24 hours ago everything was fine. NOw...<p>My husband just admitted that about 3 weeks ago he and another man had been "cuddling" in a hotel room.<p>He's been haunting the bisexual discussion groups and irc channels for a couple of years. I told him any number of times that this upset me and made me very insecure. (We've been married almost exactly 21 years and lived together for 2 before that. We are each others first loves, first sexual partners.) He assured me that it was all fantasy on his part. That he really wasn't interested in doing anything. He promised me--repeatedly--he never would.<p>Then about a month ago we were at a convention with a guy we've gotten to know pretty well through a local club we're all in. (On Saturday night I was up til about 4AM talking to friends, and listening to singing and when I went up to the room were sharing with this friend they were both very drunk and naked. My husband drinks, but not a lot, and in the 25 years I've known him I've only seen him this drunk once before. He also likes to sleep in the nude, as does this other guy. They were very giggly and I had to convince my husband to go to bed because he was the only driver and we had to go home the next day. Just before I finally convinced them the two of them came over and tried to give me a group hug. I shooed them away and we all went to bed.<p>Then this morning my husband and I were making love. He said that the friend had suggested we have a 3-way. I said no, that he knew it was something I absolutely was not into. Then I thought about the way I'd found them in the hotel room and asked what had really happened. He admitted that he and the other guy had "cuddled" a little.<p>He's apologized repeatedly. Says he'll tell the guy how upset I am. (I don't blame the other guy. He had no idea that my husband has made any promises on this and that I found the idea so upsetting.) Said he never would have done it if he hadn't been drunk. Admitted he's cut out any drinking at all since then. (He has--there's no alcohol in the house now. And, like I said, if he bought a six pack of beer it would take him a week to finish it.) He feels bad, and promised that he would never do anything like this again.<p>But he promised me he never would to begin with. And admitted that it was partly because we hadn't had sex in a while. (I'm 51, and my sex drive has been minimal for a year or so. I haven't been able to get to my ob-gyn to see about hormone therapy, because my husband wants us to get the credit cards down, which of course makes it my fault!)<p>I've spent the last 24 hours swinging between hysterics and trying to tell myself that it was
just a product of too much to drink and the other guy.<p>But now I can't sleep--and I'd just gotten to bed when he told me so I didn't get any last night either.<p>I don't know what to do next. I keep thinking that deep down my husband really doesn't believe there's any problem and that everything would be great if we just started living some porno-movie life-style and slept with anyone we wanted to.<p>I'm so scared.

Oh Unstrung, I am so sorry that you are going through that. Welcome to MB, a place we are sorry you had to come to, but are glad that you came since you needed to, if that makes sense. There is a great general welcome post here http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000553
It has lots of good links in it that maybe a help to you.<p> Frist and foremost do not do anything sexually that disturbs you ! No one, not even your husband has a right to ask that of you.
Do not do something that goes against your moral/ethical standards. It will only leave you feeling degraded. <p>I'm sorry to say it sounds like your h may be feeling an attraction to men, at least from you saying he had been visiting bisexual discussion groups and irc channels. And you finding him naked in the room with another man doesn't sound good drunk or no. Then he admits he cuddled with the guy and now wants you to have a 3-some. I'm sorry to say that it sounds like he is attarted to this man. Not good. May I suggest that you speak to h about counseling for both of you ? If he refuses then you may want to look into it for yourself in order to have someone you can talk to face to face about this and how you feel. <p>This site is a great place to learn about how to build (or in most cases rebuild) a strong marriage, to talk to others about what is going on, to vent, cry and scream and recieve support. But it is not like having someone to talk to face to face. <p>I have a friend who told his wife several months ago that he was bi-sexual. They have had a hard time of it. They are working through it but it has been hard, he has not acted upon his feelings but the w has an understandable fear that he will. Very difficult situation. <p>My h's last affair started as a threesome, I wasn't involved. You can read the whole story here http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/003227.html
it's not the same as your story but it why you mentioning your h asking about a 3-some struck a cord with me.<p>You may or may not wish to do a search using yahoo for "support for straight spouses of bi sexuals".<p>We have had a few people here who have had spouses who get in volved with people of the same sex. I don't thank they are here now, but they may be. I will try to email one (don't know if the email address I have for her is still good or not) and ask her to come and talk to you. She and her h have stayed together and the last I heard are doing well. <p>May God bless you unstrung , I'll pray for you as soon as I press the submit button for this post.<p>Deb

My situation is different from yours. I've been dealing with mine for only a week, but have learned one thing. Sleep is essential. Don't forget to 'fix' you; then move on to the marriage fixing. Your Doctor can help. I let sleep go for a week and I regret it.

Just a quick note--I have to be somewhere in a few minutes. <p>I managed to get some sleep. My husband is genuinely upset about how bad he's made me feel. He's promised to talk to the other guy and has agreed we need counseling to work through this.<p>My mood swings are less drastic today than yesterday--but we've been busy and went to see a movie, so I haven't had as much time to think.<p>Later

I went to my meeting and one of the people there was a very old friend who is a psychologist. Her area is substance abuse, but I cornered her in the restroom and explained what had happened. She was very helpful, and said she'll get back to me with names of some marriage and family councellors. She recommended a book--got the name written down somewhere and I felt a lot better having to tell someone what was going on.<p>So, at this point I'm feeling like there's some hope, and I'm trying to keep a grip on the wild little fantasies that kept running through my head all day Sunday. We'll see what happens--he'll be at work tomorrow and it'll be the first time I'll have been alone for more than a couple of hours since he told me.