Hello all,
This is my first post so bear with me. Well, my W and I began counseling back in June, back when I all I knew was that I was married to the purest angel and that I found that my wife seemed to always be angry at me--often for very little provocation she would become furious! So that's when I decided we should go to counseling. My wife joined and over the course of the next month I learned about the negative behaviors that I was exhibiting. I was neglecting my wife because I was traveling so much. I made work my number one priority. Finally this year I was making 6 figures and I felt on top of the world. As I learned more about myself and how I could be manipulative I felt a huge desire inside to change and mend my marriage. (Funny, I still remember my wife saying to our counselor that she didn't really know why we were going to counseling because everything seemed to be going well.) <p>Anyway, as I started to change so did my wife but not in a really good way...which kinda surprised me. She became more withdrawn. She kept saying that there were things that had happened in our marriage that she felt really guilty about and that she didn't want to tell me what happened. <p>As the weeks turned into months, I wondered what was going on. My wife was really a virgin when we got married and very religious. She also feels very guilty for the slightest things so I figured that maybe she had kissed someone and felt really bad about it. <p>Well to make a long story short, over the course of the next several months it turned out that my wife was having an affair -- as she still won't tell my the details (our counselor says it is unhealthy) I don't know really what has gone on. My wife claims a) that she has kissed this man, b) that she has never had intercourse with any man other than me, c) that she has never had oral sex. So her behavior with this man is somewhere between kissing and oral sex--that leaves a lot of room for my active imagination. <p>Other interesting details: my wife has been kissing/making out with other men over the course of the last 4 years. She has told me the names of about 7 guys that she has had these interludes with. <p>Her's my problem. The man she is having the affair with is doing some construction work on our house. My wife is best friend's with his wife and she says that she absolutely cannot live without them in her life. My wife says that she can live without the physical aspects of their relationship. <p>She told OM that she had informed me of their affair. He asked if I was going to tell his wife. My wife said that I wouldn't. (I don't think it is my place.) <p>Anyway our counselor said that I should not confront this man, as long as my wife agrees not to have any more "sexualized, physical contact" with him. <p>I see this guy at our home today and I want to call him names and tell him to leave our house and threaten his life, etc. Instead I keep my mouth shut and pretend that everything is okay. <p>I tell you that I am burning up inside. I have pictures in my head of my wife and him half naked in my bed (remember I have a vivid imagination, and she has not told me the facts). I also imagine that he is laughing inside as I talk to him...that he thinks that I am such a loser...that he thinks that he can just have sex with my wife (I think they have had "dry sex", ie. where my wife climaxed and he climaxed but their clothes were on...) and get away with it.<p>I am so steamed and so hurt. I feel like knocking him upside the head with a baseball bat. Nevertheless, I don't want my wife to leave me. I want to work this out. I have mentioned that I thought that my wife and I should have a "time out" from OM and his wife. The next evening my wife revealed that she still is thinking strongly of moving out...and I begged her to stay. <p>I feel like a door mat. Any suggestions?

Hi Pikachu,
I'm sorry about your situation. Dr.Harley has written much on the topic tho. Here's a Q&A column to get you started. Please read all you can and good luck in your recovery from these affairs.<p>Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery After an Affair

Your story is amazing. First, you need to get a new counselor. Second there must be no contact between the OM and your wife. Third, you should inform the OM's wife immediately. Fourth, do not allow the OM in your house to do contruction work.
You have to be out of your mind to allow this.
My guess is that she is probably lying about not having sex with other men. She tells you she is been making out with at least 7 other men during the past few years and there has been no sex?
I suggest that you get tested immediately.<p>My friend your wife has been cheating on you with 7 different guys for the past few years. I am afraid that you are in denial. Kick this OM out of your house and fire him immediately and tell his wife. It is clear that your wife has little or no respect for you and will see you as a doormat by allowing this OM to work in your home. Open up your eyes and stand up and stop being humiliated and disrespected by this woman. What a sad story.

Thanks Bryan for your sobering reply. All that you mention is what I have been wanting to do. The thing that stops me is that my wife is sure to leave me as soon as I take action. I really don't want her to leave. <p>Actually now that I have written that last line, it occurs to me that in reality she has already left me, just not physically...yet. <p>Yes indeed I feel like a door mat. I thought part of Plan A was to be loving and supportive. Am I in Plan A or am I just being a door mat?

hello!
im so sorry to read about this....
the pain must be unbelievable [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>i did find a really really good book recently that might help you to let go, it helped me and it is helping another friend immensley <sorry MB its an outside book > <p>its called too good to leave/ too bad to stay
by mira kirshenbaum<p>extremley well written by a therapist of 20 years experience, it does NOT try to tell you what you should do, but rather helps you see things as they really are , and come to your own conclusions.<p>the thing i liked most about it is she goes thru analagies, and tells us...most people in THIS situation were happy they left <or happy they stayed><p>based on her many years of working with marriages either in trouble or broken beyond repair, its an easy read, and one you might want to consult again later if you should feel doubts about your decisions.<p>i bought it at amazon.com for about 10 dollars and i highly reccommend it!<p>its a good book for any one who is confused about what to do <ambivalent> or sitting on the fence [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>i wish you much luck in ridding your self of this pain and unhappiness soon!

Pikachu,<p>Harley strongly recommends absolutley no contact with the OM. I would tell the OM, that his contract is terminated. If he gives you any grief simply tell his W about his behavior, and call the better business buraeu (sp) about his unprofessional behavior.<p>Plan A is about working on your deficiencies in the marriage, it is about making a safe place for your W to come back to by working on YOUR issues. It is not about having the OM wandering through your H as he pleases or her having him there.<p>As you so apptly pointed out, she has already left. While I think that Bryan is a little strong on his points, I do believe is pretty much dead on. Get tested, get both of you to a real counselor, not a fool that thinks hiding things under a rug fixes them.<p>You don't have much to lose here. That doesn't mean that you Love Bust, LB her. It means that you own that house, she shouldn't be anywhere near this couple it doesn't make any difference how close you guys were. The price of what she did is that the friendship is ending.<p>Now having said all of this, you need to understand that she is behaving in a pretty normal fashion: wants her cake and eat it too. She will probably go through withdrawal from the OM, which is painful for her, and a real pain for you.<p>She may threaten, she may even leave, but if all of this does happen, know this: you were willing to forgive her, you were willing to rebuild the marriage, you were willing to deal with your pain. Those are things to be proud of. <p>However, you weren't willing to be a liar, you weren't willing to allow OM to have the run of the place, you weren't willing to allow her behavior to ruin your life. Those are things to be proud of.<p>So offer her the hand of kindness because you want to, but show the OM the door. BECAUSE YOU WANT TO and NEED TO.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

HI, Do not accept this. It is unacceptable to have this man in your home. I agree with everyone else. She needs to lose the girl and guy friend. The other wife needs to know. This is wrong, face the facts and fire the counselore and of course the contractor. WOW! Read dr. harleys book, how to survive an affair. IT is the most helpful things I have read. Come to this site for support. YOu will survive. even if she leaves. If she values and wants the marriage, she will work on it. Do not walk on eggashells to keep someone there who is treating you badly. You deserve better. I thought I would die when my spouse walked out. I found out he was cheating and confronted him, he sd he thought he might love her and had to leave... now he wants to come back... now I still kind of want him back... but am not so sure anymore... He has lots of problems that I am very sick of. VERy sick of. A loving wife would not do this to you. She may love you and may have made a big mistake... but she needs to realize what she did wrong and care about saving the marriage. GOOD LUCK! lisa [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]