Here's my latest update.<p>Finally signed a short term lease on an apartment, probably move in this weekend. Last time I mentioned that W was wanting me to move back home. When I came home Tuesday, W told me she found a place for me to stay, I asked her why the change in plans, after last night I thought we had come to some kind of agreement, at least give it a try. She just gave me the ol' "I don't know what to do right now" answer. I got upset at that and told her that I am not going to ride on her emotional roller coaster, I'm getting off right now, her constant going back and forth is bringing me down (thanks Who for warning me about that blind corner). Her family and friends don't want to discuss the issue anymore and quite frankly, neither do I right now, we are at an impasse. I'm not Plan B-ing and I will continue my Plan A, I'm just protecting myself from the emotional turmoil that I am going through by trying to keep up with W and her constant undecidedness. I thought that might be a big LB, but it actually helped, W told me she was ready to start taking the antidepressent medicine the doctor prescribed so that she could get herself into a better emotional state and start making some rational decisions, said she was tired of being all over the place emotionally. <p>Last couple of days W has apologized for making my life so miserable and that the apt is only for a little while. W even told me that we were seperated once before (huh?) when I was in the military and she was trying to 'make a big decision' whether she wanted to stay with me or not. I mentioned the fact that it was now 8 years and 2 more kids later. I think she took that to heart. Gotta admit, being married to that woman keeps life interesting, to say the least.<p>I was holding on to that last thread of hope, thinking that if we were at least together, things will begin to work out. I've let go of that and it feels good. I told W that I wasn't going to force her to stay in the M, that will be her decision. She is free to do what she wants. After all, I didn't force her to marry me or keep her locked up for 13 years, that was all done on her own free will. She knows what my decision is and what I think we should do<p>Anyway, the twist is that this apartment is only a few blocks away from where OM works. W didn't find this place herself, there were a whole bunch of affordable ones in the same area, I told W about them not knowing OM was nearby. Wonder if I should 'stop by' and say hi to OM from time to time, I mean, we still are neighbors and now we are neighbors at my 'new' place. Twist even more- Our arrangement is for me to stay at the apt 4 days a week and at the house for 3, W will stay at the apt when I am at home. Should I be suspicious, nope, should I snoop, nope, should I care, nope. What W does is her own choice and she will live with the consequences of them, good or bad, like she is doing now.

Need a roommate? LOL<p>
who

Hey, misery loves company [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . Maybe we could both stop by and visit OM together! I am kinda looking forward to it, just going to miss the craziness of the kids, W and everything else. The time alone will be good, staying at IL's makes me feel uncomfortable. <p>I have noticed that ever since I moved out, W and I have been able to talk more and without so many arguements. No serious talk, just normal stuff, but it is nice to hear her voice everyday. We are still comfotable together, just cant 'be' together, yet. I sometimes wonder what being seperated is really supposed to mean.

Hi LHS,<p>Keep praying for your wife even despite your attitude towards what she is doing. Yea, her behavior is self-absorbed and evil, but you have some control over this whether you believe it or not. God wants to keep battling for your marriage. He is on your side and because of that, they can never win. Take those few minutes out of your day to just ask God to keep battling for you. <p>I don't know what else to say. I am so sorry for your pain. We all feel it with you, I hope that brings even the slightest comfort. <p>I pray that she will turn away from her sin and fall on her face and ask God to help her. God will keep his promise and be faithful to deliver you from affliction, pain, this whole nightmare. Maybe you can have peace in that, He WILL get you through this, you can count on Him.<p>God Bless,
Julia

I wanted to share this with you...<p>My friend in my church once told me to just keep loving my husband, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, in every way! My answer to this was, "but he doesn't love me back!" My friend told me, "God will love you back".

Thanks Julia3<p>I agree that her behavior is self-absorbing. The financial burden that we have put on ourselves with the apt is tremendous. I have tried to talk to W about it but she insists on having time apart. She even mentioned the other day that I might have to move back in soon because the economy is doing so bad. I just told her that I hope it would be more than just financial hardships for me to come back. I think about the cost of the apt and what better use we could do with the money, and the time that we are apart could be better spent getting to know each other again.<p>Some days I get so angry thinking about how many people she has hurt with her actions, me, the kids, her, the OM and his family, our families, so many people. And her actions post D-Day are hurting us even more. The kids suffer the most because she can't take care of their emotional needs right now, she can only make sure that they are clothed and fed. I hope the AD's kick in soon so she can begin to think clearly. <p>One thing that really attracted me to her (and still does) is her drive and deep personal convictions. W can do anything she sets her mind to. That's what makes it so hard now, she is completely opposite of what she is 'normally'. I hope and pray that she finds those strengths again.<p>I am praying for her, the kids, me and the M. A lot of things have happened that give me hope. I just need to keep pushing forward knowing that He will take care of us all.

Hi LHS,
I appreciate your posts. There are several things that you are going through that are similar to what I am going through. I just hope that there is a happy ending to my story. <p>I wish I could say something insightful that would be of help, but I really don't know what to say, except that reading your posts help me to feel that I am not alone--and that gives me a lot of strength. <p>I think you are wise to tell your wife that you have decided not to ride her emotional roller coaster anymore. I am quickly coming to the conclusion that I have to do this same thing with my wife. I am tired of going from one day feeling everything is great and we are going to work things out, to the next day hearing about her dumb apartment deposit. <p>My wife is self-absorbed as well. Anything that hurts her is bad, but the fact that she is hurting me and our kids doesn't seem to enter into the picture. It's a one sided view of the world. <p>Good luck, I hope that something I will say in the future may be of help...

Call this one LHS- on the un-move?<p>Another one of those crazy weekends. W spent Saturday night with a close friend whose husband has terminal cancer. When she came home, she asked if I would like to sleep with her and hold her all night (like I'm gonna refuse that!) The next day she wanted me to leave her alone, but we did spend quite a bit of time talking about them and how short life is, also talked about W, me, our future and the A. W asked me what I wanted her to do right now, told her I want her to commit herself to working through this mess and making the M better than ever. W said she can't commit to anything right now but sure wished we could turn time back to pre-A. I told her I'm not going to push, she can decide when she is ready.<p>Later on, W asked me if I thought it was financially feasible for me to really move into an apt. The economy here is really going south and I am beginning to feel it at work. A lot of projects are being cancelled and there even may be some layoffs looming. I told her that I didn't think it was a good idea right now and re-offered to move into the basement. Turns out, after looking at the finances, the apt won't work after all, so I'm back home, in the basement. W wants me to take some of the money that would have been spent on the apt and start finishing the basement (a goal of ours we have had for a while)<p>W told me that we can only act as 'business partners' right now and there can not be any form of intimacy between us. I asked her about Saturday night, no response at all. I wonder, a man and woman working closely together as 'business partners' who obviously had a chemistry before, a recipe for an affair? Can I be the OM for a change? Can I experience the excitement and fullfilment tht only an A can have?<p>I'm cautiously hopeful right now, the mixed signals really frustrate me. Saturday she wants me to hold her and make her feel secure and the next day she wants to be left alone, but still wants to talk. I'm out of the house, I'm back in the house. I'm not gonna get caught up in all of this, just going along with the flow and taking care of myself and keep on Plan A'ing.

Hang in there LHS!<p>Your story sounds so much like mine. I found out about my W's A about 20 months ago and there seems to be many similarities with the roller coaster ride and indecisiveness. My W and I seperated for 6 months and we are now feeling the pain of the financial burden we put ourselves through, but if that's what it takes to save our marriage then it was worth every penny. I think that our W's take us for granted and realize that we are "plan A'ers" and therefore do not have a sense of urgency in resolving or addressing serious marital issues.
Both sides of our families know what she has done yet they still love her with all of their hearts. She has hurt many people, but I believe that our W's need to hit rock bottom in order to really appreciate what they have and what they could lose. Too many times my W has been saved from her plunge to the bottom because her loved ones step in and save her. I am done saving because I believe that our situation is in the Lord's hands and we have a tendency to mess it up by trying to jump in and fix it.
I agree with your "hands off" approach and I belive that it will give her the opportunity to reflect and not be forced into doing what other people want her to do; that would be much more powerful !! Hate the sin not the sinner. Hang in there!<p>Autlan3