Could I have some feedback? ( 19 year marriage, 45 years old)
I am so tired ...
I would say straight off the bat that it's obvious I've not been meeting my wifes needs but...
About 3 years ago, I found a diary in my 14 year old sons room under his bed. It turned out to be a diary of sorts kept by my wife which she filled at the night school class she taught,( and finished teaching ) that he had found in the briefcase she used.
It covered some 8 months of an affair and was very "cuddly" lovey dovey, and also contained enough "adult " material to make it very obvious that it was physical. When I confronted her with it, she apologized profusely, said she ended it 8 months previous, and told me it was a 40s crisis, stupid, etc . I ws heartsick but I love her - she is everything I want- and resolved to put it behind me and I did.
Fast forward 1 1/2 years.In December I walked by her computer ( home )and a little flower was flashing. I clicked and it was ICq from "pumadude" I clicked again and read a history including wanting to be warm in bed together, etc. Again very familiar and comfy with each other. Upon confrontation, she said it was just trying Cybersex with a coworker and both were horribly embarrased, never again, etc. I did not believe her and told her. But let it slide...We discussed breaking up, again her totally apologetic.I am now badly shattered. A few weeks later it comes out in conversation that this is the person from the original affair, and she works with him. Pointed out stuff I have read says the only way to finish affair is to stop all contact with OM. She originally told me that the affair was someone at the night school. In March - she felt "wrong" - , suspicious, I started reading her iCQ to her girlfriend who lives in another small town and she asked gilrfriend to to tell "Darlene" - a code for Doug- not to meet her for lunch tomorrow. plus some other comments about telling her in far more detail from work, as well Friend does not work at all much less wth my wife and alleged coworker.I confronted her about this she tried lying about who Darlene was Couldn't provide "Darlenes " last name, positon etc. Friend also had offered to act as internet gobetween if things got hot at home
She finally backwards admitted to still meeting OM and she said they just met for lunch.
Agreed to end the affair.
I started watching what I could of her ICQ messages when she left computer without locking screen. Caught one to girlfriend about "great lunch yesterday" in Aug - Sept mentioned fun Sat lunches in her sleep and tone of voice was...is obvious this is still going on.Confronted in sept, I asked her if she was willing to take polygraph. She paused, - could tell she was lying - after almost 20 years can tell...and then said yes. ( gambled I would take her word )The affair probably has been going on 4 years with minor breaks. I threatened to end our marriage in March, she did the promises , so did I .
Once again, she feels "wrong"
Other inconsistent stories, time gaps.
She seems to really love me - cuddles,
She also seems to want a two husband situation- or cake and eat it too
Only in March did she state that we seem to have drifted over thte last 2 years - I had not noticed - my drifting was recovering from the pain of finding out the first time and the second part was the next discovery. She would NEVER tell me WHY, or any details.
My question is:
I am tired of promises she makes
I am tempted to tell her that I will want a polygraph test in three months. ( after all, she already agreed to that ). This will give her a chance to finally make up her mind - or hang herself by her own rope. ANY contact other than pure work from that date till the test will result in a separation/divorce, and the test would be repeated in another 8 months or so.
I do not like being so suspicious/lack of trust, but she has told me three times the affair is over.<p>[ November 27, 2001: Message edited by: jay42 ]<p>[ November 29, 2001: Message edited by: jay42 ]</p>

I am sorry that you have ended up here but you will find excellent material. It is clear that your wife has been lying to you and the affair has continued for 4 years like you said. I would suggest immediately counseling and all contact with OM must cease. She should find a new job if she is serious about your marriage.<p>I also believe she is in the wanting to have your
cake mode of having a marriage and a lover without repercussions. I would suggest you get tested.
I like your suggestions but I would also seek an attorney just in case. If she does not go into immediate counseling and ceases contact then she will continue on with the affair and lying to you.
It seems it is easy for her to lie to you and say what you want to hear and then continue with the affair. I think you deserve more in life than having to share your wife with someone else and then having her lie to you about it. I wish you luck.

Hello jay42,
I'm so sorry your wife seems to be going INSANE!? I mean, what is she thinking "hiding" pornographic materials underneath her teenager's bed???????? What in the world? Yes, she has lost her mind.<p>I'm sorry. It's sad and I know you love her a lot. It's just terrible that you have to deal with all the lies on top of more lies.<p>Harley recommends that your wife cut off all contact with the OM if you are going to recover from the affair. Even if it means she needs to change jobs. You guys need to work out a good Policy of Joint Agreement on the computer/e-mail issue. Maybe she should not read her e-mails without your presence, stuff like that. AND while all this is going on, you are working Plan A like a busy bee. You love her enough to do a good Plan A, it sounds like.<p>Your wife sounds remorseful, but her continued lies and cover ups make it difficult for you to forgive.<p>Read about Plan A before you decide to give ultimatums and threats. It's already established that she lies to your face but that is what cheaters do.<p>Here's some info on Plan A and Plan B:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

jay again - just to clarify, she left her diary in the briefcase and put it away in a closet. My son "absconded" with the briefcase for schoolwork and found the diary and took it to his bedroom.
She, however got to deal with explaining to our son about her mistake. I talked with him after to assure him that while Mom had made a mistake, we were going to work on that and he had no need to worry about a divorce ( at that time...)
We each have our own computer and now she locks her screen, and deletes all email/ICQ after reading or sending. I have no way of knowing what she does with her Saturdays ( a source of rather vague "what did you do today? - oh a little bit of this and that" The OM works only about 15 minutes from her (branch office), so with her liberal work lunch policies, leaving early, banked sick time, she has plenty of "contact opportunities"<p>I still love her - I have never been unfaithful though I have had the opportunity and offers on more than a few occassions.
she is everything I want - but I will not be abused any longer. I want a resolution and committement<p>[ November 29, 2001: Message edited by: jay42 ]<p>[ November 29, 2001: Message edited by: jay42 ]</p>

What a spot to be in. Its bad enough to have to deal with the WS, but having your son find out too, that hurts even worse.<p>From what I read, W is still in contact with OM. I don't know how you feel about snooping, but it has always been a touchy issue for me. On one hand I wanted to know exactly what WS was doing, but when I found out, it made it worse and I began to obsess over it. So, I don't do to much snooping anymore and it helps out a lot. I have to keep reminding myself that I can not control WS, nor should I want to. I just have to Plan A like mad and hope I give WS a comfortable environment to be in so that maybe she will open up to me and we can start talking about the important stuff.<p>Commitment and resolution is what all of us BS's want. How I wish WS would just tell me that she is commited to saving the M, but all I get is "I don't know what I want to do." You don't sound like you are ready to give up. During the times that I am feeling like throwing in the towel, I ask God for guidance, think about the good times we have had (a lot more than WS will give us credit for) and concentrate on things that make me feel good. Just keep on focusing up the triangle and you will do fine. Today for me is DDay+63 (but whose counting?). WS's is going to have to do a lot better than an A to get rid of us!<p>Stand firm and strong Jay and keep the faith, you will get through this and be a far better person.

Have you considered monitoring her computer?<p>There are several good software programs that will send a report to your computer.<p>SpectorSoft, Iopus, and CatchCheat.<p>I think you are entitled to know what you are up against, and whether she's being honest about no contact.