This is my first time posting as I am a new member. It's been about 20 months since I found out about my W's affair and we are still a long way from a quality marriage.
My W had an A with an employee at her work and when I found out I was devastated. She told me that she loved the OM and that she was sorry that it happened , but she would not quit her job and she just couldn't turn off the "switch" and let him go emotionally.
We went to a "Christian" counselor who pretty much told us that we were at impass and she needed to do whatever it took to be happy which included seperation. The counselor had my W read books about codependency and divorce mediation. Obviously the counselor was not christian and I stopped seeing her while my W continued. We seperated for 6 months and our children ( 4 and 6) wondered what was happening. My W and I cared about our children enough that we rented an apartment and we switched residences every week while the kids stayed @ home. My W wanted to be on her own to see if she could do it. She told me that she didn't have any feelings for me and that she was tired of faking it. I found out that she was talking to the OM on her cell phone, but of course, she denied it.
My W also decided to get her own credit card, and checking account.
A couple of months ago I found out that my W was talking with one of my best friends about his problems with his girlfriend of 3 years. He had been over to the apartment speaking with her about their problems and one thing led to another... supposedly he was the agressor and she fought him off. They both kept this from me because they realized that it would definately ruin our relationships. In a fit of anger she told that even though she won't have sex with me that maybe she still wants good sex! She broke my heart with that one.
She now has all new clothes and shoes. She has gone from a size 10 to a size 8. This past weekend we had sex for the first time in 20 months, but I know that it wasn't easy for her it was our 10th wedding anniversary and I believe that she meant well, but for whatever reason she just can't find it in her to "try" and work on our relationship.
My W has told me that she just wants to be friends and that sex is not part of a marriage.
I feel like I have been rambling on, but it's difficult to give an accurate picture without touching on many of the smaller stories.
I feel as if I am at the end of my rope; can our marriage survive when I am the only one trying. I have tried everything to make deposits into the love bank, but it's almost like she loses respect for me. I tell her that I love her, but she has a hard time responding. Sometimes she just says that she knows. I think she wants the sexual experience that she had with the OM. Is there hope? What more can I do ???
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a3<p>First read everything here on the site and get a strong plan A started. Your wife can not say she want to work on M while the A is still going on. Sounds to me she has contact with him. She is in the fog.<p>I think that the seperation was a little to fast. Any chance of living under one roof? Glad you got a new C. <p>Order the book SAA and read it. It will teach you so much. Stay strong and come here to vent.<p>Take this time to work on you. Make changes that will be lifelong<p>
SLH

Autlan,<p>There is hope, and like my pastor told me when I was crying in his office, he said, "you need hope". He is right. First things first, your marriage is worth saving, every marriage is. I don't care how your wife acts or what evil words come out of her mouth, your marriage is sacred and if God can raise His son from death, he can save your marriage.<p>I think you need to get into sound christian counseling with a pastor. Do you have a church that would stand behind you? Of course, I know it is tough to think about these questions especially if she is not willing to go to counseling, my h was not willing either for a LONG time, but with hope and prayer, he did change his mind. My story is long, but i hope that you can understand and believe me when I say there is hope, and Praise God because of it. <p>I can't say that it will be easy because it will be difficult, you will be hurt by her, but the blessings from God for you will be immeasurable. I started growing closer to God and it grew me closer to h. As God worked in my life, changing me, I think my h saw this and couldn't help but love me, as he puts it. <p>A friend told me that this is not my battle to fight, but God's. I realized that there was not anything i could say to convince my h to love me and to leave ow, his feelings were to strong for her, as he told me. So I had no other choice but to leave this awful mess in God's hands, it was his battle to fight and trust me, what better hands for them to be in?! <p>My story turns out pretty sad as h got ow pregnant, but h did come home and is remorseful, wants to save marriage, realizes his foolish behavior and hates himself. I am pretty much broken to the point where i question whether or not i can endure so much, but again I have confidence that God will give me the strength somehow, it will take a miracle trust me, but that's God's specialty - Miracles.<p>So to answer your question... ABSOLUTELY, there is hope!<p>God Bless,
Julia

Thanks for the advice and words of encouragemnet!
Our seperation seemed to be ineviatble; it was almost as if my W didn't want anything to do with me in order to validate her feelings. She told me that she loves me, but that she got married to me for the wrong reasons. My W says that she married me because she knew that I would never leave her and that I would always be there for her. It's ironic that she's the one debating leaving although I believe that she's going to stick it out @ home. The problem I see is that she is doing it , again, for the wrong reason, for the skae of the kids. Many times I feel lucky because even though it may be for the wrong reason, it gives us hope!!
I asked her if she was still talking to the OM, but she said no, only when there have been meetings and circumstances beyond her control. She said that she still thinks about him from time to time. I know she is still having a hard time letting go of him.
I am having a hard time with my W's attitude of "wanting her cake ..." How do I invest my love with someone who seems to be a 24/7 taker?

A couple of thoughts while reading your story.
First, it is most likely she lied to you about her being attacked by your friend in his apartment. They both didn't tell you because they were afraid it would ruin your relationship with this guy?
Oh please.... In addition, what kind of a best friend has sex with your wife?<p>I think an important point you wrote was that she married you because she knew you would never leave her and now she is a taker 24/7 and does not intend to have sex with you. I think you should make it clear that you are not a doormat and that if she treats you with distain and disrespect that you will leave. I believe that she would gain greater respect for you if she knew that you would not accept all of her hurtful behavior no matter
what. Stand up for yourself and she will respond.
Good luck.