I have read quite a bit of this site but have yet to see a situation quite like mine. Most women want to maintain the marriage after an affair. I don't, but considering divorce from the children's perspective is just killing me. I am so angry and hurt that I never want to see my spouse again. "R" and I have been married for over 9 years. Everyone thought we had such a great marriage. Read on..<p>R had an affair six months after the birth of our first child (they are 2 and 6 now). It was with a coworker of his who we socialized with at times. For years he would casually mention what she was doing, like we where speaking of any other family friend. I didn't suspect anything at that time, although we where having significant marrital problems. It wasn't until about 18 months later that I just got "that feeling". I asked him point blank and, of course, he denied it. For the next several years, I lived in a state of constant paranoia. I drove to her house during the work day several times when I couldn't get R at work. I called him frequently to check where he was. Finally, about 18 months ago, the woman finally moved to another state. I asked R again and he admitted the affair. Part of the problem is that R swears the affair was a one night stand several years ago. He says that nothing else has ever happened. I don't believe him at all. I threw him out of the house immediately. This was almost six months ago. At the time I didn't file for divorce because I wanted to give myself time to get over the initial shock and then see how I felt. But there is more to the story...<p>R and I married when I was 21. He was very sexually experienced and I was a virgin. I was a believer in happily ever after. I tried everything to please him both emotionally and physically. In the beginning of our marriage, R would turn away my advances about two times of every three. I thought I must have been doing everything wrong. I asked him what he wanted repeatedly. He would never answer me. I came to find out recently that he was "bored with me" (his words). He also says that he continued to have other relationships while we where dating seriously before marriage. He did give me an STD early in our relationship which he swore he didn't know he had and "must have been from his last relationship". Do you see a pattern emerging?<p>Since R moved away, he acts like we should just go on as if nothing has happened. He comes to the house and would sit around here for hours if I didn't strongly suggest that he go away. In the beginning, I gave him a short list of things I wanted him to do in order for us to try and work our marital problems. The first was to set up counseling for himself and then for us together. He went for approximately 6 weeks and then quit. I have asked him once a month to set this up for us since then and he always says that he will. He never has. Does anyone think this is to much to ask? I have set up counseling for us three times during our marriage. Why should I have to do this again. How can he declare himself to love me and the kids so much and not lift a finger to try and save the marriage? I am so hurt. The kids are devastated. I want to divorce but feel like I have failed the children.

hello docj!
my veiw will not be popular here as i see way too many unhappy people trying to hold on to...water?<p>i agree...once an affair has been had all trust ends , you can forgive but never truly forget, and it will seethe thru you and distroy what you are trying to save. a betrayal of this kind to ME is not something you can UN_DO!<p>you have NOT failed the kids ! but in my opinion you will if you stay in an unhealthy marriage...they learn by example , and WILL repeat your marriage as its all the example they have [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] its what kids do, learn by example , and who do they want to be like the most ? YOU!!!! <p>my very best friend and soulmate too is struggling with the "stay for the kids " issue. his marriage has been basically over for 6 years , they sleep in different rooms have NO intamacy NONE! never talk unless they have to. he will sleep or leave if she is around just to avoid the verbal abuse and degredation. <p>BUT...see if any of this is how you are feeling ? mayhaps you can help me help him!<p>he is terrified divorce will distroy the childs happiness
he is scared of loosing controll of the childs life
he is sure the child will blame him <he thinks his child thinks nothing is wrong HA! kids are very smart and he might not be able to articulate it all but he has seen other couples he KNOWS something isnt right> <p>he is afraid she will alineate his child from him<p>yet his everyday life is not happy..in fact its almost always misery <and yet he never bashes her all this comes out when he needs to vent or explode><p>hes relativley young and would like to adventure <she wont> <p>are these some of your fears?<p>i bought him the book...should i stay or should i go?
it seemed very objective and a self help decision maker to help you weigh the good VS bad and decide if its all worth it to wake up 30 years later having wasted your life unhappily!
sure hope it helps!<p>all i tell him is this...remember you only have one life and your child will ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!!!!!!<p>but YOU must love yourself enough to KNOW that and to seek happiness in your one life! not endure each day....thats NO WAY to live <if you can call it living><p>she would probably be happier too...he says she hangs on for appearances ..geeeeez!<p>i support you ending a bad thing and moving on [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I have to completely disagree with soulmate. Soulmate wasn't even giving a personal anecdote.
Docj, my heart goes out to you. What you are dealing with is very painful but NOT impossible. If you and your spouse can get through this you will be able to build a stronger relationship! Believe it or not! It will take rebuilding trust and lot's of forgiveness but let's face it, even if R was out of the picture, you would have to forgive for your own sanity. He is afterall the father of your children so you will have to have an ongoing relationship with him anyway. My vote would be to take Dr. Harley's advice and do your best to work it out! I know because my husband told me the other day, "Honey, I know I tell you I love you all the time but I don't think I have ever told you that I am IN LOVE with you" [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] It's only been a year, (on Friday) since the betrayal and only a few months since DDay. Some days are worse then others but a new day always comes and I can start over!<p>Hang in there and practice the principles of Marriage Builders! I am proof that they work!<p>H1C

DocJ, I’m not here to give advice. Believe me, I cant even figure out what I should do, let alone, suggest what you should. <p>My W had a 6,7,8 week A and its destroying me. I cant imagine what you are going through, having children and having been deceived so long. <p>I only found out a week or two ago and I am spinning round and round. I can not decide what to do about my situation and came here to try and find an answer. <p>There apparently is no definitive answer for “My spouse is a cheater, what should I do?”. I feel like I am selling out if I forgive her, but possibly missing something if I don’t. <p>It just plain sucks that people who say they love you and care for you put you in a situation where you have to make a decision. And it just plain sucks that the decision is basically, how you’d prefer to hurt. Would you like your pain alone or with someone you don’t trust but still love. <p>It sounds like the healing process is long, arduous and painful if you decide to work things out. The healing process seems to be long arduous and painful if you don’t. <p>I thought my M was going to last for life and didn’t plan for this, it was never a situation I had considered. <p>I guess what I’m trying to say is good luck with whatever you decide to do.

To those of you struggling with whether to stay, to go, or to ask your spouse to stay or go...<p>All I can say is that after 6 months I still believe in my marriage. I know that the problems we have are not insurmountable with proper focus and the right 'tools.'<p>I recommend ALL of the Harley's books. Especially Surviving an Affair, LoveBusters, and His Needs/Her Needs.<p>Then, I recommend "Strike the Original Match" by Charles Swindoll. which you can find at this internet store: http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/home/58815885<p>Finally, two more books are "How to save your marriage alone" by Ed Wheat, MD and "How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together" by Susan Page.<p>The last two really helped me define what a good PLAN A is and Page's book give examples, 'experiments', and journal writes to guide you through the process.
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
but in my opinion you will if you stay in an unhealthy marriage...they learn by example , and WILL repeat your marriage as its all the example they have its what kids do, learn by example , and who do they want to be like the most ? YOU!!!!
<hr></blockquote>
Soulmate11 I agree with you on this point only...but I firmly believe that if YOU change your example and take the time to repair and make your marriage HEALTHY....what a wonderfully mature example for your children.

soulmate
What makes you believe that he is telling YOU the truth? What he is telling you is the "same old, same old" that most MM tell their lovers. There are threads here that will give you this information. You may atleast call his wife and see if he is telling you the truth. Many here have done this only to find out the the MM was "playing" both sides. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
I know that in your "in love" state that you want desperately to believe however:
People try to justify their behavior by creating a belief systen that supports it. <p>Divorce is HELL for kids. You don't want to believe this and you are gathering information to support your theory. The truth is that for every artical you find to support your wish, there are twice as many who can refute your theory. <p>I'm sorry that your have fallen into an affair with a MM. I know that this hurts you very much. I'm sure that the pain is unbearable at times. But you deserve a life of your own.<p>If this MM really loved you, he too would want for you to have the life HE cannot give to you. That is what true love is, loving another so much that you will do what is best for them. <p>I'm sure he has told you: you are my soulmate, you complete me,you are my best friend, I tell you things I've never told anyone before,I love her but I'm inlove with you, he wishes he had met you first, his wife doesn't understand him like you do, he needs you in his life, he will leave her some day etc. Sound fimiliar? All the things that MM tell their lovers to keep them hanging on. There are websights to instruct the MM on how to do this.

Thanks everyone!<p>I really needed to get that off my chest. I agree with most of what was said. No, I don't want to live in a miserable marriage. Yes, divorce will damage the children. I think the damage has already been done. Whether we divorce of stay married they will have to see the anger, mistrust, etc. We will have to do the work on our relationship either way for their sake.<p>Men, maybe you will have an answer for me. What I want to know is this... why does H list all of the practical reasons for wanting to stay together. Financial, children, our families, etc. Don't you think he should want to stay married because he loves me? Is this just a "man thing"? If a man will only say he loves you when you ask him, does that mean that he's lying to save your feelings? If you ask a man for certain affectionate behaviors over and over but never recieve these - what does that mean? He can't or he won't?<p>I think that knowing the answers to some of this will help me in my decision making so please help.<p>docJ