I've suspected H was up to something for 4 months. I found 90% chance clue a month ago. DENIAL (he lied and I believed). I saw the email's yesterday.<p>There seems to be so much going on in my mind, it's confusing. I know I'm supposed to read everything on this site, and I'm reading about A's that are going on for years. Is there a short quick guide to get you through the first week, so you can catch up on everything going on around you? Do I confront with the evidence? Sort through my emotions before I invite his?<p>Married for 10 years, one 9 year old. M has been frustrating at times due to his anxiety problem. Got good professional help, finally. M and plans for the future were REALLY AWESOME for about 1.5 years, the A started. Or was there another A that I don't know about? H has Denied affair suspicions, doesn't know I've seen it in black and white. Where is the checklist that tells me whether to file for Divorce or go though this process?

DJC - see WAT's Quick Start Guidelines For Betrayed Spouses a few posts down on this page. This will help some at your early stage, perhaps. <p>In the meantime, consider obtaining the following books: Surviving an Affair by Harley and His Needs/Her Needs by Harley. Both are available from the Bookstore on this website or thru real bookstores.<p>There are many other helpful books by other authors that can't hurt. One of my favorites is Private Lies by Frank Pittman.<p>There is no one-size-fits-all checklist, but if there was the first step would be "DON'T FILE FOR DIVORCE." Think about it. The only reason to file should be if you WANT a divorce.<p>WAT

Thanks for the reply and the tips. Confrontation went better than expected.<p>[ November 27, 2001: Message edited by: DJC99801 ]</p>

I'm one of those who has recently realized/come to understand that an affair has been going on for a few years. I think I've run through my Plan A at least 3 or so times unconsiouly and am wondering whether I should just proceed forward to a Plan B and give my wife a final choice ( Tough Love ).
Tough it out at least once, everything is worth at least one more chance.

Curious about your comment "confrontation went better than expected."<p>What happened? Did he deny?<p>Hope you're not being lied to, but prepare just in case!

What I expected...... was to reach out to him and scratch his eyes until blood was drawn, yell a little bit, stamp my feet like a 2 year old.... then cry uncontrollably.<p>Thanks to reading some of the support here before I did the confronting, I only entertained the ideas of uncontrolled rage.(smile)<p>Yes, he denied it still. I kept adding details to his affair one by one to see how long he could look me in the face until he did stop the denying.<p>(2 steps foreward, 1 step back) At this point he admitted to the details I revealed to him, but added very little. However I believe half of what he said (I may be making a mistake here); and reading between the excuses, I suspect that the emails were to Affair that is not related to the nightly calls at home that stopped that day.<p>He asked if I wanted to talk about us and I told him that I wanted to get my thoughts together before I tried to explain them to him. Noticed him eavesdropping on me now. How about those apples!!!<p>Lexxy- I know I'm being lied to. The hard part for me is pretending(hoping) that I will find trust with him in the future. That's the dilema of the whole situation. With that been said, I suppose that I just did the easy part and have the hard part to go, still.<p>Jay42- I think you are wise with advise. I was able to finally break down and tell a friend of mine. She lives far away so I don't have to deal with the pain face to face. I'm reluctant to answer your post, because you appear to be a far more loving and forgiving person than I. You are the hero in your relationship however it transpires.<p>[ November 29, 2001: Message edited by: DJC99801 ]</p>