I just don't know what to do...I recently found out my husband was having an affair. We have been married for 5 years. He has been having an affair (about 2 months) with a woman that he had an affair with over 12 years ago. At that time, they had a 5 year relationship. He and his first wife divorced and he didn't see her again. About 3 months ago he contacted her again. She told him that she had a 12 year old child that was his. He took a paternity test last month and the child is his. He has three children (17 years to 26 years, by his first wife). <p>My problem is that I love my husband and want to save our marriage. He has indicated that he wants to do the same. Is it possible for us to move forward and work towards a successful marriage, in light of the fact that he has a 12 year old child with this woman? He plans to be active in the child's life? The woman has indicated that she does not want any financial support and that she needs time to decide if my husband can spend time with the child. She has suggested that she and my husband only communicate via telephone for a while. He has told her that he is going to work on his marriage. I guess I need to know whether we can work this out if she is still in the picture.

I wish I knew what to tell you. I believe that it can be worked out but some serious precautions will need to be made if she is still in the picture. <p>From what I have read and seen with my own eyes it is very hard to reconcile if the OW is still in the picture. But since there is a child, I would not want to be married to someone who would not want to know their child.<p>I would however wonder why after 12 years this woman is coming forward and telling your H about the child. I would defiantly be suspicious of her motives. I am sure someone who is a little more experienced here can give more advice. Hang in there.<p>Music

Music - thanks for the reply. I am really just so confused. I just spoke with my H. I shared with him, my posting. He asked why I didn't share more details. So, I am going to try that, anything, if I can get some insight from others.<p>We have been married for 5 years. We have had problems for a while: namely, communication issues (my not listening, my finishing his sentences; his not talking about issues); I also have a credit card that I had been paying off (well, I recentlty started spending again, so the credit card is up to $15k). I recently started paying it off, and not charging anything (realized I had a problem and that I was spending when I was depressed or frustrated). Plus, I am overweight. I have been working on that - on and off for a several years. My H says that all of these things were issues that he had with our marriage. <p>I think that he has a lot of passive agressive tendencies and that he wants to be controlling of me and my behavior. I also think that he has anger management issues (he yells, curses, and speaks with a very demeaning tone). An example is that when we were discussing working through the marriage - he asked to see my check book and cursed and yelled when I asked why he wanted the checkbook. Later, he goes and gets a scale and puts it in front of me and tells me to "Get on the scale". Now, I had given him the check book (my thought was he had a legitimate issue with my debt), however when it came to the scale I refused. I thought, "He is not trying to help me, he is trying to make me feel bad." I don't know what he is trying to accomplish, accept that I think he wants me to depend on him for things. I have a great job, make plenty of money. I am very independent.<p>Today, we are supposed to be working on this, but I admit I still just dunno. We haven't decided to go to counseling (although we have discussed it. Help, anyone...

Hi Justdunno,<p>Hopefully you will read this reply as it has made its way down the bottom of the page. <p>There is a forum here at marriagebuilders that would be better suited to help, encourage and support you through this hard time.
The forum is called PREGNANCY/CHILD, you will see it on the list of forums when you log in under infidelity.<p>There are many women and men over there who are dealing with the nightmare of their h's getting ow pregnant as a result of an affair, but i know that we can be there for you over there if you need us.<p>My h had a 2-3 mo. affair and ow is now 6 mo. pregnant. I am struggling daily obviously, but because i have the Lord, i know there is hope. We can help you if you need us.<p>God Bless,
Julia

Up for Justdunno<p>[ December 23, 2001: Message edited by: mnca6713julia3 ]</p>