To all us "Just found outs"<p>I haven't been lurking around this forum for a while and thought I would check-in. The last few days have been real good, made some serious deposits in the Love Bank this weekend and W told me how much she appreciated it. I told her about some books I was reading on affairs and what kinds there are and she immediately asked me if I knew what kind of A she had, kinda caught me by suprise. We talked quite a bit about A's but nothing specific about us, still felt good to just be able to talk about it. A lot of things have happened the last couple of weeks that show me she is coming out of the fog. I think my finally deciding to quit worrying about W and focus on me has made a huge difference.<p>One thing I have noticed is that W is very impatient and quick to anger. I haven't been controlling myself real well during these times, have to work on that. But, when the confrontations start, they stop a lot sooner than before and we both apololgize to each other for it.<p>I get to go meet with the counselor today and discuss boundaries for each other. I'm not sure what to expect from that, I don't want to come across as a jerk, trying to control W, but I don't wan't to be a doormat either. On thing I have realized is that I was/am a "yes dear" guy, I will agree with W just to avoid any kind of conflict. I may have made it easy for her to get involved with OM by doing that, I just let her go and didn't tell her how I really felt about her being gone all the time or ask her what she was doing.<p>Right now I'm taking Pops advice and enjoying these good times because I know real soon we are going to be dealing with the heavy stuff. I've been reading a lot of books about A's and how to recover from them. Its helping me cope with my feelings and how I can be constructive during the recovery process. I have had a sense of calm these last few days, it seems like I have moved from the initial shock and uncertainity to self realization and self improvement. What a crazy ride this has been.<p>Pops, Who and Julia3 (thanks for the WS insight), I hope things are going well for you all. What an adventure, this is the real Survivor series!

lhs,<p>I have to say that you've been real steady. I just wanted you to know that. No matter what happens with your M I think you're going to turn out for the better. Be proud of that because it's all your own doing!!!!!<p>I'll try to post later with an update of my own. <p>
who

Just some personal observations I have made during these last 40 days (its only been that long?) that I thought I might share. Most is my thinking on MB principles. Hope this helps someone.<p>- The A (PA or EA) has to die a natural death before recovery on either side can begin, you can't make it stop on your own so don't even try. Until ALL contact is stopped, recovery cannot begin. My W stopped the PA soon after it happened, but the EA continued until OM finally 'dumped' W for his W and family, then W wrote OM a nasty email 'dumping' him (remember high school?). This convinced me that it was indeed finally over and some great strides towards recovery have happened since then.<p>- Snooping is necessary, BS's need to know what they are up against. But, don't let it become an obsession. Obsession, like an addiction, its self-destructive. You only need to know if the A is continuing, the gory details should be addressed later. I fell into that trap early on and it almost ruined me and any chance of the M working out.<p>- Until the A is completely over and WS begins to come out of the fog, there is nothing you can do for them. Plan A, but remember it is really for yourself. Be careful not to smother them or push them farther away. Pay attention to the reactions you get from WS while Plan A'ing. In my case, the best Plan A was to just be a friend, not a husband.<p>- Use your time wisely while WS is still in the fog. Come to MB often, read everything you can about A's, how they happen, the mechanics of them, how to deal with your feelings and how to recover from them. Do it as a personal goal, not for WS. The more you know about how and why you feel the way you do, the easier it will be to come to terms with these feelings. You will be way ahead of the game when you two start to work on the M. <p>- Use the triangle model, it really works. I believe it was 'Who' who did such a great job of explaining it to me. <p>- Use these forums, there are a lot of wonderful people here who have been through the exact same thing you are going through. These people have saved me many times. Thanx again Pops, Who and Julia3 <p>- The A is not the problem, it is a symptom of much deeper issues. A's don't "just happen", there is a reason they evolve. Don't try and put a band-aid on a broken arm, it wont heal properly. It is going to take a lot of time and hard work to get through this. This is not the end of the world but an opportunity to regain the love, passion and commitment you both took for granted and make the marriage a better place for yourself and your family.<p>In the book "Affairs" by Emily Brown, there is a chapter that talks about what makes for a "successful affair" (sounds like an oxymoron). One indicator of a "successful affair" is that the affair is 'part of your history, but not controlling your present'. Someday I hope W and I can reach that point.

WOW!
Did I type that in my sleep?<p>LHS, I had the same kind of weekend! We chatting on the computer from separate rooms, but we communicated just the same. She told me about how she was played for a fool by OM and how she feels like **** because she fell in love with him. She also told me about the ongoing EA that she is having right now online, and how she really wants to meet this guy but she thinks that she (and my e-mail) have scared him off!<p>I've also been a stranger to the forum for a few days now. I've been working out harder and longer, and since my job change, things with my personal self have been great. The hours make it impossible for us to see each other though, and that's going to make it tough. I've banked some serious deposits though, just by listening to her and actually understanding where she was coming from. I also spent some time with her last weekend and deposited lots into her LB.<p>I'm not one to "forgive and forget", and I'm still questioning my desire to be with her even if I could. But I'm taking care of myself right now, and the things that I hold close to me in my life. I understand that triangle theroy more now than when my head wasn't in the game.<p>I have to likewise show my appreciation for those of you who have helped me through these trying times...and WHO, LHS...you guys are the best! One day, when all is said and done...we need to get together for a beer!<p>Pops

pops,<p>
Your W is ready to have an online affair......<p>
WITH YOU!!!!<p>
Give it a try. Stay away from your M problems when talking with her online. Let her lead.<p>
who

Pops,
What you said about 'forgiving but not forgetting' is 100% correct. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting, it means putting the past behind you and not letting it dictate the future. You should always have an understanding about what happened so the same mistakes are not repeated.<p>I saw this link on the "In recovery" forum about forgiveness. I've read it a couple of times, I think it can be a help to all of us.<p>http://members.aol.com/avpsyrich/forgive.htm<p>Having an online A with your W. I love it!! I hope someday W and I can have an A together, they are the best kinds.