Hi everyone. I am new here, and in need of some help. <p>I just found out about my Fiancee's 'affair'. I am not sure which way I should proceed. I love him so much. He still talks to her, but says that if it means losing me, he will gladly remove her from our lives. Whenever asked if he has removed her, he said it is not a priority, and he will get around to it.<p>We are going for our first therapy session together this weekend. I am not sure what to do or say anymore. I am so lost and confused, along with very hurt. He did this when I was on vacation. He lied to my face even when I knew.<p>He is coming over this evening, and I want to tell him to call her and remove her. Is this appropriate? am I being too harsh in saying it needs to be done, and it IS a priority? I really believe it to be one, if there is any chance of this working out.<p>For all the people who have been through this, please, is there any chance of this working? Am I being naive in thinking it can?<p>thanks so much in advance.

Wishful, welcome to MB, sorry that this unfortunate event brought you here, we all feel your pain. But, if you are looking for a group of people who want and will help you through this, then you have come to the right place. I hope you stick around and share with us what is going on with you and BF.<p>So many things that I was told when I first got here have really helped. 1st- read about the MB concepts and everything else there is on this site. 2nd- look at WATS Guidelines. 3rd- get a copy of His Needs/Her Needs and both of you read it (my library had it!) 4th- get ready for the wildest emotional roller coaster ride of your life.<p>Hate to say it, but OW probably isn't out of his life yet, accept that and don't let it make you crazy. I wouldn't push the issue with him tonight, it will only make him defensive and give him a reason to run back to OW (read about LB's). If he tells OW what you did, she will feed on it, giving him more reason to stay with her. No, it isn't appropriate for him to see her, but you can't make him stop, only he can.<p>Tonight, Plan A, give him every reason to come back to you, show him you are a safe haven in all this turmoil. Talk about the A only if he wants to, if he asks you how you feel, tell him, but not in an angry way. Show him the love you truly have for him. If you have to vent, do it here, we all understand and can help.<p>Good luck, keep us up to date.

Hi Wishful:<p>Thanks for your reply on my thread. I want you to know it is possible to sort this out.<p>If you have read the articles and principles on this website, you will know that "no contact" with the other person (OP) is necessary for survival. <p>I have no doubt this is excellent advice, but it wasn't advice I could follow to the letter. <p>You are asking your fiance to break off contact with OW. You are right to want this. Unfortunately, OW is not a tooth, and probably won't disappear in one slicing motion. Too bad, huh? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>I was very happy to discover MB, because this site confirmed something I think I already knew: I had to do the hard work of loving myself, loving my fiance and creating a supportive environment. I began to take good care of myself - reviewed my work goals, spent time with my mom, eat & exercised as best I could. <p>I made a point of having "meaningless time" with my fiance - keeping things light, watching a movie, doing chores. As much as I wanted to talk about the A ALL the time, I knew that he felt comforted by the normalcy of this "down time". So did I.<p>I was really, really annoyed that the pain wouldn't go away. I even drew a picture (I'm an illustrator by trade) of a spiked ball with a chain. I said, this is what my stomach feels like all the time. But be patient. The pain will recede as you work, each day, at your goals together. <p>Your fiance may have setbacks. A setback is not a signal to trash the whole thing. You will learn things as you go along that make this A clearer. <p>I got lots of advice which said, "if this isn't sorted out, don't get married". I thought that sounded a little idealistic. What couple ever has everything "sorted out" before they get married?<p>This does not mean that you should marry someone in whom you have no confidence, who cheats incessantly. But it does mean that good men and women make mistakes.<p>My best advice is hang in there, and try not to let bitterness and fear overwhelm you. I know you can do it.<p>Keep Posting!<p>XO
Robyn

thank you very much ladies, for your kind words.<p>My problem with him not calling things off with her is this - he said it's not a priority. I think it is. he also said that 'I don't think it's right to treat her like sh*t'. whereas I told him 'it's not ok to treat her like that, but it's ok to treat me like that?'<p>so, I am really torn now. I just found out a few days ago. I don't see how I can just go on right now, and ignore it all. As for the time apart, I haven't seen him in the last 2 days, he is coming over tonight to talk. I try to keep the talking to a minimum. but that's not working, as I'm not going to ignore him.<p>I do want to move past this pain. I want to move past the throwing up too. (that's really getting annoying now) I know this was the place I needed to come to. Thank you for making me feel welcome.<p>wishful.