MANY frank and revelaing discussions about that relationship. He tells me that he trusts me and I respect and appreciate that trust. If there came a time that he was not ok with my contact of xMM then that's something that we'd have to deal with.<p>Whenever I speak to xMM I tell my current boyfriend. He has not requested that I do so, but I think it's important that we be really honest with one another.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Katie Scarlett:
<strong>There have been many occasions over the years that he was wanted more and I have refused. So i'm honestyly not worried about that. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Katie,<p>It's good to hear that you and new boyfriend can talk about it and be open with it. You are setting up some very healthy habits. Keep that honesty and openess. <p>
One thought. I don't question your motives or your ability to say no to mm.
Step outside and look at what you said. To me it sounds like MM has always wanted you. As long as you talk to him, deep down in his heart he will always wonder. If he really doesn't have a chance with you the best thing you could do would be to leave him behind. I know it sounds cruel and I know you care about him. If he keeps wanting more he's not letting you go in his heart. Do you want him to live his life that way?<p>Again, just something to think about. I really have no idea if this is the case or not. I hope I didn't offend.<p>
who

Ausinfidel,
Another reason you need to tell your W is because it will IMPROVE your health. The lies and guilt will eventually break you down physically. <p> I am the BS, my H, when I pieced together the Eas, and found emails confirming the PA, still would not admit to it at first. He's 43 years old. He was having chest pains, shortness of breath, acid reflux, etc. Highblood pressure, etc. I told him that his problems were probably all stemmed from the guilt. We took a walk in the woods, maybe a half mile from our house. He confessed everything finally, we walked another hundred yards where he leaned against a tree and promptly fainted. I thought for sure he had a heart attack and was in a quandry to leave him to get help or stay with him. Scared the death out of me!!! He came to in a few seconds (seemed like eternity) and he lay there for awhile while I took his pulse. He said he just felt so relieved that he finally came clean with me. He said "God was punishing him by all the symptoms above and I told him nonsense. Those symptoms are the consequences of the actions you chose to take. They have nothing to do with God." It still took him another 6 weeks to give up all contact with her. Meanwhile I had gotten tested for every STD I could as the OW who was "so in love with him" was a confirmed lesbian.<p>I agree with everyone else that if you don't have honesty with your W, it ain't ever gonna work. You haven't had "Honesty" with OW either as the relationship has been based on lies. NO CONTACT, means no contact. Move on and rebuild your marriage while you have the chance. Not everyone gets the chance. If you realize the treasure you have at home, then take care of it.
Mikkey

No contact is soooo hard

Ausinfidel,
If you are really commited to no-contact then you're going to need a LOT of support in that.<p>ENlist the help of friends, family, whomever you can. You need to surround yourself with like minded yet non-judgemental people.<p>When I first had a non-contact agreement I made a deal with a friend of mine. Everytime I wanted to pick up the phone and call him I picked up the phone and dialed a friend. It helped me get out of MM head, I conntected with people that I hadn't spoken to in a while and often left me with a smile on my face.

Katie,<p>This hurts more than admitting you have and beating bulimia and you seem to know how much that hurts.