Hi again, I am really new here, and just found out about the A this week. (my initial post is below with the subject 'need advice')<p>my questions to everyone are this - what are Plan A & B? How do I use these concepts towards my own life? As far as I get is that Plan A is working on it, and Plan B is leaving. Are there steps, or suggestions/guidelines for outlining these plans for myself? I have tried looking around on this site for information, but come up lost.<p>My Fiancee and I are going to a therapist tomorrow, to start trying to piece this together, if it is possible. Last night I believe I slipped and fell. He was so nice, so caring. He held me in his arms, and told me to hug him - transfer some of my pain to him. He was kissing me and told me how terribly sorry he was for hurting me, and causing this pain. This was all after him inititially hugging me, and me running to the bathroom to violently uhh...pray to the porcelain god.. we ended up getting intimate, and during - it felt right, but afterward, I felt horrible.<p>He has not yet removed his OW from our lives. he said it is not a priority to speak to her. I believe it is. I told him how much it does mean, and how much it will help moving on from this. He said he will do it sooner then. Ever since I found out, he has told me he will remove her. I just want to move past the physical sickness and pain fast. Just start working on us. <p>If anyone has any advice on how to start working towards a better place, it would be appreciated. <p>Thank you all so much for being here.
wishful.

Wishful,<p>The ideas for Plan A in MB are guidelines and have to be adapted for each situation. Remember that Plan A is mainly for yourself, not WS. To me, the basic idea behind Plan A is to show the WS that you still love them and will not forsake them even after what they did. Plan A'ing allows the WS to feel secure with you and comfortable expressing their feelings about the A without fear of reprisal or judgement (read about LB's, Plan A avoids them at all cost).<p>In my case, I thought Plan A meant showering WS with affection and love. But, it only pushed her farther away, she thought I was smothering her and it wasn't sincere. So, I shifted gears and let her show me what she wanted (I never asked her, just paid attention to her reactions to what I did). My new Plan A was to listen to her and be a friend only, not a husband. I gave her as much space as needed and tried not to overwhelm her. I let her go when she wanted and tried not to question her whereabouts. I tried real hard to LB, but when I did, I made an extra effort to make up for it. I'm talking past tense here, but I am still
Plan A'ing .<p>Everything you are feeling, like getting physically sick and feeling bad after being intimate are perfectly natural. Think about why you felt the way you did, find out where these feelings came from. The more you are in tune with your own feelings and emotions, the better able you are going to be to recover.<p>Hope this helps you. Hang in there. Think about how strong your marriage will be once you two work through this.

hey wishful.<p>It sounds like you have a really good guy there. His supportive behaviour is much better than many WS are capable of. <p>As far as your question is concerned, if you have not already done so, go back to the homepage and read Harley's Basic Concepts. Read them slowly, and think about how his words could apply to your own behaviour and that of your fiance.
Plan A, as many senior MBers will tell you, is about cultivating yourself and your own behaviour. Even those of us who think we have done a "great job" as a partner can learn tons.<p>Harley's Basic Concepts include understanding the Giver (our unselfish nature) and the Taker (our selfish nauture). Read about the Love Bank. Read about Disrespectful Judgements. These are the building blocks of Plan A, or how to be an effective person and partner.<p>When you understand and use these concepts, you create an environment where your partner sees you in the best possible light. Even if you occasionally cry, or lose your temper, it is what you do most of the time that will set the tone.<p>Nothing about healing from this affair will be instant. That is the bad news. Even when you are patiently trying to be your best, it may take many weeks before your partner responds by showing you more patience, consideration, passion and committment. <p>My fiance's A was before our our engagement. Afterward I felt I was doing my best to heal. I did not find MB until 4 months later. Once I understood the basic concepts and worked to help myself and us, things improved rapidly! Shortly thereafter, my boyfriend proposed. In the last 11 months, we have made steady gains, and you know how I feel from my post 11/16.<p>It is awful when you wake up and for about 4 seconds everything is great...then you remember who you are and what is happening. You live the affair from waking until you go to bed. It will take a while, but eventually, one day you will find yourself thnking about something more important to you than the affair. You will forget for a whole afternoon! Then a whole day....trust me, it will happen. In the meantime, be patient with yourself. You can do this.<p>And we are here.<p>Robyn.