I can't believe I'm finally getting the courage to write this. I've been checking out the site for 2-3 weeks. I think Dr. Harley's system makes a lot of sense. Reading the posts has been very comforting, as I see there are so many out there going through a rough time. <p>I'm 33 (see login name), have 2 beautiful kids, S9 & D7, and a wife of 10 yrs that I love dearly. We married fairly young (22 & 20). The first 7 years were great, I thought, although W had a few bouts with depression off and on. About 3 years ago, some stuff with my career went wrong and I started to question my belief system. Since I'm very introverted & shy, I kept the feelings to myself since I was ashamed and didn't want to trouble W. <p>W about 2 years ago decided she was making some changes in her life. She started exercising, lost weight, cut her hair and became a fitness instructor. She also got medication for depression, which helped her make the changes. I tell myself I was supportive through all this, but I think I secretly resented the changes and felt threatened. My self-esteem which was already extremely low, suffered further.<p>Around February this year, we finally got hooked up to the Internet. W immediately took to chatting, spending hours online. It was distressing at first, but I figured she needed some time to herself. She ended up meeting a guy who she had an EA with for 4-6 months. She at first realized what she was doing was getting out of control, so she told me about it. She was surprised at my calm reaction. I think I even said, "Well, if you need to be happy and I'm not doing it for you, maybe you need this guy." What an idiot! I think my mindset was that if he met some of her emotional needs, that would take the pressure off me. Nice, huh? <p>So, of course, it escalates, OM flies out to meet WS and they spend a day together. She had told me she had a convention to attend, but later told about their meeting. I think I finally woke up. At first it was shock--I was literally shaking as she told me. Then slowly some anger replaced the shock and I had an outburst. She actually took that as a positive sign, that I cared. We went to counseling a few times. WS didn't like the counselor. I stuck with him for several sessions, but quit after I felt I wasn't progressing and didn't feel I could afford the expense. WS has found another counselor that she sees about general emotional issues, which I think is good since it gives her someone who is non-judgmental to talk to. <p>This summer, we (all four of us) vacationed in another state with the parents & in-laws. I spent two of the four weeks here working, flying back & forth by myself. While WS was away, we talked every day and got really close. When I returned, I made it a point to look as good as possible at the airport. She jumped into my arms and it was wonderful. We generally had a great time together. <p>Through this whole thing, we've gotten to know each other so much better. We've gotten away on weekends and have done a lot of things we didn't do in the first 10 years of M. We've fought, talked, laughed, cried and I think developed a much stronger bond. That leads me up to now: the idiot (me) six months ago didn't seem to care about the relationship, all of a sudden cares and doesn't want this good thing to end.<p>OM and WS were chatting, e-mailing, talking on the phone probably daily through the entire time. About 2 mos. ago, she had told me communication had stopped, that she was no longer e-mailing. I don't know why, but I peeked in a journal she had been keeping. I discovered she was still phoning & e-mailing. I think the EA was fading somewhat, but the habit was still there. I finally had a really angry outburst, called her names, demanded that she get OM on the phone. She refused. We both broke down & cried. I promised not to invade the privacy, she promised not to call. <p>Since then, I think the 1st EA has faded further, although I think new ones are developing. I think they're more dangerous because the OM(s) are in this area. I'm pretty sure she has met or is meeting someone in person. One is a minister she met chatting. She visited his church one Sunday, using the cover of going to a luncheon with a girl friend. So I'm back to snooping. I broke the promise of invading privacy and now sometimes feel compelled to snoop. The most shocking thing I've found is an envelope of letters & pictures from the first EA. The whole thing became so real! She gave her soul to that b******d! She sent quasi-naked pictures in lingerie to him (some that I had taken). I also discovered that during the vacation above she went to visit him for a day, I think to "say goodbye". So I don't know if there's been a PA. I suspect there's been some quasi, Bill Clinton-like sex. <p>So I've discovered the above stuff after the fact about 1st EA/PA and now I see new relationships starting. I've found cell phone numbers. She's e-mailing back and forth a lot and I suspect she's meeting OMs during the day. After seeing the evidence from the 1st EA/PA, I am just torn about what to do next. I feel helpless to stop the next/current one. I feel guilty & dishonest about the snooping, but feel the compulsion. I want to confront her, but am afraid it would send her further away. I've been trying to fill ENs, but I don't know if I'm good at it. I don't think I was ever that good even during courtship. <p>On top of this, her counselor believes she was abused as a child in the sense that she was emotionally neglected. She had a father who was distant emotionally, and in adulthood was attracted to me, another emotionally distant man. So I'm an abuser, too. Haven't totally come to terms with that. <p>Anyway, she now has her version of the past: 10 years of loneliness that was interrupted for a short time by arrival of kids. When she looks back she sees depression & loneliness. I generally see a life that we built together. We started poor, are a little better off now and have done it all together. She claims she was alone through it all. No support from me. I didn't talk to her. When I bring up my pain about the 1st EA/PA, she says she's sorry and then brings up her 10 yrs of pain. <p>I can't decide what stage things are in: I don't think it's withdrawal because we seem to like each other and have great sex (which was absent 6-8 months ago). Maybe she's in best of both worlds, since I'm fulfilling some ENs now and the OMs are fulfilling others. I just don't know where to go from here. Sorry for the long post, but wanted to get out as much as I could.<p>One of my doubts is my ability to fulfill her needs. I'm so introverted and she's exactly the opposite and it's really hard for me to share my thoughts & feelings consistently. I also sometimes feel that no matter how much I give & share, she'll always need more.<p>I read WAT's 10 rules--really helped. Let me know if y'all have other suggestions on handling these new EAs and any other advice. <p>Jake

Jake,<p>You should be proud of yourself. You'rd stepping out and opening up. That might not seem like much to others but I do recognize how hard it can be. <p>As far as advice I only have a couple of comments. The only thing you can do is share your feelings and pain about the EA's with your W. Do it in a way that does not take her choice from her. She HAS to end them of her own free will. You might want to apologize for sending her down that road and explain you didn't know how bad this would hurt or the damage it would do. Tell her you've changed and you want to try to meet these needs if she will let you.<p>As far as meeting her needs you need to ask yourself if you can do it if she shares them with you. You have taken a big step here and shown you are capable of opening up. If you think you can do it then tell her you want to and ask her to help you meet those needs. Tell her that you want to learn how to fullfill her needs. Just as you can teach her how you like to hold hands, she can teach you how she likes to communicate on an intimate level. Tell her the conditions that make it safe for you to open up. Ask her to tell you when you're doing it right.<p>who

WHO,<p>Thanks a ton for the supportive words. I do feel like I've made some progress and it has improved my confidence some. The funny thing is how all the doubt & pain flee when I'm with her, then when I'm without her I get so anxious about the unknown. <p>I guess you just have to hold on to those good times. Like last night, we made love and had a wonderful chat. She said she feels like she's beginning to trust me again with her feelings. I think it's a positive step and proof again that Plan A really works. She can see I've taken steps on my own to become better. I just doubt whether it's enough and wonder how she can keep leading the double life. How long will it last? When should I confront her about what I know & suspect?

Jake,<p>I wish I could answer this one with confidence. One part of me says to bring it up in counseling and the other part says to keep doing what you're doing and see if you can get closer to her first. Tough call. I would suggest you search your feelings and see if you are prepared to handle what she has to say (even if it is worse than you think). When that first conversation about the A(s) takes place is when you are either start building trust with her or start tearing it down. There is never a promise that she will make it back but you are doing good and it is making you both happier. I would just make sure that if you bring up the subject that you do it when you both are in an emotionally safe place. Make sure she knows before the confrontation that you are bringing this up because you want things to change for the better and you're willing to do what it takes to meet her needs. You might also want to explain that it is hurting you the things she is doing and then give examples. Make sure it's not done in a threatning way. You should also be prepared to be totally honest about your snooping. <p>Whatever happens keep working on yourself. I know at first the changes will probably be intended for your W but you will eventually find that they make you happier and more confident. <p>
who<p>BTW, I would mention to her that last night was really nice for you not only because of the sex but the talking. Let her know how much it meant to you that she told you she is trusting you with her feelings and tell her you would like more of that (talking, trusting).

truely you are on the correct way, do not hold it hard to yourself, you know when we calculate in numbers of days and years how hard it will be, i think you are on recovery...

Jake,
I know this sounds negative but you must be open with your wife and tell her what you know. In addition, you must be tested if she is having sex with another man and you should use protection if she continues to be intimate with this OM. You need to express your feeling and be open about them. I would personally demand that you wife be tested before you continue to have sex with her.
You need to be clear about what you know and your view and opinion toward committment and marriage.
Otherwise, she will continue to have her cake.
I guess the question is whether you are satified sharing your wife sexually with another man?