Hi, Basically I have a simple question and definitely welcome all answers... Please advise!<p>My H loves sex with me and always has... I guess there was less of it this last 2 yrs. since I injured my back... anyway... he strayed... I have no solid proof... of physical sex he sd when he was drunk he f..ed her a lot of times.... but when sober he maintains a story that he tried to but could not get it hard for her... and I am the only woman he could get it hard for.<p>We have basically had a strong love relationship, but all the problems that go with being married to an irresponsible person who drinks way too much... <p>He had been getting more responsible and basically got a great job this yr. making more money than ever...after 10 yrs of marriage... 100k, enough for us to finally start having life like i had expected... so with my back injury , his now new job that requires long hours and no time with me except on wkends... and a 3 yr. old who won't get out of our bed.. he meets OW. He moves out sept. 15, I find out for sure sept. 15, he says he thinks he loves her... for the last month before that he had been telling me he does not love me like a wife anymore...but I am the mother of our children... and he may have to leave me... <p>I c5ry and cry , he stays... then he leaves, sept. 15, around mid oct . things are over with ow, partially because I attacked her... really lost it... it wasn't that bad, but bad.... anyway he now says and has been saying we don't get along, I can't come home, etc. etc... <p>Money is tight, I think we will get through this eventually because he likes seeing me and we have spent several nights together... the passion is still there... and he is fine with seeing me for sex as long as I do not talk aobut the affair or anything negative... basically play like everything is wonderful... on the phone we talk about the problems but not in person --- basically because he leaves or asks me to leave if it starts to get the least bit confrontational or negative...<p>He plays guitar and even wrote a song for me... saying he misses me... I heard last night... but He won't tell me he misses me hardly,... in the song he could, but not looking at me and talking to me...<p>He barely apologized for this whole thing. and keeps saying it is my fault, we fight too much, we are too different, and he can't come home.. it may take 2 yrs for him to come home.<p>I think this is total bs.. I am thinking.. the sex may be keeping him happy... letting him have his bachelor pad and have his cake too...<p>SHould I say NO until he is home... THis situation is hurting me financially a lot. and also the kids... and our relationship... I feel like he should commit to working things out now, and if not soon I will just scream how long does he expect me to deal with this???????<p>Anyway, is the sex prolonging it? I thought I should meet en's, as much as possible because it seems to bring him closer.. but is it giving him too much, when I am not getting what I want in return... Granted, I get kinder conversation and consideration with the sex than without...<p>and I do enjoy it too, but I want him home. <p>What do you advise, we go to counseling for first time together wednesday.<p>I thought maybe counselor could help us set ground rules to live together and counsel through this, but H says... he likes his bachelor pad.. his dad- who I am incensed at!!! gave him an oriental rug, a swestern couch matching lamps, etc.. left over from his dad's last divorce.. dad has been married 4x.. so he is passing down divorce furniture to jim... my husband... OH I am sooooo mad at his dad!!!<p>Also afraid- maybe he is playing the field now that OW is gone... and he is on his own... <p>Also lots of crzy behavior that goes with the drinking going on... I need alanon for this I think!!! F.E> He just got laid off because of company downsizing and says he just might go skiiing... after going on a cross country trip last week for thanksgiving... to visit family.. It is like he is going to spend all the severence... 4months... party down and then come home broke!!! AGGGH! (I have been getting 25-30%) of his money... which I consider unfair.. for me and 2 boys... He is just paying his high rent and utilities, and living it up with more money than the 3 of us and less bills! We are quickly falling behind on bills! ANd I have always had to make him be responsible throughout the marriage... I feel like I need to talk some sense into him! and make him get a job... but I have less influence and this severence package makes him feel like he's got the money and is in control... he will get the payout in a few weeks on the money... approx. 30,000<p>thanks!<p>Thanks for the advice! L

I know this situation is hard on you but first thing I think you have realize is that you can't MAKE him do anything...(I feel like I need to talk some sense into him! and make him get a job.)---He is gonna have to grow up and face his responsibilities on his own. Btw, child support obligations don't stop when your job does! It will start piling up.<p>As for the sex, I don't think it will be an effective tool for coercing him back home so if you do it, do it because you enjoy it and have a need for it. But also consider how you will feel when he leaves for 'home' afterwards. I used to be there for the taking in my first marriage (I have never used sex as a reward/punishment thing) but after things got really bad, I felt worse after than I did without it. Made me feel like a wh**e without even getting paid for it. <p>Don't be mad at his dad...he is helping his son. Same as you would for yours. Doesn't mean dad doesn't love you and the boys but Jim is his child.<p>Stick with the counseling...maybe H will go to aa and you can go to Alanon. I think both will help.<p>HTH.

thanks diddallas, tongiht my H was begging me to come over to his "house"... well I am tired of it. I held strong and feel great about it, I was really beginning to feel the wh__re myself... I decided to help him clean up a little while over there and really felt scrungy for helping him... little does he deserve it... and he is so mean. I am so tired of it. After I would not come over tongith... he started calling and calling and calling,a dn I did not answer....phone.. BOy did it feel good! I am so glad that I did not ! go! I was having morning after... and day after.... week after crashes.. after a good time last wkend... he got really mean to me syaing he talked to - and maybe saw... OW! Well, no more of that for me, how do you know when to plan b?<p>please advise. thanks.<p>l