I don't know how to feel. My wife of three years, who I believed to be incapable of such a thing, has spent every Saturday of the last 6 weeks in someone else's bed. Sadly, I wouldn't have known if I hadn't asked the "other man". All she told me was that she was interested in him, so when we decided to work it out I thought I should meet him and explain the importance of why she hadn't showed up for her regular "booty call"... problem is, he was unaware I didn't know anything and ended up telling me more than I wanted to ever know. This was two days ago. I have since allowed her to stay in the interest of trying again. I just don't know if I can get past the fact that this happened in the first place. I can't close my eyes without visualizing one aspect or another of this elongated one night stand. I guess my question is this: How do I know I'm not setting my self up for a re-run?

Well, first of all, ask yourself what role you played in it, if any. I considered myself to be the victim for a few weeks, and that really kept me from focusing in on what was important and that it probably wouldn't have happened if she was getting all she needed from me. If you read my post, you'll see that my wife had been very much abandoned by me and just felt so very lonely. Maybe your wife had some real issues and just needed someone to make her feel alive again.
On the subject of the images and the thoughts that never seem to go away. Well all I can say is that it's going to take a long time. I'm sure that you have asked her why, but have you really listened, and has she really answered? And has she apologized yet? No matter what you have done, she isn't justified in doing this, and that's the first step. Just keep talking, keep hugging, keep crying, and keep loving her. Your hearts will lead you back together if you are supposed to be together, but now you have to focus on finding out what exactly caused her to do it, and if it's something inside you. That was my burden. Believe me, it will be a long time before you can shake those images. It will be a long time before you make love to her and don't feel a bit sad afterwards. But you have to look at this as an opportunity to make your marriage even better than most people that you know. If you don't approach it like that, then you're in trouble.

Thanks oman. I've had a few days to think about it, and I really wasn't being what she needed. Not from the beginning. That doesn't justify what she did. In my opinion she should have talked to me... REALLY talked to me before acting... but, in the long run (and I'm not rationalizing, here), I really did drive her to it.

J,
Good that you follows oman's advice to do self-reflection. If no one welcome you yet ... welcome to MB and learn to save your M here. Follow the link below on my signature, learn about plan A & EN. No justification to have A while M. But listen to her venting, the facts is the basis for your plan A. The fact that she is in love once with you, rebuilding is easier.

I have three more to add to the list:<p>When you WS will not make eye contact when you are talking about the problems in your M or anything that might cause them pain.<p>When the WS and the OP says that "THEY ARE JUST VERY, VERY GOOD FRIENDS"!!<p>When the WS answers the phone on the first ring and then tells you that it is awrong number!!

J,<p>I'm sorry about your troubles. By the sheer fact of trying you could be setting yourself up again. The BS side of this game is a "No risk &#8230; no reward" game. The visuals you speak of, will fade in intensity over time. <p>BTW - You likely did not drive her to this situation. It's also very likely that you do hold some level of blame on her unhappiness, but stop there on beating yourself up.<p>At this time when your world is likely spinning, it's best to not make any real decisions good or bad. I would suggest during this time that you try to get your education on these matters. This web site is a great place to vent and get support, but shouldn't be considered the sole source of information. Pick up these books if you can.<p>Surviving an Affair by - Harley (sponsor of this site)
Tough Love - by Dobson
Divorce Busters - by Micelle Warner Davis
Private Lies - Pittman<p>
They will expose you to several of the different aspects/views/potential solutions to the struggles you are facing. Many folks here have read these and can comment if requested.<p>Good Luck,
HI

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by always and forever:
<strong>I have three more to add to the list:<p>When you WS will not make eye contact when you are talking about the problems in your M or anything that might cause them pain.<p>When the WS and the OP says that "THEY ARE JUST VERY, VERY GOOD FRIENDS"!!<p>When the WS answers the phone on the first ring and then tells you that it is awrong number!!</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
You mean added to 50 signs your spouse is having an affair ?. You could added it youself there. I saw your other posts on just found out. I see you are seeking for help. I used to lurk only in Plan A/B (slower pace, it is good for me) and sometime in GQ II (too fast for me). Those 2 boards are filled w/ MB veteran, you will get much more responses. However I will reply to your post later. I need to run some errand. Meanwhile could you post your profile and if you are feeling comfi, email exchange later ?. Also if you have some update on your relations. Better yet could you open a new topic in plan A/B, I am pretty sure Peachy, kev, Echalon and others will reply.<p>
J.<p>Sorry I am hijacking your post but this lady, always and forever, needs help.