Don’t be afriaid! It’s OK!<p>What a ridiculous thing to say to someone who is in agony. How anything could possibly be ok right now is laughable, right? For what it’s worth, I would like to share some discoveries. I’m Robyn, and I write these words a year and 2 months after experiencing my fiance’s A. I am getting married next fall. <p>I will think of this year, my 32nd, as the year I “grew up”. I have experienced, along with all of you, the events and after-effects of September 11th. Like you, I feel as though the world I knew is gone, and instability is here to stay. I listen to the news constantly. And I am an A survivor.<p>How did I survive? Well, I have worked hard all year to diminish the presence of OW in our lives (she inhabits our social circle). I have turned down invitations, trashed e-mails, been careful to accompany my BF to events she will be at. On the 1-year anniversary of the A, a night when my senses went ballistic and I realized something had “happened”, I took my fiance aside and sang a John Lennon song to him. My best friend snapped a picture of us - I have a quirky smile on my face - amazed that I survived, secretly pleased with our progress.<p>The pain does fade. The affair recedes into the past as the present and the future clamour for our attention. The past is hazy, watery and pale. The present seems like a circus in comparison. There are days now which are great.<p>What do I feel now, 14 months later?<p>Humiliation. There is no getting past the fact that meeting all of our partner’s needs makes us feel special, loved, and strong. Conversely, having a horny, secretive flirt running around makes us look and feel like idiots. Do people say, “There goes Steve again. Poor Susan. I don’t know how she puts up with it.”? Or do people say, “Steve’s so much fun. He has a zest for life and clearly loves Susan more than anything. I wish I had his spark.”<p>Jaded. Right now, I have a hard time believing that (and I’m sorry guys) men are capable of enjoying fidelity. Note that I didn’t say capable of being faithful...I said capable of enjoying it. The whole joke surrounding a stag party is that the groom is about to “lose” something...his ability to “have other women”. Men are praised for being studly. Magazines from the 70’s contained ads promising that a certain book, pill or pheremone would allow a man to “get any woman he wants.” I sometimes wonder why men want to get married. Because it guarantees whiter t-shirts? Better tasting lasagna? As a means to have kids? Those are my jaded days. ...I wonder if my fiance ever had a second, a moment, a nano-second of thinking that he loved me, was sorry, was wrong, wanted me, or saw OW as repulsive, as a mistake.<p>Grateful. People say you should not get married unless you are “sure”. Unless you “know it’s right”, unless you “trust”. In my view, people who feel that way are just people who have yet to grapple with betrayal, whether it be an affair, a crush, a connection, a deep disappointment, EA, PA, ten minutes or ten years. I would rather know this pain, know that either he or I could fail and KNOW that I CAN SURVIVE. So, While I won’t walk down the aisle as a starry-eyed, idealistic bride, I prefer it this way.<p>Proud. I am proud of myself. I have done a good Plan A over these 14 months and, whether by chance or by plan, OW is all but gone. We plan to get married and to open a business. I used to feel sorry for people who made the choice I am making, because I thought they were weak and blind. Now I think that most affair survivors are not helpless, trampled fools. Most affair survivors are strong! They are wise, big-hearted and knowing. I love my fiance. I am competent, curious about the world and our place in it. It astounds me the number of compliments our relationship gets. It’s as if people see the aspects of it that are GREAT. Because it is possible that a relationship, post-A, is great.<p>Vengeful. One of the hardest aspects of life post-A is managing the need for revenge. Two people (my fiance and OW) got the better of me, lied to me, even joked at my expense...and got away with it. I want to cause them humiliation, pain, uncertainty, anxiety. I want others to whisper about them. I want to get too drunk at a cocktail party and make too-loud comments about them, then say “oopsie!” to the delight of my audience.<p>But I can’t, and I won’t.<p>I can’t, because - and this is important - my fiance cannot yet fully discuss with me what happened, in spite of the fact that we both know. Maybe one day, when he feels safe enough, he will. So, I can’t stride up to OW and deliver a blistering monologue. I can’t play the part of the wounded spouse, pitied and cherished and fawned over by a guilt-stricken husband.<p>And I won’t. I won’t because from all I have read here, it’s possible my fiance does struggle with pain and is trying to heal. I won’t because if I am pleasant to OW, when passng her on the street, I feel comforted by my own civility and warmth.
I am pleased by my willpower and patience. I won’t because I don’t want to become an angry, eroded, bitter woman. And most importantly, I won’t behave vengefully because, with faith, I will find my own way. God only tests vessels which are worthy of containing His will.

I just posted a message above you. All I can say is that I hope to get where you are.<p>if you have any advice for me on how to do that, would be greatly appreciated. Otherwise, let me tell you that you are one amazing woman, and that I admire you.<p>Thank you for sharing that post. It meant a lot, and makes me feel good to hear it.<p>wishfulthinking.

I was struck by your comment about it being the more difficult road to stay in a relationship where there has been infidelity.<p>When I discovered A1 (or A4, as I am sure of three others he has not admitted), I was being consoled by a close friend who had been in a similar position, but she had left her H. She said by staying I was taking by far the more difficult road.<p>Second (or fifth) A came along, and he left me, then I left the country cos I couldn't let him subject OW to our children. And my friend was right. It is easier to not be there, to not see them every day and think about it. To not have to think about NOT LB'ing ALL the time.<p>But it is still hard.<p>I wish you luck, but I am sceptical, because I think once a cheater, always a cheater.<p>Please think hard about what you are about to do.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

Robyn,
Your post was so encouraging! You really seem to have it under control. Knowing
-where your are
-what you want and
-how to handle such a tough situation.<p>Best of luck to you and your fiance!<p>Coping&Hoping

Robyn - it's clear you still have a lot of anger. I wish you luck in resolving it.<p>BTW, I'm a guy and I understand fidelity.

How do you deal with the pain? I just found out 2 days ago, that my husband is having an affair with someone at work, of course younger then me. I want to rip her apart. Help please